To feel so fed up that the only way to get a good education seems to be privately?

I never thought we would choose private for our DC. I'm someone who has dedicated my professional life for the last 20 years to trying to remove barriers for children who are disadvantaged in all sorts of ways. We are lucky to live in an area with good state schools so when we had DC we automatically assumed they would go to one of them.

Our 11 yo DD, who is currently at a very good mainstream state Primary school has Autism, ADHD and Dyspraxia and after looking at all the options we have reluctantly made the decision to go private for secondary. She simply cannot cope with the sensory overhelm and unpredictability of a big, busy school. Not without significant detriment to her MH and our family life. The smallest state secondary near us has 1600 kids. Because she's academically capable and 'masks' in school she doesn't meet the criteria for an EHCP and without one, she won't get the level of support at secondary that she has at her current primary school. Even if she could get an EHCP, it wouldn't change the noise and busyness of the environment. Even at her primary school (who are wonderful and have gone above and beyond) she's so overwhelmed by the noise and sheer number of kids she often can't eat lunch, won't use the toilet all day, she comes home exhausted and has huge 'meltdowns' (which can involve self injury) from 'holding it in'.

Her new school is very small, calm, quiet, only 12-14 to a class and they have the resources to give her the flexibility and support she needs. When we went to look round she cried in the car on the way home. I asked what it was that she didn't like and she said "no, they're happy tears. I didn't know a school could feel like that".

I do not feel ok about it, morally. Not at all.
DH and I are both the children of working class parents, I was the first person in my family to go to uni and DH left school at 16 with no qualifications. We know that there are many others like our DD, too disabled for mainstream but not disabled enough for specialist, whose parents could never afford it. We feel guilty and like we're abandoning our principles, but if we don't send her knowing full well we can afford to then we'll still feel guilty because we haven't put her first. We're not looking for her to gain an advantage in life, not interested in networking or social status, we don't even care about results at this point, we just want her to be OK.

A bright child in a cohort that is struggling may be socially isolated though?

Are you telling me the same child studying in a comprehensive will get exactly the same grades if they studied in a grammar or private school?

I've two daughters, both Russell Group, one studying medicine, the other doing a double degree in modern languages. Both had their secondary school education at a large, bog standard comprehensive in the UK (their primary school years were in NZ).

One eyed Kiwi patriot as I am, I've got to admit that academically, the education the girls' received over here was far superior to the one they would have received in NZ. (Whether it was better in terms of pastoral care, and not spitting them up and chewing them out mentally is another matter).

Two things that really stood out for us: the girls didn't feel that they'd been judged and found wanting, and that being in a comp' guaranteed their educational success and future outcomes. Many of their compatriots did. They had been brought up to value education, to believe they needed to do their best, that they would be supported to do their best, and their best would be good enough. The teachers were fantastic, supportive, willing to go way further than we were used to teachers being prepared to go in supporting and extending them, and made it very clear that they really appreciated having enthusiastic and committed learners to educate. The second thing was the amazing diversity of students at their school, from all walks of life, so many ethnicities and religions, people from very poor backgrounds, right through to very wealthy, multi-home, trust fund backgrounds. They are able, as a result, to relate to and communicate with others from a wide and diverse background.

Agreed, but if you're not an academically capable enough as a parent enough to support them then the fact is they really do benefit from a smaller classes.

And many teachers in private schools do not have a degree in the subject that they are teaching.

If they get the top available grades, surely they can’t “ Do better”?

They'll do well anywhere. But they'll do better around other smart children.

It’s rather alarming that people can teach in private schools without qualifications- Have heard this before.

I could teach mathematics in a private school despite having only GCSE maths myself.

Scary thought.

My step son taught at another very well known girls private school and he didn't even have any teaching qualifications. You can't make generalisations.

@itsstillmehere does your step son have a degree?

A clever child will do well anywhere.
The quality of teaching in state schools is often much stronger than in private schools, and if a school is rated outstanding, with keen, involved parents, I’d choose that , shabby buildings aren’t important.
It’s the parents and teachers that make a school good.

'
So 7 friends out of 600 000 kids who go to indy schools have issues? You have extrapolated their experience across every 1 of the near 3000 indy schools in the UK?

I developed anorexia + drug taking at my state grammar!'

@twistyizzy

My friendship circle consists of 10 women. 7 out of 10 went to private school. Those 7 women have a lot more mentally going on than us that haven't been to private school. It's a very open conversation between us as a group. I'm not saying state school pupils don't get Anorexia.. obviously 🙄 but all 7 of them will vehemently not send their children to private school. They all say private school damaged them far too much. Their words, not mine.

My stepdaughter went to a well known private girls school - most of them were boarders from abroad and no cultural integration. It isn't always positive.
My son went to a private school and it was excellent in all aspects. He didn't board.
I used to teach at a state girls school which was a bit scruffy but we got the third highest exam results in the county.
My step son taught at another very well known girls private school and he didn't even have any teaching qualifications. You can't make generalisations.

My DD15 is in Private, reason is SEN. She has ADHD and the SEN support in the state system near me is utterly useless.

She is in small classes of 12 which really works for her.

I would have gone state if it worked for her.

Point is, you pick the right school for your child if you can, the school itself doesn't matter.

I believe the point is more that it DOES happen in private. These issues are common among teens whatever their social background.

Ok, I’m going with you, and I agree with most of it. I believe a bright child with interested parents will likely thrive. But I still think that there are many obstacles for most people when it comes to getting into a good state school. I commend your positivity, but I’m afraid I don’t share it!

Because drug taking and bullying just doesn't happen in state schools?

So 7 friends out of 600 000 kids who go to indy schools have issues? You have extrapolated their experience across every 1 of the near 3000 indy schools in the UK?

I developed anorexia + drug taking at my state grammar!

The last straw was when he attended a party thrown by a former classmate in their huge mansion and he was threatened with a knife by one of them.

@OnGoldenPond Yes, knife crime is exclusively carried out by privately educated people. All those knife attacks in London - yep, everyone ex public school.

Not to mention the huge drug culture, and bullying because 'your mummy and daddy don't earn as much as us.'

Another one who would not put my child into private school even if I was offered a million pounds to do so.

I have 7 friends (all girls) who went to private, same sex schools. All of them have had severe mental health issues over the years. Bulimia, anorexia, toxic abusive relationships etc.

I think it's completely and totally unnecessary.

Argh! Our!!!!!
Brain fried from mock marking - preparing for inevitable mocking

Like all schools, we do are best with what is reported to us.

Grammars may have better behaviour due to social and academic selection but ime they are crappy at managing the behaviour issues they do have.

Plus clever students misbehave cunningly!

Totally believe in grammar school as a way of education but you will probably find you are vilified by Mnetters almost as much as those who believe in private education.

The hilarious thing is that if you go over to the Higher Education page all those people are then chasing "prestigious" unis and dismissing ex polys as options.