My partner not wanting my mum to see my new baby

Not if they were the parent who gave birth and a sperm donor was used. In that case there is no father just a sperms donor who has zero right to take the baby to see anyone

Unless there is something monumental missing that is more than 'tactless' e.g. overtime racism/abuse directed at the baby's mother, then OP should ever every right to have his/her mum over to meet her grandchild and not wait a month. The partner can sit upstairs or elsewhere if she really doesn't want anything to do with her.

@Joelm1066 OP needs to come back and explain what tactless means in his eyes!

I also have several children and put others first after I had given birth, to my own detriment.

The person giving birth and recovering should take priority over others demands in the few weeks after birth.

It definitely sounds like there are major transgressions in this instance being played down by the op though.

Who says op is a man?

Either way whoever gave birth needs to be comfortable and looked after right now, not putting themselves in a situation with someone 'tactless' who they actively dislike in the name of fairness. Its 4 weeks of recovery time, not a year.

I first read this as a same-sex couple and thought you had given birth, and were not being unreasonable.

After seeing your username, this seems more like a case of you’ve let your mother be an arsehole to your partner for years and now that she is vulnerable and has just given birth, she’s not willing to tolerate that treatment until she is feeling recovered. If she knows that she can’t count on you to stand up for her because you never have then that is reasonable. She probably also doesn’t trust your mother and with the surge of post-birth hormones isn’t eager to hand her newborn over to her.

Going forward I would try to compromise on the month. Would she be willing to give it another week or so instead? Can you make sure that the first visit isn’t overwhelming for her and won’t last too long? And then long term you need to put some boundaries in place with your mother and stand up for your partner when your mother violates them. The way to rebuild this relationship is by repairing your partner’s trust in you that you have her back.

At 8 days old you absolutely do not get to do this. The baby needs to be with its mum, so in 99% of circumstances, short of being abusive or causing physical harm, its mum gets to decide where it is and isn't going.

Is baby breastfed?

Sorry, mum and baby take priority.

It sure is relevant. The other family members and friends might be vaccinated and hopefully are. If MIL isn't, that would make a difference.

I worked PICU. The # of readmits of newborns from home because of visitors and their bugs is higher than you might think, especially in winter. And I'm talking babies on vents.

if the mother's behaviour has been really awful, it won't be any better in a month's time will it? So the waiting seems very arbitrary

It depends on what the issues are. ‘Tactless’ can be a very euphemistic way to describe a range of horrible behaviour I wouldn’t want to expose my children to. My MIL didn’t meet my youngest until he was 2 due to genuine safeguarding concerns. Even now she only has limited supervised contact with them, as advised by a police safeguarding officer.

If she is not a risk to your baby, I think there is grounds for you meeting up with your mum for a walk or a coffee assuming baby isn’t breastfeeding or will take a bottle. It’s a very fragile time for your partner and I would respect her wishes to not be paraded around to people who make her uncomfortable. It may take a few weeks to establish a feeding schedule that will allow you to take baby out and leave her home to have a nap and a bath.

Father, second mother. Same difference.

Or they are a same sex couple using donated sperm.

Also, neither oarent has "rights". The baby has the rights, the parents have responsibilities.

Yshe has not got on well with my mother. My mum can be a bit tactless, but she has a good heart

What do you mean by this? What has your mother said/done to your partner?

The same question that applies is all the other visitors the partner had with close family, extended family and friends. This isn’t the concerns or no one would have been allowed to visit.

For a short visit with their other parents mother, I don’t think that’s true unless there are very serious transgressions on MIL side.

I’ve had several children and I have not, for a single second, thought that I get to decide everything when it comes to our shared children. Even as newborns. we are both their parents, mine are not the only wishes that count. I would not want my DH to be upset or attempt to alienate him from his family, unless there was an extremely good reason. My concern is that I think this is quite possibly an attempt to cause upset to MIL and perhaps an attempt to drive a wedge between her partner and their family. It also exerts control and dominance over her MIL and her partner.

It’s not as though OP’s partner is wanting no visitors at all- she has had all of her close family and a friend visit. Unless there is a very good reason- extreme behaviour/dangerous behaviour or safety concerns- she should also be considering her partners wishes too. There may have to be firm boundaries, if that is a necessity due to OP’s mum previous behaviour (I can’t say from OP’s post whether that is necessary), and if that is the case, an agreement that OP will enforce what is agreed (and recognition that if agreement is not stuck to there will be few visits in the near future). But no, I don’t actually think the mother gets 100% of the decisions regarding a joint child. And if she actually cared about her partner, she would take their wishes into account too. As I said, perhaps with conditions and boundaries in place if MIL’s past behaviour makes that wise/make her feel more at ease, but there is a compromise to be had here.

Because someone in the early days of recovery post birth should be able to be selective about how many visitors and for how long, given they will be sore, bleeding, lactating, hormonally frazzled, overwhelmed etc.

However as the OPs partner has had other visitors, I think we can assume she is at least open to some visits form some people.

I'd say generally speaking the parent who is recovering from labour pretty much gets the full say on visitors for the first couple of weeks, baring any blatant rudeness/favouritism.

An excellent answer imo

I disagree, I’ve got one DC and another on the way and I wouldn’t / won’t feel it cruel to be away from the baby for half hour or so. I remember having a nice long bath on more than one occasion whilst new born baby was with DH, she shows no long lasting trauma from it.

Partner. No one has mentioned wife or the sex

The problem with the post is the arbitrary time of one month. If the partner had said when she was feeling more comfortable, or when she got the hang of feeding, or when she felt recovered enough etc that would be fair enough.

Unfortunately the specific time puts up a red flag for me. Also, she is clearly comfortable enough for not only her family but also friends to visit. So it’s not about visitors and is about your mum. Whether she likes it or not her MIL is family ad your mother and has to respect that. She may not respect your mother but needs to respect your relationship.

I think it’s pretty disrespectful to wilfully exclude your mother OP as you haven’t said you are bombarding your partner with visit requests.

The baby is your baby too and while yes she gave birth it can’t be whatever she says is the only thing that goes.

I think you should say your mum is coming over for a short visit and reassure her if your mum says anything you will step in but she needs to respect your wish for your mum to visit.

Infections and vaccines are irrelevant, the baby has been introduced to a number of other family members

Well she could not have got pregnant and had a baby in the first place without the contribution from the OP so that's rubbish. The father has equal rights