Anxiety causing DP to want to quit job

madderthanapissedonchicken · 2025-01-12T10:29:09+00:00

Hi All, My DP has recently started a new job (been there almost 2 months), and he isn't liking it at all. He was previously on medication for anxiety, but hasn't had to take it in a long time. Although it seems like he will again. He doesn't like that there is a lot of people at this new job, really doesn't like crowds, there's no direction from bosses, the people training have accents that make it difficult to understand what they are saying. His anxiety has been set off big time, in a bad mood, and doesn't want to be there. He's been applying for anything else he can see, but no joy yet. He clearly wants to leave but we have children and bills and I can't just say quit and look for something after. Am I being harsh here? I don't think I am, we need money! But I've never suffered with anxiety, and I can see it is having a really negative affect on him. Any advice please?

Forevertiredmam · 12/01/2025 22:53

Not sure if this was mentioned previously but could he ask for written material/ instructions instead as I have ADHD and find verbal instructions difficult and with strong accents on top I would find impossible. I don’t think it would be unreasonable to request this if he could build his confidence to ask.

Geekylover · 12/01/2025 12:03

Gettingbysomehow · 12/01/2025 11:47

I've suffered anxiety my whole life as I have complex PTSD.
Ive worked in a very stressful job in the NHS my whole career and was a single parent with a mortgage. There was no way I could just leave my job. Everyone relied on me the bills and mortgage were solely my responsibility.
I had to find other ways of dealing with it because curling up in bed wasn't an option.
I got referred ia NHS to psychiatry for counselling and medication which worked.
Conquering anxiety is far better than giving up.

Sorry to hear you had a long struggle. I hope the world is kinder to you and you get some well earned time for yourself too x

Geekylover · 12/01/2025 12:02

I understand what your partner is going through as I was in same position last year and am now unable to work at all. I agree however he should speak to gp first and not rush to leave. He might recover enough with some time off although he is very new at his role so depends on their sick policy.
Some of the comments on here have made me shudder. Having a mental health problem can be debilitating and sucking it up and getting on with is usually not an option. I think he needs thinking time and perhaps a chance to seek a new role or company. If he find the right fit it could be the best for him. Good luck and look after each other x

Gettingbysomehow · 12/01/2025 11:47

I've suffered anxiety my whole life as I have complex PTSD.
Ive worked in a very stressful job in the NHS my whole career and was a single parent with a mortgage. There was no way I could just leave my job. Everyone relied on me the bills and mortgage were solely my responsibility.
I had to find other ways of dealing with it because curling up in bed wasn't an option.
I got referred ia NHS to psychiatry for counselling and medication which worked.
Conquering anxiety is far better than giving up.

Original poster

madderthanapissedonchicken · 12/01/2025 11:47

@Poppasocks thanks for the advice - I appreciate it all

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Original poster

madderthanapissedonchicken · 12/01/2025 11:46

TheCatterall · 12/01/2025 11:36

@madderthanapissedonchicken i have adhd and struggle with overwhelm in noisy or busy places, or if too many people around. It leads to anxiety.

I wear loop ear plugs to minimise some of the noise - I can still converse and hear conversation directed at me - but all the background noise etc is minimised and it’s massively helped me. I mainly use mine for going up concerts and festivals with the chap - his thing not mine- or for echoey noise cafes etc. before I’d feel close to tears with the overwhelm and get palpitations and now it’s all so chilled.

might be worth telling the work place he has a processing disorder or something so may ask more questions to clarify things. When his supervisor etc tell him stuff - maybe he need a to repeat back what he thinks they have told him so he knows he’s got it. “So just to make sure I’ve got this right - after that’s finished running I need to do x and y?”. Maybe explaining to folks his struggling with sensory overwhelm etc will help?

Might be worth getting him checked out with the GP for autism etc as could explain many other things and it’s worth telling future employers so they can help him better or be more understanding?

Thanks, I'll tell him to have a look at the ear loop things to see if that will help.

He doesn't have an issue processing things - picks things up & learns new things really quickly. It's just that the people accents are so strong he doesn't understand what they are telling him.

Like a pp suggested I'll say why don't you ask them to slow down etc. but he struggles with confidence in new environments, so i don't know how comfortable he'll feel asking.

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Original poster

madderthanapissedonchicken · 12/01/2025 11:44

Letsbe · 12/01/2025 11:36

You sound very supportive. If he can keep going with masses of love and encouragement it may help him get through the anxiety. If he leaves he will have all the stress of trying to get another job and meeting new people and being trained again.

Maybe try and make the other parts of your lives together lovely nice meals little treats plans for the future.

Thank you. I'm trying my hardest.
Everything else is great. New house, living where we want to be finally. Better lifestyle etc.
which is why this is so difficult if he sticks with this we'll be bringing in more income than we have before but I realise that isn't his main priority when he feels like this. It's such a shame that it isn't working out how we thought. The days are long as well - 12 hour shifts which I don't think is helping

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Poppasocks · 12/01/2025 11:40

Ponoka7 · 12/01/2025 10:42

Also he needs to go to his GP. Do not accept him coming out of work without him going down the medical route. You read about it on here and years down the line, the man is just at home playing video games, refusing to seek help.

This.

I've ended up with one of these 🙄 it's great you are supportive OP but he needs to be proactive and help himself. It's caused us no end of financial shit and as usual an expectation that I sort it all out.

Jewell25 · 12/01/2025 11:39

TheWonderhorse · 12/01/2025 10:33

If he's not coping, he will need to go on the sick. It's a health condition where pushing through is great if you can, but people often can't. It's a bit like pain, a constant alarm going off in your head, your body telling you to do something totally different to what you need to do. It's deeply rubbish.

There won’t be much, if any sick pay though if he hasn’t even been there for 2 months.

TheCatterall · 12/01/2025 11:36

@madderthanapissedonchicken i have adhd and struggle with overwhelm in noisy or busy places, or if too many people around. It leads to anxiety.

I wear loop ear plugs to minimise some of the noise - I can still converse and hear conversation directed at me - but all the background noise etc is minimised and it’s massively helped me. I mainly use mine for going up concerts and festivals with the chap - his thing not mine- or for echoey noise cafes etc. before I’d feel close to tears with the overwhelm and get palpitations and now it’s all so chilled.

might be worth telling the work place he has a processing disorder or something so may ask more questions to clarify things. When his supervisor etc tell him stuff - maybe he need a to repeat back what he thinks they have told him so he knows he’s got it. “So just to make sure I’ve got this right - after that’s finished running I need to do x and y?”. Maybe explaining to folks his struggling with sensory overwhelm etc will help?

Might be worth getting him checked out with the GP for autism etc as could explain many other things and it’s worth telling future employers so they can help him better or be more understanding?

Letsbe · 12/01/2025 11:36

You sound very supportive. If he can keep going with masses of love and encouragement it may help him get through the anxiety. If he leaves he will have all the stress of trying to get another job and meeting new people and being trained again.

Maybe try and make the other parts of your lives together lovely nice meals little treats plans for the future.

TheWonderhorse · 12/01/2025 11:08

CleanShirt · 12/01/2025 11:05

The accent thing sounds like a really poor excuse.

Excuse for what?

CleanShirt · 12/01/2025 11:05

The accent thing sounds like a really poor excuse.

Original poster

madderthanapissedonchicken · 12/01/2025 11:01

@TheWonderhorse thank you. Really helpful. Will keep in mind

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Nothatgingerpirate · 12/01/2025 11:01

No, you are not being harsh.
If you have children and bought a house together, he will have to find a coping strategy.
Most situations in life we didn't choose cause anxiety, the difference is, my generation had no bloody options but to get on with it!

Original poster

madderthanapissedonchicken · 12/01/2025 11:00

RampantIvy · 12/01/2025 10:42

I think he needs to make an appointment with the GP to get back on to the anti anxiety meds ASAP.

I'm hoping he'll get them tomorrow when he calls 🤞

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TheWonderhorse · 12/01/2025 10:47

madderthanapissedonchicken · 12/01/2025 10:37

Thank you. It's good to get more of an insight as he isn't good at vocalizing it at the minute.

We've just bought a house too, and I'm worried about finances if he's to go on the sick. He's also on probation so I think he'll just be let go. But how much do I push to keep going if he can't?

My approach has been to keep it up while bearing in mind it's short term and keep applying for others in the mean time. Also to speak to the manager to say you're struggling and the reasons why.

The training in the 1st department he really liked, was a team of 3. Now they've moved him to a massive department and said that will be the perm role

Show quote history

Encourage and support. A little acknowledgement of how hard it is goes a long way. Show him that you have his back whatever he needs and know he's doing his best. That will help. Having an escape route is enough to take the edge off. It's a case of "I can leave if I need to, but I'll try one more day" rather than "I can't cope but I can't let my family down either". The first one is much more preferable to the second.

Original poster

madderthanapissedonchicken · 12/01/2025 10:43

Ponoka7 · 12/01/2025 10:42

Also he needs to go to his GP. Do not accept him coming out of work without him going down the medical route. You read about it on here and years down the line, the man is just at home playing video games, refusing to seek help.

He's said he's calling GP in the morning. Last night we spoke and said it'll help to go back on the medication while he is there to help him manage it.

I don't think he'd be happy staying at home long term, but you're right you see it on here all the time and that's not an option

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RampantIvy · 12/01/2025 10:42

I think he needs to make an appointment with the GP to get back on to the anti anxiety meds ASAP.

Ponoka7 · 12/01/2025 10:42

Also he needs to go to his GP. Do not accept him coming out of work without him going down the medical route. You read about it on here and years down the line, the man is just at home playing video games, refusing to seek help.

Original poster

madderthanapissedonchicken · 12/01/2025 10:41

@Ponoka7 he's said that the jobs he's applying for now are all smaller organizations & he didn't realise to what extent it was going to affect him

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Original poster

madderthanapissedonchicken · 12/01/2025 10:40

@Ponoka7 I don't think they'll change start / finish time as there is 2 shifts 24 hours a day but I've asked him to speak to the manager tomorrow and tell him everything and see if there's anything that can be done to help 🤞

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Ponoka7 · 12/01/2025 10:39

madderthanapissedonchicken · 12/01/2025 10:33

Yes unfortunately it's internal processes, and working machines etc, so the training is all internal

Show quote history

Can he ask them to slow down their speech? I'm in Liverpool and we often have to. Could he have a chat to his boss and arrive early/late to stagger the amount of people around him? Applying for any other job could put him in the same position.

Original poster

madderthanapissedonchicken · 12/01/2025 10:38

lmcvities · 12/01/2025 10:35

Can you work instead and he looks after the kids?

I already work full time. He was working part time and looking after the kids on nursery days. The new job is 4 days but FT hours and fits around non nursery days. I do the nursery and school drop offs and pick ups, and work from home / office as needed

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Original poster

madderthanapissedonchicken · 12/01/2025 10:37

TheWonderhorse · 12/01/2025 10:33

If he's not coping, he will need to go on the sick. It's a health condition where pushing through is great if you can, but people often can't. It's a bit like pain, a constant alarm going off in your head, your body telling you to do something totally different to what you need to do. It's deeply rubbish.

Thank you. It's good to get more of an insight as he isn't good at vocalizing it at the minute.

We've just bought a house too, and I'm worried about finances if he's to go on the sick. He's also on probation so I think he'll just be let go. But how much do I push to keep going if he can't?

My approach has been to keep it up while bearing in mind it's short term and keep applying for others in the mean time. Also to speak to the manager to say you're struggling and the reasons why.

The training in the 1st department he really liked, was a team of 3. Now they've moved him to a massive department and said that will be the perm role

OP posts: