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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband says any man would cheat given the opportunity

266 replies

Esgd27 · 12/01/2025 01:53

I’m a bit gobsmacked. Been with my DH for 30 years and have 2 grown up kid. Our relationship is generally ok.
We were watching a TV show tonight in which a woman hired a private detective to seduce her husband to see if he was faithful to her. My DH said it was unfair as it was entrapment. I said it was a bit odd but I guess the fictional wife had some concerns and was testing her husband. My DH doubled down by saying that all men would cheat given the opportunity. I challenged him and asked if he felt like that (ie he would cheat given half a chance). He said that he would and that any man would.
A very frosty exchange followed. He raised his voice and then tried to backtrack saying that wasn’t what he’d said and he didn’t mean it. But he did definitely say it. He’d drunk a bottle of wine so no doubt that exacerbated his truculence. He then went to bed in a huff.
I’m don’t particularly think he’s been /being unfaithful - and as a slightly plump balding 60 year old I don’t think he’s exactly Casanova.
I’ve tried to tell myself that it was just a slightly drunken silly remark. But I am still fuming - I thought it was a pretty rude and disrespectful thing to say to your wife. Particularly as he doubled down and didn’t apologise. He just didn’t seem to care or think what he was saying and it raised some concerns with me about his underlying moral code.

OP posts:
Sisterwinter1969 · 13/01/2025 18:41

Men are genetically programmed to spread their genes as widely as possible, and hence are much more likely to be tempted take any opportunity arising. That's not to say all men would.

JHound · 13/01/2025 17:58

BlueSlate · 13/01/2025 07:41

I wouldn't either. I'm as confident about that as I could be about anything.

Excet that I have.

It was many years ago in another lifetime really (I was in my 20s) when I was a different person. I was in a very unhappy relationship and, at the time, I couldn't see a way out of it for various reasons. Like many people who cheat, I wasn't looking for a way out, I was presented with an opportunity that made it easier to stay. He was single.

It only lasted a few weeks before I ended it and realised that I didn't like how it made me feel about myself or what it said about me as a person.

And that is how I know I'd never do it again.

I'm older now and wiser and know that it doesn't solve anything and I've left any subsequent relationship I didn't want to be in.

So would any man cheat given the opportunity?

Some would. Some wouldn't. The problem for most people is that they don't ever know for sure that they are with one of those who would or not. And, even those who wouldn't, might if the circumstances were right.

I don't think that that means all men would because I've certainly chatted with men (when single) who've made it quite clear to me they were married and loyal. That doesn't mean they'd never have their head turned by someone but they definitely weren't just up for it if a (perceived) opportunity arose.

I do think women who believe they are in happily sexless relationships are being naive though.

I've read a few threads on here where a woman is devastated to discover her husband's affair only to reveal that they haven't had sex in several years.

I have male frienda who are / have been in sexless relationships (not their choice) and still have not and have no desire to cheat.

As a close friend say (after his wife gave him “permission” to cheat as long as he was discreet) “I don’t want random women. I just want my wife.”

JHound · 13/01/2025 17:55

Bobbingtons · 12/01/2025 14:41

You just have to look to the statistics to see that the majority of people do cheat. Around 75% of men have cheated at least once and only about 50% will admit to regretting it. There would be some men who would never consider it, but they are very much a minority.
However.... Around 68% of women have cheated with similar regret rates so it's not really anything to do with the sex of the individual, it's more like humans (like most animals studied) are not programmed for long term monogamy.

What is the source for these figures?

SnowThaw · 13/01/2025 11:49

I found out my husband had a snog and grope with his then best friend's fiancé . To be honest I wax more shocked at the fiancé . She was the stuck up
Prudish type you would never think would do it .

I know they had form for it before she got with his friend as I read a couple of diaries from his single days abc he wrote about them groping and snogging at parties .

I never thought she would cheat . She just wasn't that sort of woman . So I thought .

Original poster
Esgd27 · 13/01/2025 11:15

Thanks for all your views. Helpful to know I’m not being crazy or unreasonable as many feel the same.
An update. We did have a chat and I got a sort of apology ( it was actually over the top in a way I feel was not sincere, quite manipulative - but there you go).
I asked if this was actually a confession that he had cheated and he said no.
After 30 years I’m not about to throw in the towel over this. But it has dented us a bit and makes me sad. Over time things like this erode the love you have and make you like your partner a bit less. One post said something about forgetting how to behave in a relationship and I think it comes down to that. When a relationship is new you make a lot of effort to impress the other person. After a while it’s easy to forget to - and to say and do things you never would have in the beginning.

OP posts:
Jazzjazzjazz · 13/01/2025 08:58

AlexandrinaH · 13/01/2025 08:13

Exactly, that’s like me saying I want to be an Olympic athlete, so I am one 😂

Show quote history

Not really, I understood her point fully, he has a cheating mentality, he could easily cross those boundaries, and he already does in his mind. That is his nature, and it is only lack of opportunity, or opportunity that he really wants, that’s stops him

Sceptical123 · 13/01/2025 08:34

Chuchoter · 12/01/2025 12:11

'Any man would cheat, given the chance!'

Sounds like some fat, old, balding bloke who's bitter at not getting any action outside of his marriage.

What a prize you've ended up with.

This phrase in itself doesn’t actually mean ALL men. I hadn’t considered it before and can’t remember when I read this yesterday if he elaborated, but ANY could imply that one cannot assume no man will ever cheat - ALL men are capable of cheating - and women obviously

AlexandrinaH · 13/01/2025 08:13

HangryLikeTheHulk · 12/01/2025 09:43

Let’s take a few words out:

”A man that doesn’t cheat […] is still a cheat.”

Makes no sense.

Show quote history

Exactly, that’s like me saying I want to be an Olympic athlete, so I am one 😂

BlueSlate · 13/01/2025 07:52

I also think there are a lot of men (more than women) who wouldn't 'technically' cheat but wpuld do things that their partners wouldn't be happy about if they found out about it.

A flirtation that went a bit too far, a chat that crossed a few lines, a physical touch that he wouldn't have contemplated in front of his wife, if it's online it doesn't count...

BlueSlate · 13/01/2025 07:41

I wouldn't either. I'm as confident about that as I could be about anything.

Excet that I have.

It was many years ago in another lifetime really (I was in my 20s) when I was a different person. I was in a very unhappy relationship and, at the time, I couldn't see a way out of it for various reasons. Like many people who cheat, I wasn't looking for a way out, I was presented with an opportunity that made it easier to stay. He was single.

It only lasted a few weeks before I ended it and realised that I didn't like how it made me feel about myself or what it said about me as a person.

And that is how I know I'd never do it again.

I'm older now and wiser and know that it doesn't solve anything and I've left any subsequent relationship I didn't want to be in.

So would any man cheat given the opportunity?

Some would. Some wouldn't. The problem for most people is that they don't ever know for sure that they are with one of those who would or not. And, even those who wouldn't, might if the circumstances were right.

I don't think that that means all men would because I've certainly chatted with men (when single) who've made it quite clear to me they were married and loyal. That doesn't mean they'd never have their head turned by someone but they definitely weren't just up for it if a (perceived) opportunity arose.

I do think women who believe they are in happily sexless relationships are being naive though.

I've read a few threads on here where a woman is devastated to discover her husband's affair only to reveal that they haven't had sex in several years.

Onetimeonly2024 · 13/01/2025 07:19

Oblomov25 · 13/01/2025 06:45

"Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast
I believe more people than you think would do all manner of things if they knew they would face zero consequences."

See, I actually wouldn't. For my own personal moral happiness.

Previously when I've I insisted I would never cheat, on mn threads before, I was told I was mistaken and that I would! Hmm

Agree with this, I wouldn’t either, for no one else but me. I have had ample opportunity, in my younger years I used to travel a lot with work and I lost count of the number of married men who tried it on (and there is nothing special about me). But, I didn’t find it “flattering” and it didn’t give me “an ego boost” it made me think firstly, “you sad bastard” swiftly followed by “your poor wife” (most of whom I’d bloody met at work functions etc!!).

I only want to have sex with men I respect and I do not respect men who lie to and cheat on their wives. Ergo, it’s not happening. Similarly, I wouldn’t like or respect myself if I did it whilst married, the guilt and shame would choke me. But, you don’t have to read far on here to know that is not the case for a lot of people.

SwerveCity · 13/01/2025 06:48

Not all men, but most of them probably would if they could.

Oblomov25 · 13/01/2025 06:45

"Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast
I believe more people than you think would do all manner of things if they knew they would face zero consequences."

See, I actually wouldn't. For my own personal moral happiness.

Previously when I've I insisted I would never cheat, on mn threads before, I was told I was mistaken and that I would! Hmm

Oblomov25 · 13/01/2025 06:41

Loads of people cheat. I am often saddened because I have strong views on cheating (I know not why, my parents didn't, I've never been cheated on), plus the fact that trust can never be restored. but it seems few have similar views. I think strong moral views on cheating are becoming less and less common.

pikkumyy77 · 13/01/2025 05:31

Comedycook · 12/01/2025 22:16

Yeah I think most would...vast majority.

I don't live my life actively worrying about it...but do I think my dh may cheat on me one day...well never say never. I always find it spectacularly naive when I hear women say oh my dh would never cheat

Some of them are right, though.

Lampzade · 13/01/2025 03:44

’Men are as faithful as their options’…… quote from Chris Rock

ZippyCat · 13/01/2025 03:13

I don't believe all men would cheat given the chance at all to be honest I would be fuming if my dh said that aswell shouldn't have said that to you ,

My dh wouldn't even consider it tbh and nor would I

DontNeedAnyMoreClothes · 13/01/2025 02:14

I don't think I could come back from that. He's a vile piece of shit. I'm so sorry.

Plopandflop · 13/01/2025 01:04

No I don’t. My DH certainly wouldn’t. He couldn’t be arsed. And I am 99% he would not anyway. He is far too honest. And I mean honest.

GiddyRobin · 13/01/2025 00:40

I don't think this is the case for every man at all. Some, maybe.

I came home one night, we were having a small party and it was just me, my friend, DH, and newer friend left. Kids were in my sister's. I popped out to the next village (taxi) for more booze with my friend. Left DH alone with a newer female friend. Absolutely gorgeous, tall, model-like (I'm 5' nothing and while I'm good looking, I'm not a model), properly beautiful.

I came back and no one heard, the doors were closed and lights off. They were down the other end of the garden and you can't hear from there. Was putting the wine out in the kitchen and looked out the window into the garden where we'd been sitting. This woman made a move on DH. He literally swerved back, held her wrists and pushed her back off him. Stood up, yelled at her for trying to cross boundaries and stormed inside. He didn't know I was there, he saw me and panicked in case I got the wrong impression. I saw the whole thing and our security camera proved nothing else had happened.

He was as mortified as I'd have been if a male friend had done that. So no, I don't think all men will cheat if given the opportunity. I know it sounds naive, and I've met the kind of man who would. I don't think I'm married to one of them at all.

Jazzjazzjazz · 12/01/2025 22:29

godmum56 · 12/01/2025 22:26

What a bunch of rubbish

Show quote history

Yeah she is talking rubbish tying in high sex drive with infidelity and desire for multiple people, but clearly these lies are perpetuated, and it’s total nonsense. Does the same go for women? Because I’ve got an incredibly high sex drive when I’m with someone, but happy single for ten years because I haven’t met the one who lights me up, and I know there are men that are the same 🙄 try not to emasculate faithful men, who desire one woman, it’s not a good look.

godmum56 · 12/01/2025 22:26

RogueFemale · 12/01/2025 02:22

I voted YABU because most men will cheat given the opportunity, but of those men who'd like to cheat, some will be deterred by the chance of discovery.

Zero chance of discovery is very rare.

So the ones who cheat either don't care, or are very stupid.

For women, the question is, do I want a highly sexed man or not.

What a bunch of rubbish

winterrabbit · 12/01/2025 22:22

I think a lot of men would cheat given the opportunity. I love my DH but I have a long held fear that he would cheat if he had the opportunity and I wouldn't find out. I could be being paranoid but I see the way he notices attractive women when we are out and I always wonder what would happen if they showed an interest in him. He also cheated on his first wife (not with me) and my ex husband cheated on me so my perception may be slightly off. In addition, I have a married man pestering me for sex. Completely blatant.

Floorpaper · 12/01/2025 22:20

bluevelvetbox · 12/01/2025 14:49

Single woman here - aged 49. I have and have had many married men try it on with me whilst their wives gush all over social media about how their husbands would never cheat and how they trust them 100 percent and how they married the good ones! It's a real eye opener! Glad I'm single.

Is this husbands and partners of your friends trying it on with you? That's awful. The thing is, I bet if you told the wives you would be blamed as the single woman trying to seduce their poor innocent husband!

Jazzjazzjazz · 12/01/2025 22:17

FigTreeInEurope · 12/01/2025 09:20

This is so offensive, although i do read enough MN to understand women's view of men's fidelity. All men would not cheat at all. I have felt for many years now, as though my actual sexuality is deeply tied to my wife, the thought of being with someone else is actually unthinkable. If i found myself suddenly single, i think it would take years to feel comfortable with someone else.

Personally, i think men that cheat, do so because there is something wrong in their life, or fundementally with their character. I know that within my male friendship group you would be hugely shamed and ostricised for it too.

Thanks for speaking up, unfortunately men (and actually people in general, on this thread) are tarred with the same brush. There are men and women who exist who 100% are this way, I am and several others here, and you voiced it so well, that sense of it being tied to the person you love, irreplaceable. I’ve been single ten years after my last relationship and haven’t even got emotionally close to another man, I hate the tarring people with the same brush when many of us 100% would feel sick at the thought of being with someone else, not just not cheating because we can’t get away with it. This thread is quite disheartening. Your wife is blessed and I hope you have a long and happy life together.