AIBU to think MIL should come to us after baby is born, not expect us to drive?

YANBU.

I would discuss with your DH exactly how you would like visits to work, once the baby arrives. For example, you could say no visitors for longer than an hour for the first 2 weeks, or we won't be travelling for longer than 20 minutes for the first 8 weeks, or no guests staying at your house for the first 6 months etc.. Once you have decided on your boundaries, it's up to your DH to explain to his Mother that these are the rules the two of you have decided, and she will need to respect them.

I'd also add that the rules are subject to change - you never know what will feel like too much, or what might feel totally do-able, until the baby arrives.

Of course YANBU. A long journey early on would be stressful, uncomfortable and miserable for you, your DH and your baby and that's without factoring in safety issues regarding how long an infant should be in a car seat.

One thing to bear in mind though: when you've had enough, it's much easier to pack up and take your leave than it is to shoehorn an over-stayer out of your house. If your MiL comes to you, don't offer open-ended, drop in anytime invitations. She's coming a long way, so that means she'll want more than an afternoon, which is fair enough. But if you can't have her to stay over, be absolutely explicit about that so she knows she'll have to book a hotel for a couple of nights. If you can accommodate her, be equally unambiguous about how long for - and stick to it.

You aren’t being unreasonable, we took our baby on a 200 mile trip to see partners family when he was 3 months old and it was horrendous it took seven hours and not good for any of us. It’s your baby if she wants to see him she has to make the trip. Also I posted a similar thing about my MIL and absolutely got it in the neck about how unreasonable I am to expect her to visit and we should make the 400 mile return journey with a baby instead 🙄

Your mil is a freak for saying all that shit.

YANBU at all!
Stay home in comfort with everything you and your baby need and have people visit you in your own time.. and that includes MiL
No one can predict what delivery they will have or how post birth will affect them so I would just tell her you won't be travelling with baby
She could come by public transport

No don’t take the baby to her, make it clear an invitation is open and leave it there. My MIL didn’t see my son until he was a month because she wouldn’t make the 1hr journey and we eventually did go to her, it was very odd. He’s 3 now and she still never visits so basically doesn’t see him.

"Sorry MIL, I won't be travelling that far with LO until they are at a minimum 6 months old but if you wish to see baby before that, we can agree a mutually convenient time for you to come and visit. I just ask for the first few weeks so we can initially recover and baby can settle into their new home but after that you're more than welcome"

You’ve visited them four times this year? That’s pretty impressive seeing we’re not even two weeks into the new year! (I presume you mean 2024).

She should definitely travel to you. You need to start imposing your boundaries now. Don’t let her control the narrative.

The 30 minutes I think is because of the position of a baby in a car seat. If I remember rightly, it makes it harder for them to breath, so they can get distressed if left for long time.
In 1977 you probably held the baby or had them in the top of the pram on the back seat (so lying down) - that's assuming you had a car, which fewer people did then.

I wondered that too. I had my son in 1977 and people (including me) didn't baulk at travelling fairly long distances with babies back then. You'd have been considered rather strange if you said you couldn't travel more than 30 minutes because you were a new mum. Unless of course you or the baby were very unwell.

How do people get them home from hospital? Lots of us aren't within 30mins of a hospital,but mother isn't going to feel like being parked up by the side of the road while father removes newborn from the car seat for the neessary period.

We had family 4 hours from us. We waited to do the trip for maybe 4m (2nd baby was 3 1/2 m). Even at that age, you have to stop and take the baby out of the car seat every 2 hours so the trip takes longer. Newborns aren't meant to be in more than like 30 min so we didn't even consider longer travel. Plus, you have to take so much stuff with you.

I'd tell MIL that you'll visit her when baby is ready to travel.

How old is MIL?

YANBU to not want to spend hours in the car but she might NBU either, older people can struggle with long journeys as well.

I would just say “well neither of us can cope with the long journey but you’re welcome to come down when you feel up to it!”

You poor thing, that is horrendous behaviour.

Don't go visiting with a newborn. It will be very stressful for you. Breastfeeding, baby having crying jags, you and H up at night hoping the rest of the household isn't disturbed, all the nappies, the mess that can happen while getting breastfeeding going - stay in the comfort and convenience of your own home to deal with that. MIL needs to have her expectations adjusted.

Make sure your husband understands that you're not going to snap back and get on with life as usual after the baby is born, and that neither of you would be safe behind the wheel for the first months (because endless sleepless nights will impair you to the same extent as driving drunk).

Just make it really clear op that you'll only be making the drive when you physically feel up to it and when baby is a little older and can cope with the long journey in the car but if she wants to see baby before then she's welcome to visit.

To do stops every 30 minutes would take you absolutely ages so I just wouldn't be setting myself up for that. My family lived 2 hrs away and I didn't drive the whole way to their with ds for a few months but I met them halfway a few times and hosted them as much as they wanted to visit.

You just do what suits you in the early months op and other people can work round you.

I'm assuming there is public transport available for the majority of her journey so no reading why she can't get a bus or train and be collected by your dh.

She needs to come to you and when it suits you

I agree. I asked family members who lived a couple of hours away to visit us (we agreed on a day and they stayed for a few hours, not overnight).

I made an 8 hour car journey to my MIL at 8 weeks postpartum.

It was horrendous - my vagina swelled up from the pressure of the car journey, I got a vagina infection, and MIL upset me by calling herself 'mum' to my baby, said baby preferred her, and said that she wanted me to leave baby with her and FIL for days without me or DH.

Never again. Pregnant again and this time I won't be travelling anywhere until I'm ready (and I thought 8 weeks postpartum wasn't too early - it was)

The last thing a new mother and newborn needs is to be travelling any further afield than home or hospital, she knows this but was hoping to trap you into agreeing to her benefit.
You need to think and suit yourself when baby comes, draw your own boundary and if she doesn't want to travel that is fine but she can't make you or expect you to either.

YANBU. A 3.5 drive postpartum with a new born? No thanks.

Everything you've said is completely logical. Theres no way you'll want to travel that far and stay with someone within the first few weeks if you can help it.

Get your partner to explain this - either come to you or wait a while for a visit.

It's really important that you please yourself especially in the first months or years of parenthood.

Set the boundaries from the off or people will absolutely try and take the piss.

We did an incredibly long car journey when DC1 was 2 months old to visit family. This was my choice and I wanted to do it but in hindsight it was a terrible idea. I was far too fresh from the birth, DC1 had feeding issues and actually ended up in hospital on the trip after catching a horrendous virus and needing to be on a drip. It was so horrible and I regretted making such a big journey and trying to please everyone when all I really needed was to be at home with DH and getting into some sort of routine and prioritising my own recovery. Please don’t feel pressured OP

I would tell her now that you won't be making that journey with a newborn and that you'll be recuperating from the birth and getting used to feeding and being a new parent at home, where she's welcome to visit you.