AIBU to think MIL should come to us after baby is born, not expect us to drive?

I don’t know your backstory with your mil/dil but this is rubbish, and it is shitty of you to tell any woman about to have her first baby that she should suck up a long drive and take newborn baby to see her mil not the other way around, and especially an autistic new mum, its hard enough to cope with people for many of us NT women while learning how to cope with our new baby.

grandparents travel if they can, and don’t see baby until parents are ready to make the trip if they can’t. My mum needs a walking frame / wheelchair and flew 30 hours from Australia to meet my babies.

As a very new grandmother I expected to to do what my soon to be DIL and DS wanted me to do. We had a conversation before the birth, I asked if they were happy for us to visit soon after birth or to wait. Then we had another conversation after the birth. I've just returned from a beautiful visit to my first grandchild aged 7 days. Communication is key, why do people try to guess what other people are feeling thinking etc? Ask and then discuss. The baby and mother do come first obviously, however grandma's are very excited! My DS and partner live about 3 hours away so not easy. I also told my son I will stop messaging him every day if it irritates him but he said it was fine, so I will carry on. 😁

I think the fairest way to look at this is, what would you do if this was your mum? Would you not let her stay overnight or not go and pick her up if she was struggling to travel? It's not exactly fair to impose rules on a PIL that you wouldn't impose if it was your own parent, so just really consider that before saying anything.

For start yes I'd be exactly the same with my own Mum if she lived that far away.
Secondly, the rules of applying same for PIL as same for own parents don't really apply as pp you're bleeding buckets and more than likely walking round with your tits out half the time. Bit more comfy around your own Mum than an mil you barely know!!!!

Op try to ignore the goady posters who are trying to make you feel awful.

My in laws live a 3 hour round trip and one has a disability... however..... when I have both my children they visited me and were incredibly respectful of my space and establishing routine. And even when I eventually visited them they made sure I had equipment up there, my own space and quite frankly anything I needed.

You shouldn't be expected to travel .. if you have a c section, mastitis , bleeding after birth... anything makes travel and moving bloody uncomfortable.

Stick by your guns, people visit you... when you feel up to it then you can visit.

I have siblings abroad... I didn't meet my niece till she was 18 months old! My mum didn't see her till 6 months....

My 2nd baby was born in covid and didn't meet anyone properly till 9 months old!

We all have wonderful relationships and no one is hurt or resentful.

If your MIL is a reasonable person I am sure she will understand that it wouldn’t be right to subject a newborn baby to that length of journey. Possibly, she doesn’t know about current guidance for babies and travelling, therefore, it might be helpful for your DH to explain this. I don’t think that the hotel option is wrong either as everyone benefits from the space.

If you all really want to make her visit happen, and can afford to do so, check out a long distance taxi option.

Your MIL meeting her grandchild for the first time will be a very special moment for you all, especially for your DH and his mother, as it will also be for you and your parents. There was something so wonderful about meeting and holding my DC’s babies for the first time that I don’t have the words to express it. If she is very keen to come in those early weeks and willing to make the journey, please don’t put yourself off by anticipating lots of problems. Most of us just about manage on a day to day basis anyway and you can be sure that not everything will be perfect, at any point!
Good luck and try not to worry about it all too much xx

I think the fairest way to look at this is, what would you do if this was your mum? Would you not let her stay overnight or not go and pick her up if she was struggling to travel? It's not exactly fair to impose rules on a PIL that you wouldn't impose if it was your own parent, so just really consider that before saying anything.

Saying that though, you won't want to travel that long for at least a couple of months, you'll be in a bit of a new born fog at least 3 months if not 6 and the time will fly by, no one is asking you to make a decision now so I feel you are completely overreacting, she mentioned it as an assumption.. based on the fact that you always travel to her, it wasn't a demand! A quick "no I don't think we'll feel comfortable travelling that far until at least a few months after the baby's born, happy to have you come and stay after a few weeks though, but we'll have to let you know if that's okay"

OP you are being extremely precious (and quite controlling tbh), it's little wonder people have such rubbish relationships with their in laws. You don't want to travel, which is fair enough, I wouldn't either, but I'm sure your DH wants his mum to meet the baby so maybe let him some input about collecting her or having her stay for a few days.. rather then you making the decision and him having to go along with what you say?

I think that YANBU to not want to travel immediately. I also don't think you are being unreasonable not to want her necessarily coming to stay immediately.

I DO think however that you could make some suggestions now of possible solutions, with the firm agreement plans might need to change, depending on how eeryone feels.

So no, very unlikely you'd be travelling up to her in the first 6 weeks. After that, will see.

In light of how you feel, you don't want houseguests int he house for at least the first 2-3 weeks.

Personally, I'd be suggesting that you tentatively agree that she comes to stay at around 4 weeks for a weekend (no longer). If she wants to come before that, and is happy to stay in a hotel, that's fine too. But ensure DH makes it clear that these plans might need to change.

Such an ignorant post

Trying to minimise the enormity of what women go through, before, during and following birth

Luckily the OP will ignore your nonsense

I expect you've not had a baby, or had one any time these last 30 years!

Yanbu at all. You definitely shouldn't be planning to take your little one on a long journey in the early months. I did do what should be a 2.5hr drive when LO was 4 months and it was so traumatic I swore never again - we actually took 7hrs to do the journey due to all the stops we needed for feeding, changing and other issues (I remember there would be a poonami JUST as we got back onto the motorway after the last stop. It was awful) we didn't do the journey by car again until LO was 2yo (we were able to do it by train a couple of times)

If she wants to see her grandchild she'll need to travel. Her choice.

And it wouldn't take 3.5 hours it would take far far longer than that with all the stopping. Plus changing a newborn on a yucky service station changing table. No thanks. Not if i can avoid it.

What a fucking insult to the multitude of women who have suffered birth trauma or injuries, PND or sleep deprivation so severe you can barely speak nevermind contemplate a 3.5 hrs car journey.
Obviously many births go perfectly smoothly and we all want this for the op but it is far wiser to rule out long journeys for now, rather than promise it and feel pressured into it when not upto it.

You are very wise x

I've had 2 babies and there's no way I'd want to put either myself or a newborn through a 3.5 hour car journey at 8 weeks pp. I don't care if other people did it and were fine, I know I'd have hated it. MIL can come to them.
Over the staying over I can see both sides but really is it that bad for her to stay in a comfortable hotel close by with DH picking her up and dropping her off?
Isn't that better than her getting a rubbish nights sleep at the OP's.
I was up and down with a crying baby all night!

Baby is due in March - you have no concept of how you'll feel afterwards - you cannot predict how baby will settle - and as new parents you are both on unexplored territory; so my advice would be to not even contemplate travelling any long distance until the summer. Local journeys are ok, GP etc., but a 3.5hr journey is totally unreasonable.

If MIL want to see her new GC then tell her she will have to make the journey herself but do give yourself time to get used to being parents and establish routine.

Good luck with your new baby.

You're having a baby, not open heart surgery.

Awful post, hope the op takes no notice of this attempt at guilt-tripping into something that might be what you and your family need to maintain good relationships but most certainly isn't right for everyone.

I think you are right not to commit to anything as you have no clue how the birth will go and recovery afterwards. Just leave it at that for the time being.

I didnt travel anywhere further than 45 mins away after DC’s arrival for 8 weeks. It’s much easier when you have a bit of a routine in place and can plan driving time and stop times around naps and feeds. Even then you will end up breastfeeding / changing a nappy in a layby.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, I wouldn't be travelling that far in the first few months

I do think, assuming you have the space, it's not very fair to expect her to stay in a hotel if she does make it down to visit. I had both my mum and my MIL staying with us within the first week of both babies arriving and we made it work

I would recommend she looks into wheelchair assistance at the stations- I've struggled with ME in the past and it can be absolutely debilitating and traveling can be really hard especially with transfers but you can get greeted at the door to the stations, taken to your train and greeted / transfered at each transfer point which should help

Op doesn't want her mil to stay.

Neither my parents nor my ILs expected to stay with us when they visited us after dd was born. (A month or two after, not immediately).

Some people on this thread have very weird, prescriptive attitudes.

YANBU to not want to make the journey to visit her.

YABU to not let her stay with you, that’s pretty mean.

A solution could be for your DH to drive up to collect her and bring her to stay. That’s what we used to do with our mothers.

I wouldn’t even do it at 8 weeks. I wouldn’t drive to my inlaws in the early months (also around 3.5hours away) so they travelled to us when she was about 2.5months old. They shouldn’t really be in car seats that lomg!

We didn’t drive to them until she was around 6 months old and it took ages (takes even longer now she is a toddler). Stopping to feed, stopping because the baby is wet - then add in the usual stops for driving breaks and toilets. It’s hard work and as someone said can easily become a 7 hour drive!

We split it now and do every second visit, though that has come with guilt trips (harder for them at their age etc). We actually allow most of the day for travel now and stop half way, get food and go to a playground.

If you have a csection it can be painful in the car for a while too - I found speed bumps excruciating for several weeks after I had my child.

@rocketdogjazzin could she do a short haul flight instead? Would be quicker for her and could take a taxi to the airport. Price wise it might be the same as a train. I'm not a fan of short haul flights but given her health issues, would it be easier for her?
Otherwise, facetime to begin with until you are settled enough to travel etc.

Maybe she just meant it as in "next time I see you the baby will have arrived" I can't imagine she would expect you to drive that far just after giving birth. If she does, a firm no will do. Having had a child her self.im sure she will understand.