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Original poster

DS spends all his time with GF and she doesn’t speak to us

235 replies

DinnerOfKings · 11/01/2025 14:39

Hoping for some advice …… DS-17 has adhd and struggled a great deal at school. Always had mates and always out and about. But he really struggled with school and was suspended many times. We supported him throughout and actually developed a very strong relationship ( me and DH who is his dad). We have always been a close family and very present in their lives ( sports day, lifts, sleepovers, watching films together, lovely holidays).

DS now at college ( think BTEC physical work - don’t want to be too outing) and made new mates and much happier in the college environment. During half term he went to a party and met a girl. He’s had a few GF before, but nothing serious. He instantly felt a connection with this girl and started spending all his time with her.

Now I know this is all normal etc but the issue is that she is apparently very shy. She literally won’t say 2 words to any of us…. I’ve tried talking to her, leaving her be, offering her food etc, talking to my son and not asking ger anything. But she just stands there looking angry …. she literally just says “good” or “no” or “yes”. No hello how you - no - thank you for having me.

DH and I have always got on with all our kids friends and have always had an open house policy. Quite often they have had big gatherings, multiple friends round and we’ve always talked and got on with every single one of them. DS now spends every night with this girl. He only sees his mates really with her and she barely talks to them. When she’s in son’s room, just the two of them she’s laughing and joking and then……. Nothing.

Im trying so hard not to react as I know she’s 16.5 and evidently shy. But - and I can’t really describe it - it creates a weird atmosphere in the house. It’s like a total stranger who barely acknowledges my existence is sleeping under my roof. I’ve talked to my son and explained that he could convey to her how important his family is, and try to encourage her to make more effort…. She is an apprentice so presumably has to talk in the workplace.

I’ve explained to DS that it’s quite limiting as she can’t / won’t join us for meals, going to the pub etc and the consequence is we hardly see him as he wants to be with her.

I think it’s hard for me as I feel like we were so close and now he’s with someone who just isn’t interested. For reference she doesn’t look meek when she’s in our company she just looks very cross at him …… one side of me thinks - it will all come out in the wash, she is very shy, and this is his way of detaching as all teens are meant to and either she will get better or they will split up. Other side of me thinks she might be trying to isolate him from friends and family.

Pls be kind but advice or experience gratefully received ….. I know there isn’t physically anything I can actually do but it’s really unpleasant either never seeing him or him always being with her and this weird atmosphere

OP posts:
WhydontyouMove · 11/01/2025 15:19

but realistically it’s very limiting if he’s always going to have to choose between her and his mates: his siblings : us ……

He doesn’t have to choose. There shouldn’t be a problem with him choosing to spend his weekends with her. It’s natural and normal for him to want to do that. What isn’t normal is him thinking other family members have to feel uncomfortable in the home and play happy families for his sake. She obviously doesn’t like being around you and neither do you.

The sensible solution is he sees her separately and spends time at her house. In the meantime don’t pressure him to do things with you.

Original poster
DinnerOfKings · 11/01/2025 15:16

@TeenageRooster thank you just that’s so far from where she meets us. She won’t even say hello how are you - let alone sit down in our vicinity…… i would be happy atm with a courteous greeting and a thank you when leaving !

OP posts:
TeenageRooster · 11/01/2025 15:14

Are there a few pinch points you could focus on? Eg with meals, does she not want to come down and join you for the meal so she stays upstairs, or do neither of them come and eat if she's there? Perhaps try an expectation that however many times a week, they both come to the table to eat but you won't ask her questions so she won't feel under pressure? Or that DS comes and eats even if they doesn't / goes home? I don't know how much of this you've talked about or if it just evolves in the moment.

Original poster
DinnerOfKings · 11/01/2025 15:13

@Rosesgrowonyou yes that’s also something I think too…… but I think that at 17.5 yrs old he needs to take responsibility for carving out time for us as a family. I honestly have no frame of reference as my own childhood and DH were the exact opposite of what we’ve tried to create for our kids. In theory he would put us first occasionally, in theory she would try to make an effort. I am trying to establish a fair boundary where I feel ignored and weird in my own home as well

OP posts:
wwyd2021medicine · 11/01/2025 15:12

DD has a female friend like this. She's 25.
Normally her friends chat, join in general convo etc but this one doesn't. It v odd.
She has had a very fractured relationship with her parents, they were separated, one died and despite her mother being alive, she lives with an aunt.
DD thinks she just doesn't understand an easy, chatty relationship with mother figures/family at all and finds it very difficult.
She's not impolite but wary and doesn't join in at all

I wonder if it could be something similar?

Rosesgrowonyou · 11/01/2025 15:08

If you limit her visits, you will see even less of him. Plus he's growing up and naturally pulling away from you.

Original poster
DinnerOfKings · 11/01/2025 15:07

@GreyBlackBay i get that side of it too. My other DS is Asc….. GF DSIS is ASC and my son is suspected too, so I know a fair bit about presentations. If you don’t mind me asking would anything have helped you relax, feel more comfortable ?

she does make him happy, but realistically it’s very limiting if he’s always going to have to choose between her and his mates: his siblings : us ……

OP posts:
GreyBlackBay · 11/01/2025 15:03

Oh dear. I think this was me as a teen. I was shy, introverted, had no experience of conversation with adults and my parents didn't socialise so no one to role model. Also undiagnosed ASD and terminally resting bitch-face.

If she's nice to your son and makes him happy I'd have a lot of tolerance for shyness and a lack of social intelligence.

Original poster
DinnerOfKings · 11/01/2025 15:02

@WhydontyouMove yes…… I’m starting to think there is a wider issue here. I had a very hard childhood and so did DH , so we’ve always put our kids first. But maybe we’ve just encouraged him to think what he wants matters more….. I have told him that being grown up means having hard conversations and that if he wants it to change he needs to change the way he spends time with her. Ie - if he said he’s spending weekend with us but she doesn’t feel comfortable, so no point in coming, I think it would encourage her to try harder. I don’t want him to feel like he’s unwelcome in his own home

OP posts:
WhydontyouMove · 11/01/2025 14:59

I’d match her energy at this point and stop any invites or attempts to chat.

I would not be made to feel uncomfortable in my own home by a teenage girl so I would limit how often she’s visiting. I think the problem really is with your ds. Why does he think it’s ok to bring someone into your home who acts like this? Have you asked him?

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