I realised too late I don’t like parenting

Do you have a second child @Kikili? I feel like I’d enjoy my four year old so much more if I didn’t have his toddler brother! I often think how easy parenting would be with just one (I know it would still be tough). It’s definitely the combination of ages and lack of sleep which makes it so tricky for people like me and the OP rather than any way we have or haven’t shaped their behaviour.

@Tessiebear2023 this reassured me because everyone seems to say it gets easier but actually I loved the baby phase and young toddler phase, but I have struggled so much since my youngest turned 3 (he’s 4.5 now) that I kept thinking I must be doing something wrong as everyone said this should be the easier and better phase.

I loved the baby stage and mat leave, absolutely HATED the toddler and pre-school stage. It got SO much better during primary school (ages 5-10 is fantastic bonding time). Preteens stage was a bit patchy and had some worrying times.. then absolutely aced teenagers (my favourite time, teenagers are so funny, creative and talented). Everyone's experience will be different, of course!

You're going through a really tough stage right now, it's absolutely fine to admit you're hating it. At your kids age all the love care and affection that you give them will pretty much only go one way, but please hold on, you will start getting some back soon and it will make all the difference.

I'm wondering then if you're displeased with your work it could create underlying resentment and challenges of parenting. Believe me, we have all felt like this at some point... Mine are teenagers now which is another challenge in itself and me too...I think why the hell do I bother! But, we do it...just keep remembering the good parts, look at the pics of lovely times together, helps me

Not sure where to start... Judgment is the last think I could think of because I would have to judge myself. First thing, I can sympathise... They are days I think walking to a sea (I live near it) with pockets full of stones would be preferable. Like others said, some ages are harder than others, yet when you in that moment, it doesn't help. It feels like promise of tomorrow that never comes ... My wise friend said to me "this to shall pass" about something baby related... and it did...then new thing arrived ... and here we go again. Don't be so hard on yourself. Parenting is the hardest job that you are stuck with. You will get joy out of it though. I can promise you that. It will come good. It's not to late, you are sharing, you are doing great. All I can advise. Find someone close that feels the same. I found mum at school gate. We best buddies now and I know I am not alone. That what I feel it's not that awful or unnatural. We both struggle..me a single mum with no family to help, her mum of 5 with 4 neuro divers kids. It's ok, it's normal and human. I am not perfect and it's not easy and I cry and drink alone sometimes, that's ok to... No judgment. Find someone close to talk and laugh with. It will help.

I find I really enjoy my child at 4 years old, but I really worked at shaping his behaviour so that we can enjoy spending time together. I do have days when Im knackerred but my MIL always reminds me how back in them days she had to raise two kids without anyone's help and even without a washing machine😆 Try to find ways to laugh together, laughter is the key....good luck

I think lack of sleep is a killer! Once you start to sleep better, you might feel differently. Lack of sleep robs you of patience and the resilience to withstand all the stresses of parenthood. If you have a partner, is there any way you could take it in turns so that you get some decent sleep? I really feel for you, sometimes it feels relentless and unrewarding.

I am grateful to have found this thread.

I am a single mum to three year old twins following a very long infertility / IVF battle which included premature baby loss. I yearned so hard for a baby my heart broke for years at the sight of them.

Then I became a Mum and the reality of the "constant" need to be on a merry go round of tasks began. Add in the financial pressures, a full time job and generally trying to keep sane some how... I can honestly say I don't love every day of parenting despite loving my children with every ounce of my being.

It's both monotonous and challenging and zaps the life out of me. I don't know who I am most days because I'm either in "Mum mode" or "Work mode" and there's very little space for anything else to exist

I agree. For me, one of the hardest and most exhausting aspects of parenting is the worry of trying to ensure I can physically, mentally and financially provide what they need. From cooking varied annd nutritious meals to ensuring they can swim well, that they have the opportunities to pursue their interests in music and sport, I can send them to decent schools and afford additional tutor help when necessary, that I can afford uni fees without burdening them with huge amounts of debt. That I am available to provide the emotional support they need. The truth is I simply can’t do all of this. What I am able to do comes at a huge expense physically, financially and emotionally to me. I feel guilt. . I feel like a lousy parent. I feel I could afford this for one child but not two. I’m envious of parents who can easily provide all of the above. I’m envious of parents who believe love alone is enough. I don’t fit into either category. I’m certain I would like parenting more if this wasn’t the case.

Yes. I am envious of those who chose differently. No-one who knows me would think I think this, especially them. We are loving and affectionate and they are parented well by me (dad not around much) but if I had a time machine, I would choose differently and not just because I was left to do it alone.

You can be perfectly well attached to your kids and them to you while simultaneously finding much of day to day parenting tedious.

Me, most days ...

There is absolutely no reason from her posts to think that OP has any bonding/attachment issues.

Parenting can be bloody hard, and sometimes we all need to let off steam. OP is doing exactly that on here, and that will hopefully help her to manage her feelings and work through them.

It seems to me that you've had a really tough time yourself, both in childhood and more recently, and are lashing out defensively at OP, projecting your feelings of hurt and anger onto her.

That's not helpful. I'm going to suggest that perhaps you take your own advice, and look into ways to work through your difficult feelings that are healthier and more constructive.

Not you personally btw.

Yet if we comment on the child free board you all lose your heads.

I commented how peaceful and relaxed the childfree Christmas thred sounded.

My god I got accused of saying you all had too much spare time.

This is a nice little thred for you to all go back and comment on though.

I don't think people are just saying that it is all fine, though, @MirandaJH - I think they are saying that it is normal to have negative feelings sometimes, and that things do get better.

People are allowed to have negative feelings - that is a part of life. I don't believe than anyone feels happy and positive about everything, all of the time - that is just not possible. And I also think that it is important to accept all our feelings, because we can't examine why we are feeling bad, if we are denying we are feeling bad at all. Examining our feelings is, I think, the best way to get them into proportion - so rather than being made to feel she is the worst mother on Earth because she is struggling with parenting, @ThatCleverFawn can look clearly at how she is feeling, acknowledge it, but then also see past it to all the good things that she loves about her children and about parenting - thus cutting the negative feelings down to a size where she can manage them and get past them. The other option - repressing them for fear of criticism and harshness from other people - will only make them grow and fester in her mind, and won't help her proactively deal with her feelings.

I suffer from depression - I have done ever since I was in my mid teens (due to bullying at school) - and sometimes I feel completely hopeless, as if my life has no meaning or value and as if the world would be better off without me in it. I have thought about suicide, or dreamt about how wonderful it would be if I just didn't wake up in the morning, or if I simply dropped dead. A harsh approach to this would be people telling me that there are many people who are far worse off than me, and I just need to buck my ideas up and get over myself - but I am sure any competent psychiatrist/counsellor would tell you that is not a terribly helpful approach. I have learned, through 1-1 and group counselling, to deal positively with these feelings. They are real, so I acknowledge them, but then I have learned to see them in proportion to everything else around them - and then I can move past them.

This is why I do not believe that the harsh, buck up, approach is the best one, or even a helpful one in this situation.

I agree with you that my tough love approach seems harsh. But my reason for that is because I will always advocate for the child. Someone struggling to like being around their own child isn’t the fault of the child (as some of the responses seem to indicate it is), it’s the fault of the adults. I don’t wish any ill will on the OP, but I don’t think reassuring her it’s completely fine is the right approach either. She obviously needs to get help, not just wait until they grow up. Lack of attachment can cause severe problems for children over time.

The childhood days go so quickly though.
Empty nest syndrome does exist too.

I found it wholly boring and hard at the same time in those early years. Hated a lot of it. It got better when they got older.

Earlier in the thread I said the following, @MirandaJH - it explains why I feel so strongly that the tough love approach you and other posters espouse is the wrong one.

I would like to reiterate that no-one is a bad parent, or a bad person, for finding parenting a struggle or for having negative feelings about how hard and unrelenting parenting can be.

Parenting can be really hard, for many reasons - post natal depression, family/economic circumstances, lack of family support, disability or SEN, to name but a few - and even, sometimes, for no apparent reasons at all.

I believe that it is vital that, when things are hard, parents must be able to reach out, to say that they are struggling, and to ask for encouragement and support, so they can get through it. If people try to shame parents who are struggling, and make them feel like failures for struggling and for asking for help, this will NOTmake their struggles miraculously disappear - it will just make them feel entirely alone - and this will harm them and potentially their children too.

I am happy for those posters who have not struggled, or who have coped with their struggles without needing to ask for help - that is wonderful - but please accept that not everyone is the same, and even if you can’t empathise with people who are struggling, or offer them any help or support, please, please try not to make them feel even worse than they do already, by shaming them for their struggles.

So you think you are providing perspective, @MirandaJH? And you think that what you have said, and how you have said it, will be beneficial to the OP? Yikes. You are all heart.

Having a baby is a choice, one that she chose to make not just once, but twice. And feeling sorry for yourself because your leg is broken doesn’t cause long lasting damage on a child. So yes, instead of throwing herself a pity party she needs perspective and professional help. Not a bunch of people on Mumsnet stroking her ego.

@Tittat50 - I couldn't agree more, and I have said the same thing to other posters who have been equally unkind and thoughtless.

Parenting, especially when the children are young, is very hard work and it is not abnormal or wicked for a parent to struggle from time to time. @MirandaJH might like to consider that, while her thoughtless and unkind words won't change how @ThatCleverFawn is feeling at the moment, they could make her, or someone else going through the same thing as she is, bottle up their feelings in a way that will do much more damage to their mental health AND their children's wellbeing than venting somewhere safe, and getting help and encouragement.

@MirandaJH - would you tell someone with depression to just buck up and count their blessings? Would you tell someone with a broken leg that they just need to think positively, and be glad that they still have two legs, so their pain isn't worthy of sympathy?

It is hard with the ages you have and especially if you are trying to hold down a job and one child doesn't sleep. It will be easier once your eldest starts school and of course once your second child starts to sleep through. Currently you are in the stage where it really is labour intensive as you have to do so much for them physically and mentally. As they get older that will change.

For the mean time get a blood test if you haven't already to make sure there isn't anything else contributing to the tiredness or exhaustion you are feeling. If you have a partner, speak to them and look at steps you can take to help. Can your outsource chores to make your life easier? Could you or your partner (if you have one) batch cook so you aren't having to cook on your working days?

There are some steps you can take to help now. Tbh I'd write a diary and if ever you consider having a 3rd reread it and don't.