My partner not wanting my mum to see my new baby

In the short time I've been posting I've noticed where babies are involved fathers & MILs tend to take a back seat in the eyes of mumsnetters so I'd take a lot of the opinions with a pinch of salt. There are certain instances I do agree with although in many including this one I wholeheartedly disagree. It's no wonder you are upset OP. Your partner sounds extremely controlling & lacking in consideration for your feelings at a time you should be as happy as she is with your newborn. Your mother has just as much right to meet your baby as your partners mother. Providing she is not the wicked witch from the west (she doesn't sound like it) she also has the same desire & right to be involved in your childs life.

Oh for goodness sake, what nonsense. When my DC was 8 days old or so, I was going upstairs and having a soak in the bath for 40-50 mins. Baby was fine with DH downstairs. Some people seem to forget just how much newborn babies sleep.

Yep I think the majority of MILs would be hurt if they found themselves in the same situation but this poster is gonna double down on her view in the name of ‘boundaries’. ‘removing toxicity’ and ‘mothers rights’.

I bet you will be very hurt to hear every one else was visiting week one and you had to wait another 3 weeks.

It's only on here that people can get away with the I love my children will lay down my life for them then once they hit 18 give up any need to want to be part of their lives.

Setting boundaries is one thing, but the reasons why the boundaries have been set seem to be questionable, that’s the problem.

i didnt ask my DH if we could delay seeing his parents. because although i wasnt really up for it, they are his loving parents and my DH was so proud to be a dad. there was no way i was taking that away from him.

if one day my DIL tells my DS that she doesnt want me to see my grandchild for one month i'll accept it, but i would be so dissapointed that i wasnt able to have memories of my grandchild at the newborn stage.

Presumably the OP likes his own mother? Therefore, he has every right to let her in his home and meet his newborn as his partner has done with her own family and friends.
Up to 1 hour of uncomfortableness for the sake of family relations is hardly the end of the world.

'Wouldn't care'.

There is definitely some information here that missing or your partner is a controlling red flag.
Op not saying you are lying but is your DM or DP lying about why their relationship broke down?
Being a bit tackless doesn’t sound like a valid reason to keep your DM away. Especially since your DP could feed and then go down for a little nap.
I would normally say a freshly postpartum mother has all the say, but the fact she feels up to seeing everyone else does seem a little unfair.
Does your DP have other requests in your life that makes your feel isolated or bad about yourself? Or is this a one off request?

Rubbish! I do not believe for one minute you would be perfectly happy to be the only one not allowed to visit their grandchild.

No one is throwing a tantrum or suggesting that would be ok to do, but you're talking bullshit If you say that you would care if you were the only one excluded from visiting.

Well, the poster I was talking to did.

Presumably the OP’s partner likes her own friends and family, hence inviting them? She says she wants to see people she’s comfortable with, which doesn’t include MIL that she doesn’t like.

And as her prerogative as a new mum, if she says “can you give me a month”, fine, I’m glad she has boundaries. I won’t be throwing a tantrum.

Where does it actually state the the partner is the birth Mum?

It seems to me that people are making a whole load of assumptions here with not very much information.

It sounds to me like your partner is a controlling cow, and I'd be wondering whether I really wanted to raise a child with her. Of course you're NOT being unreasonable in wanting to introduce your child to your Mum OP. Your partner doesn't need to be there if she doesn't want to, but I sure as hell wouldn't be letting her dictate who my child meets and who he doesn't.

Well, the mum in question doesn't want space. After all, her family and friends have visited.

I am pretty sure the poster you questioned would be hurt if she was the only one not allowed to visit her grandchild for a month.

Well, your future DIL (if you have one) might one day decide you're annoying, or she doesn't like you and do the same to you.

OP clearly liked her MIL at one point as they were friends, and I doubt she has changed that much. Some women just feel threatened by their MILs due to insecurity of whatever. Being a decent MIL doesn't guarantee that it won't happen to you, sadly.

Hv typically see a child a handful of times unless there are issues, a couple of weigh ins a developmental check at 30 months then that's it especially now they go to childcare. Even children where there are issues like bereavement it's not uncommon to wait 6 months or longer to see the child. Years is a long stretch.

Your assuming your future Dil/bil will think your fab not interfering, disinterested, opinionated, too old fashioned, possessive, old fashioned, or just not their parent so I don't like her.....which seems common on MN

Surely having experienced being the new mother who desperately wanted to have her own space for a few days/ weeks, you would understand and want to give your daughter in law what wasn’t granted to you?

Her family and friends already have been around.

Yes, years. Good maternal mental health is obviously very important to ensure the health and welfare of children. I didn’t say they ruled with a rod of iron…
I won’t be the ‘nasty mil’, so don’t worry about me…

You sound like a kind and rational woman so hopefully that won’t happen, hope you are enjoying your new baby and all is going well

Well given she's had a boy, I hope that she isn't modelling how it should be done when she's the MIL.

Honestly we all have to do things for the people we love that might not e our preference. She just has to suck it up and be nice for an hour.

I don't understand why the month mark will magically change things. So she's good enough to see him then but not a day before? That's just being awkward.

So when will her mum be allowed to see the baby if she's around?

Exactly, the birth mother sounds vindictive and cruel, the father on the other hand seems to be more rational, I would also question being with a woman like this, she sounds very controlling, the father has every right to show his baby to his mother and not keep her waiting when so many of the mothers family and friends have seen the baby

I really hate how things are getting. How some women think that because they gave birth they have the right to exclude their partner's family from visiting.

If the birth was traumatic and no one had visited then fair enough, but it isn't the case here. It is no real hardship for MIL to visit. If mum can't handle seeing her (although previously living with her was fine) then she can go upstairs for half an hour. It shouldn't be a massive hardship to do this at least.

I can't imagine telling my husband his mum couldn't visit for a month. I love him, he is the father, why on earth would I deny him the pleasure of introducing our child to his family? Bar any abuse, it is cruel and make no mistake it is all about control.

It is unfair to make one parent wait for a month to visit whilst other people can. This baby has two parents, and unless she is actually abusive to the OP she should be able to manage MIL visiting for a short while. Yes, it might not be the most comfortable experience, but if you can't put yourself out for your partner who wants his mum to meet his child then you are simply shitty.

Meeting my grandson when he was born was the most amazing experience. I am so so glad I got to see him just after birth. Thank god my daughter in law never played any of these games. I hope those of you who thinks its ok to exclude the MIL because she is a bit tactless and annoying never have to experience the pain of not being able to meet your grandchild, when everyone else has been allowed to. You will change your tune when you become a grandparent and realise just what it feels like when your grandchild is born.

Her friends and family have visited, but not MIL. I would be taking a good look at the relationship to be honest. Who wants to be with someone so cruel?

You do not use babies to get one over on your MIL because you dont like her. Go out of the room, find a way to make it manageable if you can't stand to be in the room with her, but let her visit ffs. For your partner at least, who I assume you love.

this would cause serious problems if that were to happen in my family. i had a traumatic birth a few months ago. i didnt really want to see my in laws right away. i was in pain and tired and exclusively BF. but they are the grandparents. to deprive my husbands parents meeting the baby any later than a few days after the birth just because i didnt really feel like it would have been selfish.

it makes me sad that one day my son's wife might deprive me of meeting my grandchild just because she doesnt feel like seeing me.