AIBU to think MIL should come to us after baby is born, not expect us to drive?

I havent RTFT but is there a national express coach she could get instead of doing several changes by train? That might be more comfortable for her. Especially if someone can drop her at the coach station at her end and your DH pick her up near to you.

I think you are right not to do the travelling when baby is newborn. We are a 5hr drive from my parents. To go by train, it's an hour across London on public transport then a couple of hrs train then a drive to DM and DFs house. With both DC, we waited until they were around 3months and took them on public transport, but made it into a longer trip where we went for 2 weeks and saw all the extended family. So the long journey felt a bit more worth it.

Between birth and 3months, my lovely DM and DF came down to us twice. For DD1 they stayed in the Premier Inn up the road, for DD2, they just bunked in at our house. Even if she can just manage one trip, it will give her those lovely newborn memories and hopefully be a bit of a compromise for you.

Doable but it would be no from me given she could easily come to you. We went to a wedding when DS was 4wo and the 4 hour journey took 6, we stopped every 60-90 minutes. I had an easy birth, no section or complications.

I've voted yabu but not for not wanting to travel but for assuming you're mil meant you'd be visiting straight away.
Because unless you're planning on visiting before march or never visiting again the next time you visit it will be with your baby!

After 6 weeks is very different to before so I’d expect travelling to be fine from then on but in the first 6 weeks you are bleeding and your mid section is less stable so it’s easy to hurt your back, so long car journeys with a child that needs feeds etc are impractical.

You won't visit your disabled MIL but neither will you allow her to stay if she visits you?

Just say you don't like her and own it.

nope not in a million years. Even with a lay flat that’s way too far with breaks it would take about 5 hours to get there.
you absolutely need your own space. If she wants to see baby that badly she comes to you. If she doesn’t want to drive there’s always train and your hubby could meet her so far away.

I was guilt tripped into travelling 10 days after an emergency section to see MIL and I’m telling you learn from my mistakes. Don’t do it. At all.

Passenger Assistance is fantastic. They will carry your bags, take you by wheelchair between platforms etc, and evict any CF in your seat. Sometimes it’s a free upgrade to first class if the train doesn’t have an no accessible seat in standard.

If she comes over all “ooooh, to complicated for little old me” (she shouldn’t, but some people revel in being helpless) your DH can arrange the whole thing online. All she has to do is turn up at the B station.

I wondered that too. I had my son in 1977 and people (including me) didn't baulk at travelling fairly long distances with babies back then.

Sure, my parents did the same. Laid us all down asleep in the back of the mini estate and remove 10 hours overnight. That's safe, right?

You've no idea how you'll feel with a newborn. It's probably too far to travel in the first 6 weeks but after that a 3.5hr journey isn't too long (particularly in a lie flat car seat).
For context - we took our son on a long journey 3hrs plus when he was about 10/12 weeks to see my husbands parents/grandparents/siblings/aunty & uncle. Simply because they were all in one area.
His parents did visit us when our son was about 2 weeks old (they rarely travel). My parents live nearer so came on day one (with a shepherd's pie for tea!)
Your MIL will be excited to have a grandchild, please remember that. I imagine once the baby is here she'll be travelling up as soon as she can.
Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and don't think about visiting logistics until you really have to.

Things from her side....
She's excited about being a granny.The practicalities haven't entered her head.
Your husband is her son. She is expecting to be part of this new time just as much as your mother is.
You have usually travelled to her so she possibly thinks you prefer that option or hasn't actually thought about it at all .
I had my babies in the mid 90s. If she had your husband at a similar time , and has no other grandchildren, she won't have a clue about the car seat thing. It wasn't a thing at the time. We drove all over the place without stopping once.
Things from your side.....
If you want to change the travel options mention it calmly and kindly but make it absolutely non negotiable that you will not be travelling that far for months.
Invite her to stay for a couple of days but in a Premier Inn so she can pop in and out. She may want the space and peace just as much as you do.

Things can be sorted and will set the tone for the future.

Don't even give it a second thought. Let your husband explain it to her. No way is it right to travel that far with a newborn for a visit.

Only travel with the baby when you’re comfortable with it. Staying at someone else's house with a small baby is a pain, quite apart from the journey.

Nip it in the bud now OP. Make it clear you won’t be making the journey after having the baby so that she doesn’t cause you grief when the baby is born, because that’s the last thing you’ll want or need.

Echoing all the other comments here OP but I would be very clear to your other half that everything’s off the table for that first year. Travelling with a baby might be a breeze or you really might need to keep them in a routine - you just won’t know until they’re here. So plant that seed right now that 4 x 7 hour drives per year could be a thing of the past now you’ll have a family!

Erm very different perspective wouldn't bother me, we don't even live near a hospital within 30 minutes or an hour but happily traveled with all our babies without removing them every 30mins. Our last twins 2 days after we went 2 hours to go see my mil. Pop them out and get on 🤣 My teens survived well and so do my wee ones 😆

That’s what photos and video calls were invented for. No great grandparent is going to be that fussed by a newborn to travel that distance unless it’s part of something else like a christening or family occasion.

@rocketdogjazzin I recommend giving your DH a crib sheet of whatever you decide together. Easy to forget key points when on the phone to someone.

Rocket and baby won’t be able to travel to you until the baby is 4 months and that depends on weight etc as they have to be in a car seat for such a long time. We’ll find a long weekend in the summer perhaps to come to you.
In the meantime, if you’d like to see the baby sooner, you could come to us for a weekend. Use assisted travel services on the train for the connections or I could pick you up in Birmingham?

The B&B/hotel situation is awkward but does she have ground floor disabled access/additional safety bars etc at home? I’d suggest it would be simpler to cover the cost and just book it yourselves if funds permit. Then it’s fait accompli. But for a weekend (as DH will be back at work) to me it seems rude not to host her with him doing the heavy lifting unless totally impractical.

In my experience if you do the visiting you have more control over arrangements which is my preference. First 8-12weeks though, hell no.

Best of luck with the baby. 😀

You have not been unreasonable at all. You have thought things through.
When I had my children there was an expectation of driving babies around the country to see relatives. I did not think I could say no. It was lovely but also very tiring and I would have preferred to stay at home. I think it came about because many mums thought that the thought of having people to stay was too much. My in laws arrived for a fortnight, I was even more exhausted!
Now, thank goodness, things are more focused around the new family. You must (imho) say what you thinks works best for you. You don’t have to be rigid, you can change your mind, as you have mentioned you don’t know yet how you will feel.
As a new grandmother I feel a little like walking on egg shells as I read so many negative mil posts. I text in advance to see if I can pop in and ask which day is best and always outline other plans that I will do so they don’t feel I have come 200 miles just for an hour. I also have let them know that if they would like me to come for longer I can do that and at short notice. I feel/hope the balance is working. My dil is absolutely amazing and regularly texts me videos and photos. When I go to the house sometimes she is busy with the baby, I go to the local shops, cook a big meal with plenty over for the freezer and then we eat and laugh together. Sometimes the baby is more settled and we enjoy a quiet chat.
Sorry this is getting long and I know someone will jump in and say this is about you not me. What I am trying to convey (probably badly) is that you may be worrying to much, it is OK to chat to your mil and let her know how you feel and things can work out!
Enjoy your pregnancy and your baby.

You risk the baby if you expose her to too many people before she has her first vaccinations.
You will welcome being around home for the first few months.

Oh and to add to this, if she visits fine. Depends on your house/set up/ how helpful she is. I equally wouldn't have tolerated guests and hosting either so make sure she books a nearby hotel/Airbnb etc, because that's potential a whole other world of stress when you're finding your feet x

Absolutely not. You do what you need to do. Let your husband deal with her and push back. I won't be making that mistake second time round when we have another. People know where we live they can come to us in the early days

I’ve been told by my MIL that if we want DH’s grandparents to see my new baby then we need to drive four hours to see them. Absofuckinglutely no way, they can miss out.

Definitely NOT selfish of you. Selfish of her to assume you should travel with your new baby🙄
We did a long journey when baby was young (but a few months, not weeks), with lots of stops, and I said never again. It was awful when he was crying and I couldn't cuddle and console him. I didn't have anyone living far but no one in my family would have expected me to travel either. All came to our home.

Definitely give yourself time to be a new family and get used to everything. I regret not doing this. Then decide how much travelling you want to do.
Can mil get a train if she doesn't want to drive?

YANBU in not wanting to have to endure a 150 mile journey with a newborn and another child, and then to have your newborn in a strange environment.

However, with your MIL being disabled, it may be a nice thing for your husband to to to go and pick his mum up and bring her to yours. I'm sure that as she ages further, any siblings he has will get landed with the lion's share of caring duties, so he should do any little thing he can - including this.

Just say no to travelling that far in the first weeks/months; you don't even need to give the subject any thought.
You could invite her to stay a couple of nights in a local hotel or with local friends/family if there are any, and visit for short periods during the day - unless she wants to come for longer and help out with housework etc.