AIBU to think MIL should come to us after baby is born, not expect us to drive?

Congratulations 🎉 it is wonderful that everything has worked out so well. Wishing you all the best with healing from the CS and enjoying your baby and family life.

She’d already looked up hotels and had been resting for weeks ahead of my due date to have the energy to make the journey.

HOw lovely that she was proactive, thoughtful and kind. I love that. Congratulations to you all.

Fantastic news @rocketdogjazzin .
Congratulations on your baby 🥰 AND on having such a harmonious relationship with your MIL. 😉

Congratulations OP!

Huge congratulations to you all! Glad it all got resolved so amicably and the baby and grandparent can look forward to a long and happy relationship together. Nice to read a Mumsnet thread where her husband actually has his wife's back. Long may it continue.

But the post isn't about MIL visiting its about a new Mum going on a very long journey in the immediate weeks post partum. I think you need to re read the OP's posts.

I tore from front to back, I could not think of anything worse than having to sit for that length of time to visit someone. You will put a few noses out of joint when it comes to having a baby, you'll just need to accept that. People believe it is their right to see a new baby as and when they wish. It is not. You absolutely see how you, your partner and new baby are feeling and go from there. Sometimes you need to be quite firm with people, for them to understand but if you don't set boundaries right from the start, it will only get worse if I'm honest.

I hope everything goes well with the birth and that you get to enjoy some much needed bonding time. Good luck with everything 😊

OP, as far as I am aware it's 20-30mins per trip but 2hours per day max for the first 3 months. These are what I followed for my babies. Although both of mine hated the car seat until 5/6months so no chance would I have planned a 7hr round trip. I never let them cry more than 10mins without stopping so it would have taken us days to get to MILS!

Take things at your own pace, MIL can make the effort for her grandchild if she can do it for her hobby.

And it's pretty pointless comparing to what you'd do for your parents since you'd obviously be more comfortable around them. It's you that will have given birth not your DP. It's you who has to establish breastfeeding and manage the postpartum hormones not him. Your comfort should be a priority as happy mum equals happy baby.

Well said @sandyhappypeople

It sounds to me that part of the issue is perspective and taking things literally. Is some kind of delivery injury/post partum adjustment taking 2 months an unforeseeable or foreseeable risk?

Rocket doesn't say she doesn't want to go there, Rocket is -based on the information she has and the level of uncertainty - unwilling to commit to going there in any specific moment and to any specific plan.
Which is ok. It is just one of the approaches, but it isn't better or worse than happily planning a newborn meeting and cancelling when the situation doesn't allow it. And it is much better than the middle ground - planning the meeting, hoping for the best and than feeling unable to cancel.

Actually, the MIL might be quite reasonable when they explain that it isn't probable their next visit would be possible soon/in 3 months as usually, and that the probable options are soon in their area and using a hotel, a bit later in their area and staying with them, or even later them going there.

The half an hour rule doesn't actually count for lie flat seats, this is because non lie flats can restrict oxygen because of their head position. Long journeys are often actually quite easy with a baby so I think this is a bit of a fuss in honesty. We used to go in the evening so dd would sleep from the car motion. It really isn't that long a journey either.

Except the MIL isn't insisting on doing what is best or her, OP and her DH always go to visit her from the sounds of it, so she has (harmlessly IMO) assumed that will carry on but with baby in tow, an actual conversation needs to be had about it before anyone can be accused of being unreasonable or 'demanding' in some way.

No one has done anything wrong here, it sounds like a miscommunication to be fair, which could have been all cleared up if OP had said something at the time to explain that the normal travel arrangements may have to change now, or at least temporarily anyway.

It needs a conversation in fairness and DH should probably be the one to approach it.

Completely agree with everything you've said here. My in laws live a couple of hours away and came to visit for the day and then went back home. My parents live in the same town as me. Your MIL is able to travel with her friends so she needs to either travel to you and stay in a hotel or wait 6 months or so until it's easier to travel with a baby. I would not have been able to travel that far postpartum. It's also a faff packing all the baby things. Some women have easy births, some women don't.

Definitely try to relax…..as much as possible with a new baby due soon! 😉
You never know how things will go and maybe MIL will visit but stay elsewhere and pop over and be helpful and wonderful.

Sounds like the last sentence could possibly apply to the MIL too. Why does she get to do what’s best for her without considering a new mother and a tiny newborn? It’s a short period in their life where they should come first.

It's laughable isn't it..

I do wonder the state of some people's relationships when they think it is right that they should dictate what is happening and when, and want to control everything that happens around them, with no input whatsoever from the husbands/partners etc. (I'm not saying OP is actually doing that, but many posters on here seem to feel scarily comfortable with that).

I'm sure DH may want his mum to meet the baby.. but he didn't physically birth it so definitely doesn't get any say as to who visits and when??

The world is too much like this now, everyone out for themselves.

if she wants to see baby, she comes to you, at a time and day dictated by you and entirely on your terms

Does the samecapplybto the OP's patents or is it just MIL who is dictated to?

I would wait and see how you feel when the baby is born. I wouldn’t get worried over it now, you have no idea. You might be in a physical state where it’s not possible or you might want to show off your precious new baby. That said, the choice is always yours and you should prioritise the health and wellbeing of you and your baby for this short period of time.

If and when I have grandchildren, you can bet I’d find a way to travel and stay in a hotel if it meant supporting my adult child and a new grandchild. I have quite significant health issues and a disability but wild horses wouldn’t keep me away.

This is true. Not everyone wants to be indoors with a newborn.

Just stop thinking about it. You're not due for another month.

You might be raring to get out of the house six weeks later; you might not. When my twins were 6 weeks old we travelled 200 miles and stayed with my mum, doing the rounds of family. We broke down on the motorway, it was snowing, we spent 5 hours at a service station, but otherwise it was lovely.

Just go with the flow. I promise you, from the bottom of my heart, making decisions now about what you will and won't do is just going to stress you out if and when those plans don't come off exactly how you want them to.

It’s perfectly acceptable to explain that you won’t be making long car journeys for a while - my family are 4 hours away and no one expected us to do that journey straight away. My family are pretty rubbish when it comes to travelling to us for a variety of reasons, health being one, but did come to us when our children were born and another once before we went there. We tend to do all the travelling, but didn’t take the children until they were six months old. They are twins and I couldn’t face that drive too early on! My in laws lived abroad at the time and didn’t come over until about 10 weeks after they were born, their choice and that was fine. Get your DH to have a chat with her and see what she is comfortable with. Don’t overthink it, you are not being unreasonable at all.

It’s perfectly reasonable for a woman (especially an autistic, highly introverted one) to need a few weeks to adjust to being post-partum and breastfeeding and bleeding before she has guests to stay.

It’s nothing to do with not liking MIL. What you’re suggesting is that MIL always comes first regardless of a post-partim’s woman’s needs.