AIBU to think MIL should come to us after baby is born, not expect us to drive?

Definitely not unreasonable. Aside from assuming you’re fine to drive 3,5 hours with sleep deprivation after a massive medical event (all births no matter how natural and good they went are incredibly taxing to women‘s bodies) which I find a bit presumptuous, it’s not something to be expected with a newborn. Precisely because of the inability of newborns to sit for a longer time on car seats as you’ve pointed out.

So it’s perfectly fine to say, let’s see how it goes. You need to feel healthy, strong and well rested enough for such a trip. If she can’t wait until then, there are ways for her to visit - train, asking someone to drive etc. And staying overnight at an air BnB or something can be also figured out, with your husband getting her back and forth if needed.

You do what’s best for you and the baby.

I never knew this until right now, I'm in shock! My ds used to love sleeping in his car seat.
He was hard to settle and we'd often leave him in it for hours.

Even without knowing this (and she probably doesn't, I'm in my 50s and just learnt it today) it's too much to expect you to travel there with a newborn!

Do you think mil actually expects to see you within a few weeks of the baby being born? If so, this is a huge expectation and I think your DH needs to talk to her beforehand, manage her expectations.

If her condition deteriorates is there a plan for the future?

Hi Op, we had a very similar situation when I had my two kids.

when I had my first I lived down south, about an hour from my in laws and about 3 hours from my parents. Both came to visit on the day/the day after the baby was born. Neither stayed with us or for very long. I had an EMCS and there is no way I could have travelled anywhere for a while or hosted anyone.

There were days when my nipples were red raw and cracked and I had to basically sit around topless! Not ideal hosting attire.

second birth I had moved up north so this time near my parents and about 4 hours from in laws. We said everyone was welcome to visit but they could stay in a hotel if they wanted to stay for longer. My MIL came up and back in a day I think on the train. FIL stayed in a local premier inn or somewhere and visited a couple of times for an hour or two. My parents would drop in but never longer than an hour.

my second birth was a lot more straight forward but I had a bit episiotomy and could not have sat in a car. I struggled even sitting on the couch sometimes. I also couldn’t stop myself farting for a few weeks which was quite funny but also not ideal around in laws!

I think we all look back on when we had kids and realise some things we did were quite precious and we probably could have compromised more. But I do think you get some licence when you have a baby to ring fence that time to just hunker down and get to know your baby with as few pressures as possible. My first also had terrible colic for about 10 weeks, would have been nightmare at someone else’s house or having visitors.

I would say don’t commit to anything, stay at home, and on this occasion let your MIL worry about logistics. If it’s too much you can arrange a visit when the baby is a bit older.

good luck with it all!!

Don't you say anything about it, that's your husband's job. He can tell her.

How old is MIL?

I think you are absolutely right to stay home and not put yourself or your baby in this position. I felt exactly the same about times in the car seat and refused to do it as well, although my MIL (approx 120 miles away) didn’t even consider asking us to visit. She also understood this was a time we wouldn’t want her to stay over and only visited for the day and went home again. It was much appreciated. The other grandparents (FIL and step MIL) who live nearly 500 miles away didn’t see our children until the oldest was nearly 7 as they chose not to visit and neither did we. In the end we did drive.

I really would stop overthinking this now and enjoy these last few months of pregnancy as you will never enjoy as much free time as you have right now again!

you can’t control other people’s reactions so when baby comes just say we aren’t making the journey and don’t say when you will.

you do need to be equal though as I’ve seen it where people just want their own mum and not MIL. Husband needs support too from their family.

You don’t know what will happen at birth as everyone is unique so focus on your pelvic floor exercises and enjoying not wetting yourself when you sneeze! Worry about visitors once baby is here but make it clear to visitors that they are welcome to make themselves a drink and run the hoover over

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

You are not being unreasonable. With my first child, I don’t think I really left the house much for about 3 months. I then got into some sort of pattern of baby classes and small trips with my NCT friends, but it was all very local. Within 30 mins from home.

that said, there could be many reasons for your MIL’s request. Maybe she’s a nervous driver, or anxious about being away from home or going too far? Perhaps other health issues like medicine, the need to be near a toilet, or fatigue or aches? Maybe she’s so used to her own comfort and routine? Some grandparents are very keen on having their grandchild visit their home, so they can indulge the child in their own way?

All of the above said, she should, at her stage of life, understand that being a new mum/ mum of a new baby, is all-consuming. She may have forgotten the chaos. I find that some MIL’s or older aunts say things like, ‘we just got on with in our day’. I remember my MIL saying that she stopped breast feeding because of all of the guests and family around her and that she took a flight to the US when her child was 6 months old. She did want to go on for longer. That didn’t stop me; I kept going for as long as I could.

Tell her to get the train if she doesn't want to drive but absolutely don't make any plans or commit to anything! Having a baby is incredible but it turns your world upside down and those first few months are for you and your husband to find your feet together and get use to your new dynamic. Huge congratulations though and honestly you have more important things to focus on so try not to dwell on that. Husband needs to step in and lead on that conversation with his mum in line with how you are both feeling.

First post nailed it. Its all about you and baby. She could get the train or dh go get her. But not too soon. Suggest she gets a local hotel too as you and baby need space... without worrying about her needs....

I’m nearly the same age as your MIL and I have a disability. I would happily manage - and have done - solitary travel with Passenger Assistance and staying in a nearby hotel when visiting family with a new baby.

In the first couple of weeks you won’t know day from night as babies aren’t exactly respectful of clocks. Someone with ME needs a decent night’s sleep, not up all hours while the OP’s milk comes in and the nights are very disturbed. A room in a hotel is a very sensible choice.

My parents stayed with us one night and checked into a hotel the next night when I had a new baby because it was knackering being woken up several times a night. We hadn’t realised how much it would affect everyone.

OP, you’re autistic so probably like to have plans ahead of time so you know what you’re facing. A hotel isn’t just ok, it’s actually a benefit.

@Onlyonekenobe
In some cultures (eg China and in the Middle East) women don’t leave the house for 40 days after birth. They go to their mothers or their mothers go to them. They’re cooked for, looked after with specially nourishing meals etc.

Took the words right out of my mouth!

It's no wonder PND is so high in the UK and the US.

Totally what you feel comfortable with.

For me, who had an accidental pregnancy (so had never envisioned what early parenthood looked like to me) I was keen to get back to normal life asap.

I had an emergency section but recovered well. My mother in law who lived in Northern Europe came over after I got home from hospital for a few days (10 days after first going in for induction). I found it helpful to have her around and she understood I'd disappear to a darkened cool room to feed my baby/sleep. It was a 28 degree summer spell. When the baby was 3 weeks old, we drove and sailed to my husband's family for about 5 days. Again I could just sit and feed the baby, food was brought to me, I'd sleep when I wanted. Visitors came for a cuddle, with gifts, with advice. All very welcomed.

Everyone is different but it helped me adapt to motherhood immensely to get back into things albeit at a slower pace than before, as soon as possible. To see people.

Weirdly, one thing that helped the most was when about 5 weeks post birth the new football season started. Hearing the sky sports or champions league anthem on tv, that you knew you'd hear with clockwork regularity helped to bring "routine" when there was very little with an ebf baby!

I really want to shout this from the rooftops. In the immediate weeks post partum the new Mum's needs have to be prioritised so that she is fit and well to look after her baby!
Not exhausting herself running around after everyone else. In the early weeks you do have quite a lot of adrenaline so it's really easy to go too hard but then you can crash from exhaustion a few months in.
What's best for the baby? A visit from Granny that they won't remember or a happy healthy Mummy?
As for "bonding" my first baby didn't meet one of his Grandads until he was 6 months old (not through me stopping them just panned out that way) and they have an amazing bond now!!

I think it's ok for her to not want to do a long drive, but if she doesn't want to use public transport either then I'm not sure what the solution is. She may just have to wait until you feel more able to travel to her.

Personally I wouldn't be travelling that far with a baby, or staying in a place where you don't have everything you have at home, you don't need a reason not to do that.. but no-one has demanded you do that.. MIL has obviously assumed, based on the fact you always go to her, but I'm sure if you talk to her she would understand, you should really have opened up to her at the time. It is not unreasonable for you to want to find your feet before travelling or hosting visitors, but it's a bit odd to be putting barriers in the way before you even get to that point.. so there's no point creating imaginary negative scenarios over it, as much as you may have problems, you may also be fine, so I'm guessing you may be a glass half empty sort of person generally? As this stress and worry about what could go wrong is a little extreme if not.

I think you not wanting her to stay for a few days is the issue here, if you would let your parents stay at some point, then it is only fair to let your DH have his mum stay, you're a couple in this, so while your health is obviously a priority and no one would suggest differently, your 'preferences' over who you are more comfortable with staying at the house is just that, a preference, so it is something you need to get over to be honest, his preferences are just as valid as yours, and he can work out logistics if he wants it to happen. The most important thing is you need to be a team, working together and making decisions together. If you start of laying down the law you will live to regret it as he may just check out of all decision making all together as he may feel he isn't listened to.

Try not to worry too much, just see how you feel at the time, no one is expecting decisions from you now so try not to give this sort of thing so much headspace.

I wouldn’t have been ready or willing to do a 3.5hr drive to stay in my MIL’s house with my first newborn (gets more difficult with subsequent children as you’ll have a toddler or more in addition) for weeks after birth. That’s just the way it was. The exhaustion, all the stuff, packing it all up, needing to be near a washing machine, waking in the night multiple times, colic, needing to eat an anti-social times.

In some cultures (eg China and in the Middle East) women don’t leave the house for 40 days after birth. They go to their mothers or their mothers go to them. They’re cooked for, looked after with specially nourishing meals etc.

It’s just an unfortunate set of circumstances that your disabled MIL lives so far away. That’s just the way it is. My parents lived thousands of miles away and didn’t see my DC until they were months old. None of this idea that I and a baby and DH (realistically) should travel to see them. Circumstances just didn’t allow for it. That’s life.

You just say - we are happy to visit at a suitable time for us after the baby is here it is too far to take a young child and there is 3 of us. You are welcome to stay and catch the train.

My parents used to refuse to visit me and the children saying it was too far or they were too old or too busy, I’m working full time, there were 3 of us, they were 60 and as for it being too far - they were happy to drive from the U.K. to the south of France four times year but not 3 hours to see me.

I mentioned this up thread, OP, but is there not a national express coach option? They don't always show up on Google maps. You have to look on the website directly. A taxi would be madness as would your DH doing the journey to be honest. https://www.nationalexpress.com/en

Also... baby may come early... which brings other risks.

I am pretty sure if you mentioned this to your midwife she would have strong opinions about staying home.

Women used to be kept in for 2 weeks after birth.... and visited at home for weeks afterwards.

Op... please don't waste energy defending yourself.... don't commit to anything now.... but when baby has arrived then you can make plans as and when it suits you, the birth you have and the health of you and your baby!

Selfishly, I think it would be much easier for me to stay at home where I’m comfortable and have everything set up

I just got to this bit of your OP and internally yelled "it's NOT selfish to look after yourself"!!! Self care is essential at this time!!

Do what is right for you and your newborn. Always.