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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My partner not wanting my mum to see my new baby

545 replies

Joelm1066 · 11/01/2025 16:33

I have recently had a baby boy with my partner. We have been together for six years. In the course of our relationship she has not got on well with my mother. My mum can be a bit tactless, but she has a good heart. However, my partner wants very limited contact with her despite my mum reaching out and trying to improve relations between them. After 6 years I have come to accept that she doesn’t want regular contact with her. However, since the birth of our child 8 days ago, she is insisting that she wants to wait at least a month before my mum sees the child even though he has met all of her close family and close friend. She says that it is because she only wants contact with people she’s comfortable around, but I think I have a right to introduce my child to his grandmother sooner than a month. AIBU?
It’s causing me a great deal of sadness and stress at a time when I should be happy. I don’t really know what to do.

OP posts:
WearyAuldWumman · 11/01/2025 22:03

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I've never given birth myself, but I would imagine that someone who has will probably feel more comfortable with their own mother rather than their partner's.

WonderingAboutThus · 11/01/2025 22:02

The most hyperbolic reactions and exclamation marks are very much not where the majority opinion in the polling is at...

404ErrorCode · 11/01/2025 22:01

She smokes
She is judgemental
She offers unsolicited advice
She is tactless

I feel like Op has worded this in a way to minimise how bad his mum is here in order to get the responses he wants.

OP, you should be sticking up for your partner here when she does the above behaviours. She doesn’t sound respectful of your partner at all.

Given she has only given birth a few days ago, I would park it for now. Who would want someone around them during a vulnerable time that does the above? It’s time to look at your mother’s behaviour here too. She doesn’t come across perfect.

BlueSky2024 · 11/01/2025 22:00

IdylicDay · 11/01/2025 21:58

4 emoticons. You are really really losing it. Calm down!

But you do understand that you don’t get to decide the outcome here, don’t you?

From the way you were commenting it seemed like you got very confused and thought that you did and your decision was final

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 11/01/2025 22:00

IdylicDay · 11/01/2025 21:57

Exactly, the responses are being batshit crazy. Either MILs posting or MRAs.

Nonsense. You don't have to be a MIL to see how fucking unfair this is!!

I don't know what the hell is wrong with some people!

BobbyDazzlers · 11/01/2025 21:59

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WonderingAboutThus · 11/01/2025 21:58

IdylicDay · 11/01/2025 21:52

And most of us know you don't just take an 8 day old newborn off the mother's breast and take it somewhere else!!

I wouldn't. I would give the mum the choice to have the baby taken to MIL or MIL come to the house.

8-day-olds don't need to be ripped of the breast (how ridiculous, it sounds like an unserious parody rather than a real accusation!), they spend plenty of their time asleep and I am sure mum could do with a nap too.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 11/01/2025 21:58

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IdylicDay · 11/01/2025 21:58

BlueSky2024 · 11/01/2025 21:55

End off….😂😂😂😂, you don’t really get to make the decision on this, are you capable of understanding that, you are not the parent in this situation

4 emoticons. You are really really losing it. Calm down!

IdylicDay · 11/01/2025 21:57

TiredCatLady · 11/01/2025 20:43

I see the MIL from hell are out in force on this thread tonight. So a woman who has just given birth is “unreasonable”, “controlling” etc. right ok then. Did someone actually just post something along the lines of “the child isn’t her possession.” Referring to an 8 days post partum baby who is likely getting settled into breastfeeding?
How would you have felt having your week old child taken from you by your partner I wonder?

Exactly, the responses are being batshit crazy. Either MILs posting or MRAs.

ttcat37 · 11/01/2025 21:55

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 11/01/2025 21:47

Well I hope the same gets done to you. It's brutally cruel.

Hmm, you’ve just said that you let your smoker MIL around your babies, knowingly risking their health, because basically you didn’t want to hurt her feelings. I’m not sure that your opinion of what is cruel has much credence.

BlueSky2024 · 11/01/2025 21:55

IdylicDay · 11/01/2025 21:51

Calm down yourself! The MOTHER has the final say. Not the male. End of!

End off….😂😂😂😂, you don’t really get to make the decision on this, are you capable of understanding that, you are not the parent in this situation

IdylicDay · 11/01/2025 21:55

BlueSky2024 · 11/01/2025 21:53

Don’t be ridiculous, you are getting all wound up about something that dosent even involve you….have you asked yourself why…..

You're the one being ridiculous and getting wound up. Stop gaslighting.

IdylicDay · 11/01/2025 21:54

LegoBingo · 11/01/2025 20:39

Op still hasn't clarified which one of them gave birth. It's so frustrating how hetronormative people are on this thread.

heteronormative

Oh ffs!

XelaM · 11/01/2025 21:53

Wow so many awful DILs on this thread 😮

BlueSky2024 · 11/01/2025 21:53

IdylicDay · 11/01/2025 21:51

Calm down yourself! The MOTHER has the final say. Not the male. End of!

Don’t be ridiculous, you are getting all wound up about something that dosent even involve you….have you asked yourself why…..

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 11/01/2025 21:53

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IdylicDay · 11/01/2025 21:52

WonderingAboutThus · 11/01/2025 21:51

Because most of us are mums and know that giving birth doesn't give you an unlimited pass to your own grudges or preferences.

And most of us know you don't just take an 8 day old newborn off the mother's breast and take it somewhere else!!

IdylicDay · 11/01/2025 21:51

BlueSky2024 · 11/01/2025 21:47

Calm down!!! The FATHER has a say as-well! BOTH are the child’s parents

Calm down yourself! The MOTHER has the final say. Not the male. End of!

BlueSky2024 · 11/01/2025 21:51

IdylicDay · 11/01/2025 21:46

No, I don't need to 'calm down' 'dear', and if you are suggesting the man take the baby and go to his mothers, ripping baby from the breastfeeding mother's breast is exactly what you are suggesting!!

You do need to calm down!!!! The MIL can come to see the baby…..NOONE a suggested the child be RIPPED a from the mothers breast, the child could also be taken to the MILs place between feeding times if she lived close by…..the BLODDY point is that the MIL could see the baby at the most convenient location without the mother

WonderingAboutThus · 11/01/2025 21:51

TiredCatLady · 11/01/2025 21:42

Some of the comments on here tonight. Bloody hell.

Given so many people on here have nightmare MIL - why are so many people leaping to the support of someone that the MOTHER has made clear she wants to wait before having around? And not forever either. A month. While she’s vulnerable, bleeding and breastfeeding?

Anyone suggesting the partner take an 8 day old away from its mother is deranged. “Oh slink them out for a walk in the pram”, “you have a right to…”, “just take them”.

What the hell am I reading.

Because most of us are mums and know that giving birth doesn't give you an unlimited pass to your own grudges or preferences.

IdylicDay · 11/01/2025 21:51

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 11/01/2025 21:48

Not when she is being so cruel and unreasonable.

She is not being cruel and she is being more than reasonable, under the circumstances! More than reasonable!

IdylicDay · 11/01/2025 21:50

valentinka31 · 11/01/2025 20:36

I only have one word for her behaviour: barbaric. The baby is not just the possession of his mother. The baby is everyone's and nobody's. He is himself. And he has a family.

It is entirely wrong for her to think she can dictate that his grandmother should not meet him. Tbh I myself would be taking advice from a solicitor. I find this very bad. The child has a right to know and be loved by all of his family. Without his grandmother, he would not be here, and nor would you. His mother needs to appreciate that.

Read the OPs post properly, @valentinka31 . OP's partner is not saying MIL can't meet the baby, just that she wants a month. FFS, She's 8 days post partum! That's not too much to ask! No need to get a solicitor when MIL is going to meet the baby in a month. You are being ridiculous.

WonderingAboutThus · 11/01/2025 21:49

It's not about whether the grandmother has a right to see the baby (she doesn't as such), it's about whether the dad or second mum has the right to invite people to his/her own house and his/her own baby. Which he clearly does, as over 90% of people here clearly agree.

The mum sounds like she is just being spiteful, but even if she wer genuinely overwhelmed, she is in the wrong and just because she feels something, doesn't mean DP has to follow her on everything.

If she didn't trust him to change a nappy? He still has the right to and ought to be given a chance. If she wants the baby to only wear the clothes she picked out? Not the hill I'd die on, but certainly mum is in the wrong. If she thinks she gets to decide who the dad invites to the house and sees the baby up to his closest relatives? Hell no.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 11/01/2025 21:49

XelaM · 11/01/2025 21:45

So what?! My in-laws met my baby on day 1 as did my own mum. Why is that such a big deal if other people have already visited anyway?

Edited

That's what normal, decent, rational people do.