DS, DSS and the dog

Very tricky but at the end of the day ds has paid more attention to ddog and has been rewarded accordingly

very unfair for DS to have his relationship with the dog jeopardised, IMO

is it best to try and agree that ddog now belongs to the new family and there should be joint responsibility going forward? (Accept that puts OP in an awkward position)

That poor bloody dog: it needs consistency, both in play and walks.

DSS needs to put the work in if he wants the dog to like him 🤷🏻‍♀️

IMO having a family pet is akin to having a long-term small child in the family, as in the needs of the pet come first (once the kids are old enough to understand that, obviously).

The kids are 13, not 3. DSS is just being a bit of a salty shit because he's seeing 'his' dog being attached to someone else.

He needs to grow up and realise that pets do get attached to the whole family, especially when treated well.

I wouldn't be telling DS to back off the dog for a second time. DSS has shown repeatedly that he quickly tires of the dog and can't be arsed with walks etc so it's time to learn that his actions have consequences.

Your DS shouldn't be punished for stepping up and doing the right thing.

It's also not fair on the dog to have humans keep blowing hot and cold like that.

The fact DSS chooses to spend the entire 6 weeks there shows this is so much more than a dog. He clearly wants to stay at yours. Can this be looked in to more?

nope.not fair on the dog.

We've had a similar situation with one of our dogs being incredibly attached to one of our girls who was away at uni and now lives away permanently. I do probably 90% of feeding, vet trips, walks etc but it's my DP who gets first cuddles each day and DDog wants her to have her lead. All this goes out of the window when DDaughter comes home. Her girl is home and the house may as well be empty otherwise.
I realise this is the opposite of what's happening in your home,@RemyT , but if your DSS hasn't developed a relationship with the dog earlier in its life, it's not suddenly going to happen now as if by magic. It would help if your DSS fed and walked the dog when he's there, but I think it's unfair of your DP to tell your son to stay away from the dog. Unfair for the dog too, as they won't understand why their human is suddenly ignoring them and wonder what they've done wrong.

I think that dogs should not be treated like toys. Its not fair to change their routine or insist that one child ignores them or "backs off" because another child wants it. Its a hard lesson for a child to learn especially with backstory but that's not the dog's fault. It sounds like DSS has never taken on the responsibilies of owning a dog because dad did it all and then was glad of the break and then when offered a second chance, he didn't keep up the dog's routine either. Because Iworked part time I did most of the care, training and so on for our dogs and mostly they loved both of us equally, but one girl thought my late DH was the bee's knees. Nothing to be done but accept it.

The dog has made the decision. DSS is there often enough that the dog should still view him as his, but the dog has CHOSEN your DS. It's hurtful for your DSS, but it is what it is.

My eldest DS has been moved out for two years, 'his' dog still lives with us. Middle DS does the feeding etc but when eldest visits (usually weekly) it's very clear she's STILL his dog, she loses her absolute shit when he comes in. Middle DS & her have definitely a closer bond than before but that dog is eldests & that will never change.

I feel sad for DSS but your DH is being stupid.

Agree - it's also an important reminder that what you get back is heavily impacted by how much you put in.

If he's not making any effort with the dog when he does see her, then it's no surprise that she prefers to spend time with someone who does give her time and attention.

I can imagine my parents response to that kind of argument. "Complain once more and I he dog will be rehomed to a family where nobody fights about him."

It's an important lesson especially if they want a partner in life

It's quite unfair for your DS to be told to "back off" from the dog when DSS is around. I think it's just one of those things that DSS is going to have to get over tbh.

If that's the game dss wants to play then give it 3 months and if the dog is not adequately walked during that time rehome the dog

That may be true, but you can't treat an animal poorly to save the feelings of a person.

ANd that's essentially what's being asked here.

DSS needs this explained firmly to him.

DSS is only interested in the dog when he thinks the dog likes DS more.

Dog likes DS more for very good reason.

Dog's well being has to come first here.

I'd tell DSS they have no one to blame but themselves for the situation and that DS will carry on looking after and playing with the dog as they have been doing.

Unfortunately the dog will pick its owner . We have 3DDogs I do everything for them . DDog 1 prefers the company of DD , DDog 2 prefers to be with me , DDog 3 prefers DD boyfriend.
Your DSS could do everything for the dog and it would still prefer your DS.

A dog is incapable of lying. Therefore what the dog is 'saying' is the truth and that's what DSS needs to take on board.

I feel for both boys too. It’s a really tricky and delicate situation. This isn’t purely a natural consequences situation where a family pet favours the DC who puts in the work. The fact that your DSS is only there part time is going to be a significant factor. The reality is that even if your DSS does all the dog care when he is there and your DS does none, the dog might still have a stronger bond with your DS just because he is there more often or just because… it could be a random reason why he prefers your DS eg he fidgets less.

This isn’t a good opportunity to teach your DSS that he needs to take responsibility for his pet or the natural consequences are that the pet will prefer other people. There are too many other factors at play here that are out of his control (he only has his pet part time) and have complicated feelings associated with them, his step brother gets to spend more time with his dad and dog, and the dog loves him more…

What might help the dog form a stronger bond with your DSS and even things out is if he always feeds the dog when he is there and your DS doesn’t feed the dog but still takes him for walks. The hand that feeds them is often the favourite! Your DS will still get lots of dog love when your DSS isn’t there but it might tip the balance in DSS’s favour when he is there so they both get lots of attention from the dog.

If your DSS did the walks and so on when he was at the house, the dog would gravitate less obviously to your son. It really is that simple. He has “lost” the dog because he is lazy, it is no deeper than that.

Why can't the dog go with your DSS when he goes back to his mums? If it really was his dog, it would be with him all the time, otherwise it's DPs dog and DSS has been put in a very difficult situation.

The most important thing is that the dog is happy and cared for. Your DSS is being possessive and selfish.