DS spends all his time with GF and she doesn’t speak to us

Well seeing as the majority on here don't believe in it you can see why this could be hard for.her

Thank you so much. I really didn't want to derail, it just breaks me that the responses to this girl.are all so judgemental and nasty. I can't diagnose her obviously but there is a very good chance it could be SM and i hate to think how she would feel about some of these responses. Life must be hard enough for her. I know first hand how dreadful it is for the sufferer and how the wrong approach can put people back miles.
But I also know the impact on those around but understanding really makes a difference.
She is pretty lucky it is your house she is going to, I can see you are trying to navigate it all and get the right balance for everyone. Good luck.

Given her age, if she had been diagnosed with selective mutism, would she not tell her boyfriend that, by way of explanation as she doesn't speak to his family?

Then she needs to stop going round.

Yes anyone with health difficulties should be shut away from.society so they don't make anyone else uncomfortable. Maybe we should re-open the dickensonian institutions?
Maybe just Maybe even going there is a big step for her and she is hoping things will get easier.

For her own good Eagle. Maybe she should stop going round for her own good. Does she sound to you like she’s enjoying herself? Perhaps the boyfriend should be more understanding and see her at her own house where she’s more comfortable.

Op is she stopping him from seeing his friends or have they happily absorbed her into the gang? Is it a mix of sex and he feels sorry for her that is keeping him with her?

It's difficult for me, as mother of a shy dd, to know what might help her but this thread is enlightening. My dd is appropriately loud at home, and chatty and polite school. I recall that dd was initially very shy and apparently rude with a lovely neighbour of ours. This kind lady always spoke to her as though everything was normal, without putting her 'on the spot', and they now have a great relationship. Dd pops round to help her and they chat!
@DinnerOfKings I think your kind approach is probably right for gf and also for supporting your ds, who obviously thinks she's ok. It might take a while, though!

Yes anyone with health difficulties should be shut away from.society so they don't make anyone else uncomfortable. Maybe we should re-open the dickensonian institutions?
Maybe just Maybe even going there is a big step for her and she is hoping things will get easier.

OP this might help you actually.

One of the factors used to distinguish between "shy" and "SM" is the response in the communication partner.

Shy people can give enough that they tend to arouse protective feelings. They can often do and only do "basic politeness". They warm up over a short period with kind handling - often a single session. People don't feel hostile towards them, though they may feel frustrated with them.

People with SM - out of all the things they find hard to communicate, most of all they can't do basic politeness (because of the shame history with those words, so the expectation to use them causes a huge shutdown response). They can't initiate. They often can't do appropriate facial expression and may look mask-like. The communication partner feels rejected and children with SM, at least, often trigger feelings of hostility in adults, because they appear so lacking in courtesy and manners.

It's a desperately sad condition, SO misunderstood.

When in someone else’s home, you actually do owe them at least a “hello’ in entering their home and a goodbye when you leave, if they see you at the time you come in or leave. Anything else is, frankly, rude. You don’t have to have a long chat or anything, but a brief hello or even a wave is not too much to ask.

Will I stop sticking up for a child who has been described as having a high chance of having a recognised disorder that she can't help, from terrible advice on how to.approach it, that the professionals clearly advise against as it would be extremely damaging to her? No.

Then she needs to stop going round.

Is there a rule about advising OP's to furtherdamage children who already likely battling demons of their own by telling them off about a condition they can't help? There should be.

Will I stop sticking up for a child who has been described as having a high chance of having a recognised disorder that she can't help, from terrible advice on how to.approach it, that the professionals clearly advise against as it would be extremely damaging to her? No.

Op is it possible your son has felt pressured to keep having her round?

It’s not realistic to continually visit a home and to expect to have no interactions at all with the people in that home, no matter what’s causing it. She’s not comfortable. Why can’t they see each other at her house?

Op has anyone pointed you to a series of threads on here by a poster called workworkwork? Her son had a girlfriend who systematically alienated him from the family. Not saying this is for sure what is happening here but could do with reading to be prepared in case.
One of the big take aways was not doing anything at all to appear as the bad guys. Not criticising her and being lovely to her. Not because you like her or want it all to continue but so that if she says horrible things about you, he will know there's no basis for it.

and other posters children should be off limits - you should not need to be told this - toe the line !

Everyone seems to have a so called neurodiversity or invisible condition these days to excuse their basic lack of manners.

Obviously there are genuinely people out there who have diagnosed conditions but autism and ADHD are a bit like trans now, everyone is self diagnosing based on the peer group they associate with on the internet.

At the end of the day she is rude. And while I don’t think that they need to spend time with the family playing board games and so on, I do think that joining the family for meals and basic manners are not too much to expect. I wouldn’t be made to feel unwelcome in my own home.

Would.it help to talk to them all about what this could possibly be? Maybe having more understanding would help.everyone all round? This is not a dig at you, more about some other responses but wouldn't it be nice if we could all make some allowances for those with differences in the same way we would like our kids to be treated by others? I know there are limits to this, everyone has their own needs to consider too, but I wonder if understanding more would help everyone and also with some simple tips from SM websites may help to change things? I hope it all becomes easier for all involved OP.

read this (absurd) sentence back to yourself Ok?

This girls mh is not the ops responsibility. Her responsibility lies with her own self and other children. If this girl is struggling so much it’s best for everyone if she sees her boyfriend somewhere else.

and that is going to help the OP's relationship with her son?

Why wouldn’t it? The girl is uncomfortable and doesn’t want to spend time, or talk with his family. Perhaps the son has pressured her into coming round?

Why not spend time where she is more comfortable?

Sounds plain rude to me. You wouldn’t be allowed to behave like that in my house!

Yea that’s probably why she didn’t want to speak to me. Do you have any ideas as to why she didn’t want to speak to my mum, dad, Nan, auntie and uncle, and husband? Or any friend or acquaintance of my brother? And why she started to become furious and give him the silent treatment when he made contact with anyone or tried to engage socially with any member of his family or friendship group and gradually isolated him and hollowed out his entire life until she was really the only person he was allowed to talk to outside of work? And why she then set about comprehensively dismantling every aspect of his self esteem until he literally thought he was a worthless scumbag whilst working FT, doing all housework and chores and sleeping all night with the baby and doing all baby care whilst he was at home? Was that also because I thought she was rude instead of selectively mute?

and that is going to help the OP's relationship with her son?

@Eaglemom more of a Harpy, or as my son would say, like a terrier with a rat.

say your piece, bow, leave the stage please, as has been pointed out, you are

now derailing OP’s thread.