To think always having the children with you is stressful?

They need to spend more alone time with their dad as part of their regular routine so you can be spontaneous.

Pick one day a month you always have free to yourself.

I know exactly what you mean. My youngest has just turned four and the threshold has dropped massively. Before if I went to the shops and left all three with him I might have a super quick window shop, or try something on that I needed to. Now I could spend an extra hour mooching around shops with a coffee without purpose and he wouldn't care and nor would I because they're playing at home and he's chilling out. Before I'd have weighed up going out with friends vs an aimless mooch because even though he's amazing and thoughtful I wouldn't do both. Now even taking them out places is much easier, everything is just that bit easier and as a result we're able to fit more in and get more time. They're older so we've gotten a network of babysitters too and get monthly date nights, and have a deeper bench. It's just all easier. So not until they're teenagers no.

OK, sorry, I didn't realise you were replying to me all the way from the 1950s, I wouldn't have bothered.

It's not childcare. It's parenting 🤦🏼‍♀️ The same as you do.

I remember taking my kids to museums and various places, and thinking I’ll come back here on my own in 10 years and spend a bit more time here, visit that part of it etc. I still haven’t managed it though, even though they’re 15 and 19. I always seem to be working or giving lifts somewhere or sorting out various admin chores. So yes, basically life as you knew it is over!

Mmmm, it's definitely hard work having kids with you 24/7 but I wouldn't describe it as stressful. I only get stressed when I am unable to concentrate on something that needs to be done like filling out a form etc. It's the situation I'm in that makes me stressed rather than kids.. I dont think you are unreasonable to feel that way but I would be careful about saying that the kids are the source of the stress. When you look more closely (at least for me) it's actually other stuff on top of kids that is the issue. 🤷

OP I was replying to @BrokenHipster with my rocket science comment not you

No of course it's not the same as pre kids but my DH's life has been affected to exactly the same extent. My experience has not been anything like yours in that respect

And no I don't have to organise it all - my DH also books things, we take it in turns to organise dates including childcare, sometimes all I am doing is putting it in my calendar

I doubt that you have been able to (if you are a mother) continue with your life just as you did before you had children.

Your suggestions to the OP were to take annual leave to have child free time - unnecessary pre-motherhood. Pre motherhood my annual leave was used to do fun stuff not have a break from caring responsibilities.

Booking them into holiday clubs to have some spare time - unnecessary pre motherhood. Pre motherhood my spare cash was used to do fun things or buy nice stuff for myself not buy me time with my own thoughts for a few hours.

No ones calling you selfish for feeling able to organise time for yourself. The point is that as a mother you realise that it's on you to organise all that shit in order to have some time to yourself. It's inescapable.

@Phineyj I don't think I do. But I definitely don't recognise anything about @Iudncuewbccgrcb's post.

Neither of us are free to come and go as we like post children, DH never assumes I am default childcare, he will always ask me before he goes out or books something that involves me looking after the children

Of course it's not the same as pre children but we do find ways to create a bit of space and I make no apology for it. I don't feel like it has to be worthy or fitness related. This afternoon I said to DH "please take the kids out, they're driving me mad" and I just read a book and had a cup of tea.

I really don't feel The Guilt. Maybe I am a man.

It's obviously absolutely right to say time is at a premium post kids.

Of course it is.

One should share out the shortage though, as my little sis used to say.

We don't have hands on family. We have formed a kind of informal collective with the next door neighbours though. Downside is looking after their kids quite a bit, but they're not so bad when you can give them back.

@kiraric possibly you behave like the vast majority of dads?

Ironically, I answered that in my previous comment, which you clearly also didn’t read! Because it’s not fair constantly lump your partner with all the childcare. I spend a lot of time swimming and socialising so it wouldn’t be fair to constantly dip out to town for a wonder or pop out to read a book in the park for example

Do you talk to him about this @Iudncuewbccgrcb?

I'm not denying anyone's lived experience.

I see that stuff happening.

I've worked hard to fight it (not entirely successfully) for a long time now.

Well yes, but I’d rather use my “worth it” time for my fitness and socialising, so I miss the other things I used to do when I had ample spare time.

Eh, apparently I am just selfish! But I'm happy..

I'm disappointed by the amount of people who have come on this thread to try and deny the experience of the OP or tell her she's somehow doing it wrong. I'm sure her DP absolutely will look after the kids if needed/asked but it's the very fact that to even do the simplest things on your own as a mum you have to ask/organise for someone else to look after the children for you first and often it's just not worth the hassle for something 'trivial'.

My DP often tries to deny my experience in the same way (and it's infuriating) because he doesnt recognise that my experience is not the same as his and he feels we are equally free to come and go as we please. Indeed if I ever ask him to look after the children he does. But he doesn't appreciate that he never has to ask me to look after the children if he wants to get his haircut or nip to the shop- he just goes without a second thought because in his world unless he has specifically been asked to be responsible for the children he is otherwise free to do as he pleases.

He can have a shower or a poo, or a cup of tea, or disappear outside without someone needing him, seeking him out if they cant find him momentarily and shouting daaaaaad through the door.

No one asks him who is looking after the children if they see him out and about without them. He doesn't feel the need to justify any time he spends without them to anyone.

Most women just aren't selfish enough to behave in the same way. That doesn't make them martyrs it makes them normal adult mothers who realise that life changes after kids.

Totally get it OP I feel the same way.
Yes I get small pockets of time when DH has them and I get to do something like get my hair done. But I’m always thinking I need
to get back after - I don’t have the freedom
to mooch about for a whole day. And there’s always a time limit - he took them
out for a couple of hours yesterday and I cleaned and vacuumed in a huge rush as I knew they’d be back again soon!
I miss the days of a lie in, maybe brunch out and a look about the shops SO MUCH!

I think it’s a bit different for people that have lots of family nearby. My BIL and SIL needed to go shopping for some new flooring the other day so dropped the kids off at the grandparents. We don’t live near enough to have that luxury so trying to do anything like that is a complete nightmare.

You get used to it! It is exhausting though. Even taking a shower has to be planned and managed. It's just a phase of your life which will pass, so embrace it. The first time I wasn't at work but didn't have my child with me it felt really strange and I didn't like it! It felt like I had forgotten something. My daughter has got to the age now where she is off out with her friends without any parents and I have suddenly got blocks of free time where I'm not having to drive her around everywhere or stay with her. This afternoon I've actually managed to sit on the sofa with a cup of tea and the dog curled up next to me!

God yes I felt that way. Days out were more often that not just really hard work. I'd have this idea of a lovely day out that would be fun and wholesome with the kids but it would end up in stress, tantrums, arguments and a lot of bribery. My DC are 10 and 7 now and honestly the last couple of years there's been a real shift. We love theme parks and travel all over as a family visiting different ones. They're great company and family time is enjoyable. It doesn't last forever and things certainly get better a lot sooner than the teens.