My partner not wanting my mum to see my new baby

Exactly, a short break from the birth mother won’t do either the mother or baby any harm, a break could in fact do the birth mother some good provided that the baby was in safe and capable hands which it would be because it would be with the father
@Mamasperspective , the way you are commenting it seems that in your head your perspective and your perspective alone is the only way

He is not prioritising his mother. He wants to show his mother THEIR newborn baby and she would like to meet her grandson.

In a marriage - it is give and take. Banning her husbands mother from visiting their home for a month & refusing to let her meet the baby - is not on. If her only crime is being “tactless”.

It is controlling - especially when she has the option of just grabbing a drink, going upstairs and relaxing for 20 minutes.

I can’t imagine having a baby and not being allowed to show my mother the baby for a MONTH - because my husband said so.

And this is the type of shit that pushes mothers into feeling guilty for taking half an hour out. Separation as in a significant amount of time not I'm going to have a bath or sleep that would be very detrimental to a mothers mental health.

‘Access’ the baby? Do you mean forming a bond/relationship with her grandson? So what IF that is the reason she’s been trying to make amends- maybe allow her to and ya never know, maybe everyone could get along after all. If it really is a relationship beyond repair, then OP can still allow his mother to have a relationship with her grandson away from partner.

So tactless that her DIL was willing to lodge with her when it suited.

Your poor Mum poor you and poor baby. She can’t have disliked your Mum that much to have ‘ lodged’ with her the second time. I’m sure your mum has her faults, we all do but its cruel not to let her see her grandchild.

I should add, by the time he died, all of children adored him. And I shed a very private tear for him myself as now I can reconginse that a lot of the animosity was entirely down to me.

For a long time, I didn't like my FIL. He annoyed the shit out of me. But I did respect his place in my children's history so, after every birth, he was invited just like everyone else. I would be polite and then just go and watch something in my room while he cooed over the baby(ies). IF there is no history of abuse, etc it's ok to just say that you want your Mum over and your partner can hide herself away for an hour or two. Or join in. That's up to her!

Even if you are being vindictive and nasty it's unhinged.

Yes, it’s only 8 days after giving birth but all the birth mothers side of the family and some of her friends have already seen the baby by now, it won’t do the baby or mother any harm for the MIL to see the baby for a short visit
The mother and baby were fit enough to already see quite a lot of people very soon after the birth so why not the MIL

"Years" lol how old are your kids ..they ask how you are they don't say rule your family like a rod of iron .....one day you maybe the nasty mil pushed out.

@RisingSunn well I guess you must be the expert in this field and OP should listen to you then hey? Let him pacify his mother, he will be complaining about a complete relationship breakdown next for prioritising his mother over his wife and her lack of trust in him. When trust breaks down, his marriage will have an expiry date. There's zero reason his mother can't wait. Had she been less 'tactless' with OP's wife in the first place then she wouldn't find herself in this position

So any new mothers who need 30 minutes on their own or ask their partners to take over so they can have a break are failing their babies and ripping them from their breast

Being tactless isn’t a good enough reason to control when the father of your child’s mother can eventually visit the home and meet baby.
OP describes his Mum as tactless but well meaning. It’s hardly crime of the century and his Mum has clearly tried to make amends- probably at OPs request for want of a better relationship between his mum and partner but his partner won’t accept this so what else is his Mum to do?
OPs partner can make herself scarce for a short while if she visits. Why some posters are absolutely behind this compromise, I have NO idea.
And I don’t think this is anything to do with OP needing to ‘cut apron strings’, I think he genuinely feels his partner is being unreasonable and actually realises she can be hard work and is being difficult with his mother but obviously has loyalty to his partner, hence the predicament in the first place.

You could have 3 PHDs in Child Development. And I will still say that taking time to have a cup of tea or a soak is not the end of the world for the new mother.

She is giving her husband the opportunity to share his newborn son with his mum for 20 minutes - if that.

I’m sure baby will be just fine…

@BlueSky2024 she's only 8 days from giving birth! Why can't his mother just wait? It's of NO benefit to baby or the new mother for her to visit (and they are the ONLY ones recovering from the birth experience)

If the birth mother is behaving in a vindictive way the father should to step in, a short well planned visit won’t hurt mother or baby
If the mother is getting overly stressed about it then there is the possibility that she has a very controlling nature, some very controlling people get very stressed when they don’t get what they want but that is something they need to overcome

@BlueSky2024 OP described his mother as tactless and his mother has been reaching out to make amends (likely to get access to the baby) so she's clearly aware that her behaviour has been poor. OP needs to think about whether he would allow a person to treat his child the way his mother has treated his wife and go from there. Sounds like OP is skirting over his mother's behaviour. I would love to hear his wife's take on this.

There is no real evidence that the MIL treated the mother badly, the baby has been shown to all the mothers side of the family including some friends, but the MIL needs to wait a month? it sounds like vindictive and controlling behaviour from the mother and the intent seems to be to hurt the MIL

@RisingSunn So she feels pushed to hide in her own home and have her new baby taken off her to pacify the feelings of a woman who couldn't be kind and respectful to her? The baby NEEDS to be near their mother (and yes, before you ask, speech therapist with a masters in child psychology and mother to 2) because a baby's cortisol levels rise when separated from their mother, as do the new mothers.

MrsSunshine2b Terrible suggestion for a response. OP please don't use that unless you want a complete relationship breakdown because 4 weeks is not a long time for your mother to wait. She would have met baby sooner, had she been kind and respectful to your wife. She wasn't, she was tactless. OP when you go through 9 months of carrying a baby then childbirth, you can have whoever YOU want in the first 4 weeks, until then, stick up for your wife.

Advocate for what?
New mum can grab a cup of tea for 20 minutes upstairs. Whilst grandma sees her new grandson. What is so difficult about that?

Unless it’s all about control??

Baby doesn’t need to be separated. The GM can come to the house or the whole family go to her. Very simple.

Oh but wait…

OP your partner is mental. When your relationship inevitably goes tits up you’re going to have one hell of a struggle on your hands to maintain a relationship with your child with her poisoning the well already.

@BlueSky2024 the mother of the one who has just given birth/maternal grandparent will visit first because she's seeing HER daughter, as it's only her daughter who has just given birth. Yes OP is the dad but he was merely a spectator. Those who are commenting about what they were doing post birth are ridiculous - I had what was classed as a straight forward birth the first time and still had a tear and stitches, not to mention the fact that 'baby blues' can kick in on about day 4. This baby is only 8 days old. His mother isn't visiting because she's treated the new mother badly prior to birth. The new mother should be taken care of by her husband during this vulnerable time and instead he's trying to pacify his mother. Babies don't bond with anyone other than parents over the first few months because they do not initially develop object permanence so his mother waiting will not negatively impact the baby in any way. However, if the new mother is stressed, the baby will feel that so the best thing for his immediate family is for his mother to accept these are the consequences of the treatment of his wife. He's building his own family with his wife and he needs to step up and advocate for them. Cut the apron strings from his mother (and the excuses for her behaviour)