Who gets the room

So your DH says it's always been DSS's room, but in fact he only had half of it until you took the stud wall down a month ago? So he hasn't always had a big room at all. DSS has only stayed in the new, big room two or three times if he's there EOW.

Why didn't you make the change when you took the wall down? It does seem reasonable for the full-time resident child to have the larger room, but if that would cause too much upset, can your own two boys swap so the older has more space?

I think your first step is to establish whether your stepdaughter is happy to give up any personal space in your home. TBH at that age I’d lost my first bedroom in my Dad’s house, then my subsequent bedroom (due to building work /siblings) and had a sofa bed in my Dad’s study when I stayed. It was fine - by that age I was working a Saturday job anyway, so rarely stayed over.

I think your DS13 does need the bigger bedroom. He’ll be starting GCSEs soon, and needs a place to work. It’s daft to have a room sat empty for 85% of the time while someone there full time is crammed in.

I think you need to put DSS in the box room, but allow him input into choosing decor/furniture- loft beds can be a good option .

16 year olds have their own lives, I don't see it as that unusual at that age she doesn't want the formality of every other weekend and seems happy to manage her time with her dad as she wishes

Any chance that the reason DSD doesn’t sleep over is that she feels awkward about pushing people out of their rooms? If she knew the box room was hers she might be more prepared to stay.

They can't share as DS both have ASD.

Of course your DS should get the bigger room, it must be quite galling being stuffed into the box room when the large room sits empty most of the time.

I see it's 2/14 days. Yeah that's dumb. The big room is sitting unused for 12/14 days whilst DS13 has nowhere for his stuff in his box room.

I think as DSS11 has a big room in his main house you could say it's not working as DS13 has no big room anywhere at all so he has no personal space of any size whereas DSS11 has a big personal space 12/14 days in his main house.

So you all moved into a new home and initially it was
DSD + DSS11 in split big room
DS11 in big room
DS13 in box room

And now DSD does not stay so you want DSS11 who stays EOWend to move to box room and DS13 to take unsplit big room

Is that correct?

Just to clarify is it EOW or EOWend is tat DSS11 stays over

This house is your DCs’ main (and only) home.

This house is DSD’s daytime space to visit her dad, and DSS’s home 4 nights a month. Their main home is elsewhere, with presumably their own bedrooms where they have most of their stuff and enough space.

Why on earth should one child (DSS in this case) get two permanent big rooms to himself one of which is empty 95% of the time, when another child is scrunched up in a single tiny room at all times? That makes no sense.

Children who spend the most time there have the most space.

All our children are 'ours'. When oldest went to Uni, we room shuffled since he previously had the biggest children's room; he now has the smallest as he's only hear on uni breaks.

I have 2 DSs. One large room, one small box room. My DS11 has the box room however he has shelving and drawers in DS13’s bedroom, which he can access any time provided he knocks. I couldn’t change the difference in sizing of rooms but I’ve done what I can to even out the space even just a little. DS11 still has to respect DS13’s privacy and tends to store things there he doesn’t need immediately, so not underwear or school uniform.

Of DSS can’t share or give up the bigger room he should give up storage space in this manner

This is a good solution. Where do you and DH sleep?

Can't you put the stud wall back up so your DS has the other half of the room that DSD used to have?

You and your DH can have the box room with bunk beds then his DS can have your room when he stays.

You then get kicked out of your room for 2 out of 14 days which is hardly the end of the world, and his DS then gets a nice double bed.

Of course your 13yr old should get the big room! Ridiculous that his son has it for 4 days a month.

Would that not just move the problem the 11yo in the box room with not enough space?

Child who lives there 24/7 should get the bigger room. To have a big room sat empty majority of the time and that child has another room at mums is madness. They are old enough to understand the reasons and whilst it might not be ideal, neither is this set up and your son must feel resentful his room is so small and a bigger one mainly sits empty.

Can't he swap with your younger son then?

We had a similar situation- DSSs were sharing the big room and DD had the box room. We realised the big room wasn’t being used at all for 12 out of 14 days, whereas DD was turning 13 and spending more and more time in her room. We had another tiny box room that was used for storage that could just fit a bed.

We approached it by discussing with DSSs first and seeing if they minded moving to the 2 small rooms. We explained it that they each had a ‘main’ bedroom at their mum’s, while for DD this was her only bedroom. Luckily they were on board and actually wanted to be the ones to tell her, which was really sweet as she was over the moon!

OP, I think YANBU but you just need to approach it carefully and talk to DSS about it first. Does he have a decent bedroom at his mum’s? If so you can explain that he already has a main bedroom for all his stuff, so at your place all be really needs is a place to sleep, while for your DS this is his only bedroom?

That alone makes me think your boys should have the bigger rooms
Not nice for either of them, the 11yo will get fed-up of his space not being his own. And the 13yo shouldn't really be hunting around looking for his clothes.

The alternative that would have MN up in arms would be putting the 13yos stuff in the DSS room since that room is empty most of the time.

Is half of the partitioned rolm bigger than the box room? If so, I'd partition again, move DS13 to the half of the room, and make box room multi-purpose - office /guest/ place for DSD if she want to stay/needs a quiet place during the visit.

DSS never had the bigg room for himself, so there is no tradition of it and no reason to make it so now

The partition was causing some sort of damp issue, probably because of air circulation. So they can't really do that.

I'd have the two boys who live there permanently in the bigger rooms.
They double up if the DSD is staying.

DSS in the box room
Talk to him, he gets the smaller room because hes there less. He had half a room before he doesn't need a huge room.

Keep it as it is. You're going to send a message to both of the step children that they're not valued members of the family if you take one of their sleeping spaces away altogether, and relegate the other to the box room. Personally, I'd put the partition back up so that DSD knows that she's welcome and still has per own space. Presumably with the partition up, the box room is bigger than each side of the split room. I actually think it would be more ideal for DSD to have the box and DSS to share the partitioned room with one of your DS.

do Your sons ever see their dad @Lifeshardiko or they live with you 24/7

but yes your boys should have the two bigger rooms as live there full time from what I gather

one should have bunk beds in it

box room for step son for the two weekends he stays as isn’t there a lot

then if step daughter stays she can go into one of your sons rooms for the odd night - hence bunk beds and your boys share for the night as be too much for the step son to share with your boys

or she has your bed for the night and you and dh have a sofa bed

is step daughter likely to come back and stay ?

It depends how delicate things feel. I'd probably with dhs agreement explain ds needs more room, options are that he has some storage and a desk in dss room, or they swap and he gets a revamp of the box room. How does he feel about it? What does he think is fair? Acknowledges both needs, sets the parameters - you define the options - gives him some control, incentivises.