I'm so depressed and hate my life

Can you back away from your mother at all? Also probably from your DD's constant demands too. Mine was shocking at that age! Pastoral care at school became involved which was a blessing as she was being truly awful! I think them basically saying to her "grow up, and buck up" (not in so many words, but it was an older school welfare officer vs the younger one we initially had). Helped loads!

Obviously we all need to care for our kids the best we can, but you're not an emotional punch bag. Tough love is sometimes needed, and teenagers aren't fragile flowers to not be given some basic boundaries surrounding not being a total twat (or you'll end up with an even worse 16yr old).

Just picked up when u said you feel like your begging her...
Don't take her anger personally no matter how much she says. Her brain is going through a massive leap just nowll and how weird it is the more we try push to be close or find out how they feel they push parents away and resent them.

You maybe deep down are similar so right now are clashing as you try to be closer.

Does she maybe have particular interests you could engage with her in. She doesn't want to do the cinema but maybe something else? Could you game together or go to a concert, face masks and foot soak.

I'd be inclined to tell her straight you can't accept the atmosphere at home. You will not be spoken to like that or shouted at anymore and will be confiscating the phone for this in future. And also tell her you know you have shouted too and you also resolve to change.

Tell her you love her and will always be there if she needs support of to chat. Then I'd try changing the questions you ask her for a bit. Don't ask her about the boy or friends too much keep it light and non invasive (in her mind I'm not saying asking about your child social life is invasive!!)

13 and nurodivergent is a difficult time. Obviously it's hard on you but it might help you cope with it to remind yourself it's hard on her too.

Was this a sudden change in behaviour or general personality? If you need to be available on the phone to go rescue dd when she gets herself into situations as you say. Is it possible something has happened to her? There could be more than teen angst behind a behaviour change.

Do you need to have contact with your mother? Describing that as abusive does not sound good. If you actually made the effort to see her would she treat you better? Could you lean on her emotionally? Would she be on call for dd to give you a needed break? She's your mother, she's supposed to be a good thing in your life and if she's not doing that and you know she will always treat you badly cutting her out your life may be your best option.

I'm sorry you are feeling shit. Have you had phases before where things were shut and got better? Try to remember dd wont be 13 forever you just have to get through this tough time

Aww not good, she is being very manipulative with her threats about self harm. Has she ever done before, just always make sure no sharo things are left in the bathroom or somewhere she would lock herself in.
Does sound like mental health is a big thing which is so hard. If she had a diagnosis of ADHD maybe getting g community mental health team to see her. You will make yourself ill and your seeking out help. Yea you can try confiscate phone but would she then turn on you.

If your at a point of desperation then maybe she needs a change in discipline to get tough to get her to see your serious. Phones and social media are a nightmare.

It's hard not to react when hurtful things are said to you. I wonder if she even remembers saying the hurtful things to get the reaction from you and also respond in anger.

Your not alone in the way your feeling. You will be scared of losing her or pushing her away if you set boundaries and put your foot down with discipline. One thing is don't get physically angry, it's hard as that inner rage comes over. Trying not to be reactive(shouting or name calling back) to her nastiness and re set this cycle between you.

Has she got underlying ADD or even autism as girls can be so different at puberty trying to mask these

It seems their anger is getting targeted at you- well , because you are their closest person who they can rely on?

I know you have probably thought this all through about where the anger at you is coming from? Was there a father figure or someone that's left that has left her with issues?

Teenage girls are difficult, even being rejected at school by friends/boys , the anger then gets drived towards parents . Not fair on you, but if you havnt done anything wrong then tell yourself that and know there is other reasons for this. Don't be sad

Why do you have to be on constant call for your daughter? Is there no public transport near you?

Honestly, you can’t give from an empty bucket — you need to replenish your own resources, and realise that you’re not just a taxi and object to be screamed at. Claim some time to invest in yourself.

other a disabled mum who spends her days abusing me.

How often do you see her? If she is abusing you, I would step right away.

I really feel for you as I have a daughter that absolutely hates me. Literally tells me multiple times a day. Each day is a struggle and it's so upsetting at times and I really feel like I can't cope. I just keep telling myself that it won't last forever and it will in time get easier. Is there anything you can do like hobbies for book club locally just to give you a break and a bit of time away