AIBU to think MIL should come to us after baby is born, not expect us to drive?

MIL is being very unreasonable.

She wants you to put her convenience over your baby's health and safety and your own health and comfort.

That's a we'll see you when we see you.

You 100% are not being selfish.
She is being extremely unreasonable.
When my now grown DC were babies our in laws were like this. My DH - who had a very emotionally abusive upbringing (which I didn’t fully realise) Would drive us back most weekends. This was what he did when growing up. Saw GPs at weekends. Except they were 20 minutes away not 1.5 hours on the M25 and M40.
When I was pregnant with DS 2 I said I wouldn’t be doing this anymore. He was welcome to take the DC himself but I wouldn’t going.
I remember DH nearly fell asleep at traffic lights once on one of those journeys. He was so exhausted. It was dangerous.
They visited for the birth. And then really rarely came again. It was totally fine. We would invite them. They would make excuses.
Stick to your guns. A visit from after a couple of months maybe - 6 months potentially. When things have settled a little
But most definitely not before that.

You’re not being unreasonable. For the reason of regular breaks required / new borns not always loving car journeys we avoided anything close to this for the first eight weeks and beyond. Also frankly having all the stuff in the place you’re used to having it is soooo much easier when they’re so little.

sounds like it’s worth managing expectations now. Best of luck with it all x

God no, she needs to come to you and even then only when you're ready. We had to travel with our baby (family wedding) - was a nightmare, he of course slept the whole journey, was then up all night, I was absolutely knackered.

Absolutely.

From the sounds of it, she sounds excited and said something along the lines of "just think, soon you'll be here with a newborn". The OP is absolutely right to think that she shouldn't have to travel anywhere when she's just had a baby and that's fine. But it seems slightly harsh to call her a "selfish bloody cow" when she's just, presumably, excited to see her grandchild.

I wish people here would remember that one day it might be them excited to see their impending grandchild, and that in laws aren't all evil people trying to rule the roost.

We had a lay flat car seat (amazing) and a baby with silent reflux. We couldn’t travel more than 10 minutes without her screaming. I think the furthest journey we went on was 45 minutes in those first few months. Even without the reflux and with a flat seat 3.5 hours each way would be a no for me.

invite her to yours and suggested staying overnight locally (7 hour round trip for an hour or so visit is a bit much either way).

Do what you want to do. When I had my first born we lived in a small cottage and my in-laws came to visit about 2 days after he was born. Rather than helping me with the baby, and I had no clue what I was doing, he was having to cook dinner for his parents and pass around nibbles. When I woke up in the morning with blood still leaking from my nether regions, my father in law was having a bath and I had to wait for him to finish before I could get into have a wash. It was hideous. When I had my DD I made them stay in a nearby holiday inn which was so much better! Stand your ground if you need to. If she is desperate to see the baby, she has to work around your requirements xxx

Was it a "you will be coming to see me with a newborn as soon as possible after birth" or was it "next time you come, you'll have a baby with you"?

Because the latter could be said in a way that is just fact: we won't see you at my house until after the baby is born. No expectations that you'll be jumping in the car asap etc.

If it's the former, I'd be very clear that you're not expecting to be up to travelling that far within about 6 weeks of the baby arriving however "if you want to come to us, then we'll book you in a hotel/you could stay for a couple of nights etc".

But if she comes to you, and you can't afford a hotel, then she may be more on top of you than if you go to her.

Sorry just seen that you're already aware of the 30 mins thing - ignore me! X

Newborns can't be in a car seat for more than 30 mins at a time so it would be an absolute nightmare to travel that far! Let alone all the things you'd need, how you'll be feeling etc.

If she wants to see her grandchild that much then surely she'd understand that and make the effort!

I was going to suggest the same. And if you 'helped' her book the tickets, you could pick what train/coach time she returns on! 😆

Another option, again, only if you were really up for it weeks afterwards would be meeting in a cafe/restaurant closer to your home than hers- and keep it to a very limited time.

I would stick with the line "We'll see how things go" if it's suggested that any plans are made. I wouldn't bother going back to say anything now. When your baby is born you can say " We're not really feeling up to taking long journeys but we'd love you to visit"

Definitely don't commit to travelling anywhere. If she mentions it again just say you aren't committing and want to see how you feel about travelling after baby is here. If she can no longer drive or no longer wants to then perhaps investigate public transport and DH picks her up from the station

A 3.5 hour car drive with a new born could take 7 hours.
I would say that you've spoken to your midwife and she has advised you that it's going to be a few months before you can make a journey that long with a new baby. So if she'd like to see the baby, she'll need to come to you

Surely there must be a public transport option if she doesn't want to drive.

Yep, as everyone else has said, with the arrival of a baby the dynamics change. She is no longer the one who needs max consideration in all arrangements - your baby is priority while she/he is so very new.

Let your DH take over the conversations & be clear to MIL that it could be a number of months/weeks before your baby is old enough to spend hours in a car seat, but if she wants to come to you she's welcome.

There's a choice. She can come to see you and meet baby sooner, or risk waiting longer until you're ready to travel.

I had two rough pregnancies concluded with two rough births. Both the EMCS and nasty tear left me unfit for substantial travel for the first 6 weeks from exhaution, torn/ cut muscles, pain and toileting issues.

You're right not to rush into any commitments until the situation is clear after the birth.

I think it’s fine not to have said anything to her. There’s no point falling out in advance! When the baby is born, everything is about YOU and YOUR BABY, whilst you establish feeding/recover from the birth etc etc.

I found having visitors worked, because I could just go upstairs and feed baby etc whilst they all chatted downstairs. I think it would be hard in someone else’s house.

When the baby is born, you’ll probably find she’s keen to come and visit and there was no need to fight about it. Don’t stress yourself out with future what ifs. Enjoy your pregnancy, and do what suits you and your baby (and hopefully your partner supports you!)

YANBU.

If she doesn't want to do a long drive can she travel by train. 3.5 hours drive is too long to commit to with a newborn.

Not a chance I would be committing to travelling anywhere.

A new baby changes everything.
We did all the travelling pre children.
Once they arrived I adopted the same attitude as my husbands family ...aka suit themselves.
It worked very well and couldn't be argued with as he was the youngest in his family.

No way would I be having any baby in a seat for hours.
This is 100% on your husband to sort out.

Absolutely YANBU.

You do what is best for you after the birth. It that is lying in bed all day with baby then so be it.

MIL will not be your priority once you have a newborn, I can promise you that!

if she wants to see baby, she comes to you, at a time and day dictated by you and entirely on your terms.

YANBU.
Can she use public transport if she is reluctant to drive? Train or coach? Then your DH pick her up from the nearest station.

No you likely won’t be up to traveling long distances for a bit. Maybe say you’ll come when you and baby are ready but she’s welcome to come to visit before that if she wants to meet baby.

If she wants a visit, she has to wait until you are ready. That could be weeks or it could be months. You get to decide when it is time.

if she wants to meet the baby sooner, that is her perogative.

i had a car screamer (which we later figured out was an ASD thing). We lived rurally so that meant we rarely left the house except for nature walks. It was absolute torture for all of us, especially dc to get in the car. The grandparents would have been waiting a very long time if they expected a visit from us 150 miles away.

Travelling with a new born is a faff as you need to take loads of stuff

Stay put until baby is older