DS, DSS and the dog

DSS sounds like a spoilt little brat.

I had stepbrother like this growing up and we haven't spoken for 20 years. It's all about jealousy and your dp is being a drip.

Get rid of both imo, it won't end well.

But I mean does the dad spend more time with DS than DSS ?

if you think about it
he is there every non school day - every weekend and every holiday.
so the only time in theory he is with his mum is when both DSS and DS are school plus 2 evenings out of 5 of the evenings he is at school actually by awaking hours he seems to spend more time with his dad than he does his mum.
the additionally the DS goes to his dads every other weekend and half the holidays which then also means 50 percent of that time is 1-1.

I'm not the only one who thinks this, but yeah, putting my amateur child psychologist hat on, I wonder if this is your stepson projecting his own insecurities. The dog prefers your son because he spends more time with him. And his father spends more time with your son than he does with him too. So maybe it's subconsciously about that rather than it being about the dog, because he doesn't actually do anything to improve his relationship with the dog. The dog transferring his "love" to your son is just a reminder.

I would suggest your DP try to spend more time with his son one-on-one rather than all of you together as a family. He needs to know he is loved by his father as his son, not just as part of a blended family in which he is the part-time member.

I would ask dp to tell dss that he has to take total responsibility for the dog when he is staying at yours
your ds can take the dog out Monday- Friday if he wants to
but if dss won’t accept responsibility for the dog while at yours then tell dss to take the dog home and get your ds his own dog

DSS needs to grow up and realise the dog is a living breathing creature who needs to be walked. If he won't meet those needs for the dog, then he is neglectful and he should be more than grateful that someone else has offered to step up to the responsibility for the sake of the dogs health.

He also needs to know walking keeps their nails trim, improves their cardiovascular health and mitigates a lot of nasty health conditions in old age.

I suspect DSS is upset as he knows this and seeing others take up that responsibility reminds him of his neglect of duty more than jealousy that the dog prefers DS but is too proud to admit it.

This whole my dog, your dog, his dog. You explain we now all live together it is a family pet. Put emphasis on u also walk and feed the dog too and its a shared responsibility and under no circumstances will ur ds be told he cannot walk or feed the dog or else the dog cannot be in ur home! Simple as that. Despite sounds very petty surely the main thing is the dog is loved has a good home and multiple ppl who care for it. I sense this may run deeper than the dog is he jealous his dad is now maybe even spending more time with your ds now u all live together and he feels like an outsider? Ik u said you have all known each other since they where 5 but im telling you in my experience things change when you live together and the jealousy kicks in unfortunately

I think DSS needs to prioritise the dog. Our dog is attached to me because I walk, feed etc. Has a good relation with DS but the more you do the more attached the become. I think stopping DS is silly given you are in one house. He could back off if DSS steps up when he is there

And obviously, your DSS is (understandably) jealous that your son is now living with your DP. It’s sharing his Dad that’ll be bothering him but it’s less embarrassing for a teenager to kick off about the dog.

A 13 year old shouldn’t have a dog that’s ‘their’ dog. Owning a dog is a lot of commitment and responsibility, usually for 10+ years, and that responsibility lies with the adult who brought the dog into the home.

It’s your DP’s responsibility to walk, feed and play with the dog he bought. I’d be proud of my DS for helping to look after the dog. I’d be pissed with your DP. He’s allowing your DSS to treat an animal like a bloody games console that shouldn’t be played with while he’s at his mother’s house because it’s his toy. He’s created this situation by telling his son that a family pet is ‘his’ dog and then telling your DS to back off when his son becomes jealous.

DSS didn't walk or feed the dog. He cannot be surprised the dog favours the person who does this. It's unfortunate that DSS can't live with his dog full-time. Explain that the dog will favour him more if he takes care of her when he is there but he can't blame DS or the dog if they've formed a bond.

MN really hates blended families doesn't it.

The op said they've been together since the children were 5 and that they all get along. If it's an otherwise happy relationship, why would you throw it away over some stroppy, childish behaviour from a kid who can't be arsed to look after his own dog? Surely the sensible suggestion would be to educate the child.

I hate the instant suggestion that any sort of issue within a blended family means they should just split up. And I'm not talking about new boyfriends of 2 months moving in and bringing their 5 kids with them and expecting everyone to just immediately get along. I'm talking about people who have been together years who are as much a valid and loving family as your archetypal 'proper' family.

Except he (DSS) never has......his dad used to do it and was glad when DS took over. Then he, DS was asked to pull back and did so and DSS STILL didn't step up.

No dss should be told that it’s now the family dog and he is welcome to play with the dog when he is at yours.

Scrap DSS and keep the dog. DP and DSS are being unreasonable about DS and the dog. DSS needs to learn that there are consequences to not pulling your weight with animal chores.

Get your son his own dear dog!

Then who will be looking after the first dog?

Get your son his own dear dog!

DSS should pay DS to walk his dog

Bit of a no win situation. On the one hand DSS can’t be with the dog full time out of no fault of his own, but also doesn’t seem to put the effort in when is in the same house as the dog. The dog will gravitate to the person who gives the most day to day care. It seems unfair on both boys either way. Unfair to ask your son to step back and DSS isn’t really in a position whether he wants to or not - to be the one to give the day to day care. I think you have to have a big conversation with DSS to make him feel better about the inevitability of the situation or get rid of the dog. Or possibly get a dog for your DS but that probably won’t solve the problem.

its not "dogs" its "dog" and another chance to be ignored is not fair on the dog also its not fair on the DS to stop him doing something he enjoys to "see" if the DSS will step up.

You keep on with your ds looking after the dog.
if DSS isn’t capable of the responsibility then sorry, this is living , breathing, animal, he hands over the reigns to your DS, and if he refuses, you and your DP do it for him.

Absolutely yes!!

DP needs to tell his Ds that he needs to take responsibility for his dog and that dogs bond with the people who look after them! So the way forward is that he spends time with his dog!

DS has done nothing wrong, in fact he’s show compassion and responsibility in caring for the dog. Whereas DSS has done the opposite and not maintained his responsibilities.

I think it would be kind to explain this, without blame, to DSS and give him another chance. It sounds as if one or other is always with you and sometimes both at once. I would explain the responsibilities for the dogs and agree what needs to be done - especially when they are both at home. I would also be very clear that anyone in the household can care for the dog, but DSS cannot stop others caring for or loving the dog. I would also make it very clear to DSS that he shares responsibility for the dog and the caring role is an necessity not an option.

Exactly.

(Fab name btw)

@RemyT surely the only reasonable question for the adults to answer is what is in the best interests of the dog in the context of it’s current living situation. This should not be dictated or influenced by a child’s temper tantrum.