DS, DSS and the dog

Fucksake. Step parenting bingo right there.

.DSS didn’t choose for his parents to split or to lose living with his dog fulltime.

Has he ever lived with the dog full time?

Did I say to do that? No I said discover what was going on with DSS and then come up with workable suggestions.
There's no dog that needs to exclusively walked by one person and I'm sure the dog would be happy to be walked by DP and DSS from time to time.

DSS should also understand that dogs are sentient creatures. They have their own minds and will give their affection where it is deserved.

This is his lesson to learn.

I kind of feel for DSS because it’s like his dog has been taken from him and given to his step brother. DSS didn’t choose for his parents to split or to lose living with his dog fulltime.

DSS needs to accept that a DDog will be most affectionate to whoever they are most used to. DS lives with DDog full time and so DS takes care of him most of the time, so DDog is rewarding that.

If DSS is jealous, then-

• Can DDog go back and forth with DSS between homes so he has DDog full time?
• DSS realises it’s not personal- Dogs gravitate towards whoever they live with full time and DDog is still DSS’ dog and still likes him.
• DSS needs to understand that the DDog closeness and affection is a reward for how much effort and care DDog gets from any person.
• The fact DDog likes DS, means that his dog is being loved and cared for when DSS isn’t there.

I disagree, if a married couple have a dog the responsibilities for it are shared with no adverse effects

I'm not suggesting the last arrangement worked but that denying OPs DS and the dog eachothers companionship isn't fair on either. And while I understand DSS wants to be dogs person that has to be earned. And dogs form packs so there's no reason dog can't enjoy both boys if DSS accepts he needs to take more responsibility and and be grateful when his stepbrother helps

and that wouldn't be fair on the dog either.

you can't just make changes to the dog's life to please a child.

FFS this is not true. As I have said a couple of times, we have had dogs who favoured my DH even though I did most of the care because I worked part time.

that kind of "sharing" is not fair on the dog, also its been tried already.

that's not always the case, we have had dogs who adored my DH but I did all the day to day care because I had a part time job. Its absolutely not fair on the dog (or the DS) to make different rules because someone else is there.

DSS needs to learn pets aren't toys. The dog needs walking, so someone has to do it. It isn't fair on DS to be treated like a lacky with dog chores and punished that the dog has bonded with him.

The dog also as a living creature is entitled to his preference.

I think this is a good time to sit down both boys and explain responsibilities, earning affection from an animal and agreeing who's responsible when.

DSS can't demand DS can't care for the dog if he isn't prepared to do it.

I agree with posters who point out that dynamics and feelings really change when adults move in together.
It’s actually your son I am concerned for OP. Both you and his father are only considering DSS’s demands and feelings. It’s awful you both seem to agree your son must play second best to DSS and acquiesce to his whims.
Have you ever considered what to do about your son wanting HIS own pet if DSS does not want to share? Maybe your son’s not so keen on sharing a house with a man telling him to back off (in his own home) when the DSB dictates, as you airily assume.
You need to have your own son’s wants and needs foremost in your mind because it’s clear this is how your DH is approaching things. Just because DS quietly gets on it does not follow he is as happy as you are assuming.
I do feel for DSS & I think he probably is finding it hard but that should not allow him to be prioritised. The dog has raised an issue but you and your partner need to think about how both boys can be accommodated fairly.

You should watch Downton Abbey and hear what Lord Posh has to say about alienating the affection of another chap's dog. Regardless, it's a dog and will respond to whoever is paying it the most attention. Easily solved.

He still lives with his mum and the other boy's father though. Which is the whole point. It is not about the number of hours spent where. It's about where home is. The stepson's father lives with the OP and her son.

But he doesn’t 🤣 he also goes his dad’s house.
so doesn’t get to do that really anymore than the DSS.

OP for it’s worth I have children who are all mine and they still argue over C like this 🤣

DP needs to have a conversation with DSS. DSS had a meltdown and said some stuff whilst angry/upset. No one should run off and make changes as a result of some things said in that context.

DP sits down with DSS and has a "hey son, you were pretty upset the other day about Rex the dog. What's going on with you" type conversation. This may be about the dog, this may be about something else. But he needs to first of all get to the bottom of it with DSS, I'd imagine some gentle reminding of last time where DSS got bored of walking and some gentle prompting about the fact that the dog can't be controlled to like or dislike people may actually help DSS see sense. And as a PP said, what would DSS like to have happen? DSS walk the dog with DP and get 121 time? Or classes or what is it that would make DSS happier

He doesn't live there. Read the OP's posts.

"He has DSS13 who stays"
"DSS hasn't expressed a wish to move in"

He has a room at the OP's house, but he doesn't live there any more than he lives at school just because he spends 210 days a year there. Counting waking hours doesn't change the fact that it is the OP's son who his father sees first thing in the morning and last thing at night. Not him.

This. The dog is a proxy. You’re going to need to get to the heart of the matter. Maybe dp and dss should do some weekend dog walks together

If the dog is truly DSS’s, then dog goes where DSS goes and DSS needs to take total responsibility of it whichever house it’s in. Then you can decide whether to get a dog for DS. Otherwise, it’s a family dog living with you and all get to take care of it. However DSS needs to understand that even if you all decide on the former option, a dog can attach itself to whoever it wishes.

I assume you’ve had the chat now, what did you agree on?

No he has his own room and spends a considerable amount of time “ living “ with them both boys live with them and both boys also live part time with other parents.

averagely he spends 187 nights and 104 evenings with his own room out of 365 days.
50 percent of that time he is the only child in the house.
he has 2 homes it’s split pretty equally…

If DSS wants the dog to be happy to see him, he needs to put the effort in.

Big life lesson for him here that love is earned, not forced. It's unhealthy for him to try to force the dog to live a worse life just so it loves him more. It won't work and is immoral.

Not fair to your DS, or the dog!

It's not about waking hours. His father lives with the other boy. He only comes to stay. That is very different.