DS spends all his time with GF and she doesn’t speak to us

I've been through this, last year.

My son finally brought his GF home last Jan. She wouldnt come out of his room, only went to the bathroom when we werent around, i began to worry for her!!

Wouldnt talk to us etc, but only because she was so so shy. We left it a few months before i got a little (ALOT) frustrated and then we took them out for dinner and i went to town, nicely with the questions etc.

And since then, we've taken her on hols. bday dinners and then last week, when my DS was at work she came into the living room and sat and chatted with me!! which was lovely.

It takes a long long time and alot of effort as a MIL.

you have personalised this thread to such an extent that you are in a void
this is the OP’s party not yours, go start your own thread, party pooper

Sorry but that's one of the best things I've ever been called 🤣

I dont know 100%. But from the description, I would bet my life on it. Same way if someone posted on here saying their forearm was folded in half, I'd take an educated guess that it was broken.
Alot of the advice on here amd attitudes towards her would be horribly damaging for a person with selective mutism. Why take that risk when she is showing all the classic signs?

whilst being uncomfortable and unhappy with the situation in your own home

Is she shy or just rude or controlling - its the anger that she omits would be an issue for me. I don't know how I'd deal with it but I'd just carry on saying hello -

It is a hell of a lot to ask from somebody with selective mutism. They physically cannot speak in certain situations.

this wasn’t about the OP as you will well know - I was stepping in for @oakleaffy

OP is calm and her replies are considered

you are the poster with your own demons battled and projecting like mad on here,
you are a real rebel rouser today.

@Eaglemom

how do you know this girl has selective mutism?

Google selective mutism and the does and don't. There is your answer.
You don't draw attention to it in any way. It sets people back massively. Exposure over time, being patient and little by little is the way.

Why are you comparing your shyness to probable selective mutism? Glad you could speak when shy, that's lovely, but that has nothing to.do.with the thread. selective mutism is not shyness. It's not that they won't speak, they physically CAN'T.

@Eaglemom

why?

OP you say that your son spends 'every night' with this girl and that she 'sleeps under your roof'...don't you think this is a bit much, given that she is 16.5? What do her own parents think about that?

If you have a problem with her, he'll just see her somewhere else. You won't see her more or him less.

I disagree that he's at an age to carve out time to spend with you. In ten years, perhaps.

I would hate this situation but I would prefer it to be happening where I could see it and know if that intensity was damaging my son. You don't know that look you're referencing is fury. It could be desperation, waiting for him to move things forward so she isn't on the spot.

I'm sure you've done this but what did ds say when you casually asked about why she doesn't talk? Are there other people she doesn't talk to? Does he feel able to raise it with her?

Whoever suggested you should insist they turn up to meals is crazy. You're not going to get anywhere by insisting. But if he is not able to occasionally say "I promised Dad I'd go fishing" ahead of time, or "I told Mum I'd go with her to see Nan" to her without friction, I'd be concerned that the relationship isn't healthy. There's still not much you can do, other then to let him know that he should be able to keep other interests in his life as well. He should definitely be encouraging her to keep other interests.

I wouldn't want.someone who ignores me in my own house. I'd probably tell my son that I'm not comfortable having her in my home anymore, unless she's more friendly. I was a very shy person at that age, but I still spoke back to my boyfriends parents and had manners.

good post - this is exactly how I felt in my situation described upstream -
my husband was not there at the time and I wondered how she would behave
had he been
I was in no doubt that had she continued throwing herself about DH would
have told her to leave and discourage son from leaving the house with
her even for 20 minutes.

I heard, ‘you are so lucky, your children are so polite and well mannered’
luck?

this is 17 years and counting hard work at times gone into producing these fine
young people’

I’m not prepared to see this undermined and challenged by a badly brought up
stroppy, rude girlfriend. In my house. In my family’s home and haven.

Should my son have conducted a friendship with this young woman outside the
home, Ive no doubt his friends and contemporaries would soon alert him to odd, aberrant behaviour, freely offered comment and advice, speeded the plow.

You know all this OP, it is why you posted on here, for comment and hopefully validation.

I’d have hated having to chat or hang out with a boyfriend’s parents at that age.

just leave her alone

I was thinking exactly this. As the parent of autistic teens, I find that they are mainly drawn to other ND young people in terms of friendships.

This varies from friends who are incredibly overfamiliar and have no awareness of social boundaries (in Avery innocent way) to those who can't bring themselves to speak or make eye contact.

I'd say there is a good chance of the OP's ND having a girlfriend who is also ND.

Yes, it is common in autism though not all with SM are autistic. There's little research because obviously it's a hard population to study ethically, but current estimated and reported figures is that around 60-70 percent of those with SM are autistic.

She sounds like she's having a lovely time with the boyfriend once on his room. Exposure to uncomfortable situations gently is a recommended approach. Brave of her to keep trying. That small amount of time with the family each time could be working wonders

A huge issue is that SM is massively under diagnosed and very poorly understood, as can be clearly seen in this thread!

Diagnosis is hard to come by. SM treatment sits between speech and language therapy (as a communication issue) and psychology (as an anxiety disorder) and in many areas neither group is commissioned to treat SM. SM is not covered in basic training either. However the national charity is trying very hard to improve things. But as things stand - it really would not be at all surprising for someone never to have heard of SM let alone have a formal diagnosis.

Check that she really is over sixteen if you can OP.

Also make sure DS is using condoms.

And just because she might not have been diagnosed doesn't mean she doesn't have it. Lots of people don't get diagnosed and have to struggle through. She might not even have heard of it