I'm so depressed and hate my life

But she’s only 13. You get to say when and where she goes out. Tell her on specific days she’s only allowed to go to places where she can walk home or take public transport safely. You can’t live at her beck and call. With that time you can start to focus on self-care to ground yourself.

One last thing, I know it’s an ongoing battle that wears you down, but when you say;

Most nights she ends up with the phone all night as she kicks off so much

Do you mean literally all night? Or all evening?

I would definitely be turning off the Wi-fi and keeping phones in a lock box downstairs at bedtime until the following morning.

She can earn extra hours on her phone at weekends by being pleasant and helpful.

Op, about this boy, surely this is just a friendship? She’s thirteen fhs! Why are you giving it so much bandwidth? You can be sympathetic but don’t be too encouraging.

ADHD girls can be quite vulnerable to peer pressure and pressure from boys so check she is safe.

At this age your dd should be focusing on her studies, her extra curricular activities, and her girlfriends.

I agree with the poster above.

Step back slightly op. Make sure it’s clear to your dd that the lines of communication are very much open but you will only listen when the conversation is calm.

Do not shout back. Step away. Grab your coat and leave the house if you have to.

ND teen girls sometimes chase dopamine by engaging in arguments with their “safe” person, which is you, in order to offload their own anxieties and frustration. She wants to be grown up and have those freedoms, but knows she isn’t capable yet, and that’s frustrating. But don’t allow her to goad you either. You are not her kicking ball!

She doesn’t hate you. She hates herself and is projecting that on to you. So don’t make the serious mistake of taking what she says personally.

I would say op to be a bit less available to your mum and dd. You are squashed between the two of them and need some space of your own, Don’t always be available to drive your dd somewhere. Don’t always be waiting on her. Be busy with your own friends too. Maybe ringfence one or two times a week when you do something just for yourself and your own enjoyment.

Allow natural consequences to occur. Out of interest, what did your dd do at Christmas if she didn’t spend time with you?

Adolescence is a marathon not a sprint. Things will improve in five years or so, but you have to prepare yourself for the long haul, So do things which bring you happiness op. Don’t just stop prioritising yourself in the meantime as that won’t be good for your dd either.

I would draw some boundaries around the time when she is with her dad. Assuming he is a safe person to be with, and there are no reasons for her to object to being with him, even if your dd hates being there, there is no need for her to be telephoning you all the time. When she is with her dad, don’t be available so much. Only in emergencies or say “you can call me between 8 and 9 tonight”. Put some boundaries around it so you get your time to rejuvenate a bit before she comes back, You are allowed a break. It’s important that you have one.

You are in charge of your own time op. I know you work long hours but try and go out for an hour or so a couple of evenings a week. Exercise or see friends. Do things that boost you up a bit.

This is going to sound strange but I think teen girls test us for resilience. Because they feel so unstable, they verbally “kick” us to make sure that we are firmly anchored, so they know that they can rely on us to be steady. And if we betray weakness or fragility, they come for us even harder, I don’t think it’s deliberate. I think it’s because their emotions make them feel out of control.

So step back.keep calm, get your own mh in order. Don’t shout, just be steady. And most of all, enjoy modelling for your dd, what a healthy adult woman’s life looks like. She needs you to be cheerful, obviously not in a Disney way, but she needs you to be positive and not get so bogged down in her problems, that you cannot thrive yourself. She also needs to see that some aspects of adulthood can be fun and it’s not all stress and conflict.

Bring your friends home. Arrange a fund-raiser for charity in your home. Anything to get the dynamic away from you versus her. Work together painting a room?

Do continue to go out with her in public. Take her for coffees or fast food. If she kicks off be unflustered. You tried. Tell her you love her and you enjoy spending time with her but not when she is being rude and disrespectful. Tell her you will try again another time and quietly get up and walk away and leave her to make her own way home,

I once left my dd (I knew she had phone and money) at a railway station about forty minutes from our house because she was being so foul to me, Her attitude improved a bit after that.

Make sure your dd starts doing her own washing, And helps with the cooking and food shopping. Maybe even put her in charge of food one night a week? Don’t become her slave.

I recommend the book, Untangled, and other books on the subject of teen girls, by Lisa Damour who also has a podcast.

And if it gets to the point where your dd gets really out of control, try and get her to see a licensed psychologist who specialises in adolescence and ND.

Ask for talking therapy at the gp for yourself if you need it.

You can do this op! You are doing it already. Just by being a steady loving presence in your dd’s life, you are helping her, even though it feels hellish!

And you are not alone. A lot of this sort of teenage interaction goes on behind closed doors but it’s not spoken about by parents so don’t feel like you are failing. Your dd is lucky to have you. Hang in there.

It's so so hard but it sounds to me like there needs to be some consequences for her actions.

Sit down and have a chat with her. Tell her that she will get £x of pocket money each week. For this she will do a few small jobs around the house and she will be pleasant and respectful to you. If she isn't - she doesn't get the pocket money.

I'd also be saying that lifts are a privilege not a right and if she wants one then she needs to ask nicely and in return she will need to (be nice/tidy room/help with dinner)

Also 10pm is late for her to be out anywhere - I'm not sure id be ok with that at 13. Where is she going/what doing?

I think this is excellent advice.

I'm so sorry to read this. I've been through it to some extent and it's really hard not to take it personally. I tried all sorts of approaches and used to get angry myself but that just ramps it up. The thing that worked best for me was just completely calm. When DD was abusive I would just calmly say "it's not ok to speak to me like that, we'll talk when you're less angry" and walk away. Every single time. Our relationship has improved significantly.

Two things op:

It’s time to carve out time for you. She has a father that can be called in an emergency. You turn off your phone for two hours a week and swim. You meet up with a friend for coffee. You prioritize your own well being 3 times a week, you are not on call 247, you tell her in advance you are unavailable between said hours. To call her father with any issues.
Sit down and work out the best times, and continue regardless of her disapproval. Your life matters too.

Sevondly and kindly. Why is a 13 year old having ‘boy trouble’ she is much too young op. I wonder if she is feeling overwhelmed? I would want to get to the bottom of why she is struggling so much, I wouldn’t see her outbursts as anger but a cry for help. I would be checking her phone (all platforms) checking with the school and ensuring she isn’t being bullied/taken advantage of or other issues in the background. I would leave no stone untouched.

Plan some days out with her, try to connect through walking, or a shared activity and start to really build back your connection with her. You can do this more easily, if you have had time to swim and take care of yourself op.

You sound exhausted. When she was younger did she have any boundaries? She does sound spoilt and pretty nasty you, I'm not surprised you're struggling. And it also seems she rules the home and dictates both your agendas and social plans. Reclaim authority and respect, have your own plans and she has to become more independent. And more polite or there should be consequences. The idea to leave her with dad is good. Though I'd let him deal with the phone and tell her you'll be out of contact for the week. Then have a break and a regroup.

Are you and dad able to sit down and discuss this? Is the split bwn u and dad something she is struggling with? Whethet she likes hoing to dads or not i would not be at her beck and call. He sjould have her there so u can have sn extended period of time ehen u know u can recharge. Get in touch with school to.see if there is any mentoring available or if she is eligible for Early Help. If she is ranting, don't respond, walk away. I think u needvto make time for s hobby. U do not need your phone on all the time. I presume dad has a phone? As for mum, set boundaries. If she starts to be rude tell her u are going to terminate the call and mean it. Being lonely does not give her the right to be rude. Hang on in there OP.

We lived through raised five teenagers, two of whom inherited my Au/ADHD. The best piece of advice I can give is don’t engage in a shouting match with her. Acknowledge that she’s angry and upset, but ask that she not take it on others. If she wants to talk, tell her you’d be happy to listen and support her, but only if she talks calmly. And then mean it - don’t cave in to her anger.

I have told my kids endless times to go somewhere quiet, get themselves under control, and come back when they’re ready to talk, because if they can’t talk about what’s bothering them, how am I supposed to help?

They’re all in their 30s now, and they still talk to us and to each other. But it took a few hellish years to get here.

I am so sorry you are feeling crap @Cindybeale

It must be hell for you! I know others have said it’s normal for teens, but that’s ok if you have a partner or extended family for support, you clearly don’t.

you have said that she screams and shouts at you no matter how nice you are. As hard as this is she needs to learn some respect. You are not her doormat or taxi.

1. Where are you taxiing her to and from?
2. What are you giving her money for?
3. What is her behaviour like at school?
4. Does she help you in the house?

Hang in there Op x

Send her to her Dad's without her mobile phone for a few weeks while you rest up. Her Dad should be able to understand that you are not well.
Seek some assistance for your own needs.
Have your daughter spend more days each week at her Dad's for the whole year.
Don't contemplate having her more often until she has calmed down and appreciates you and treats you with respect and good manners.
Don't attend to your mother unless she also treats you with respect.

Agree you need to limit time with your mum until you've recharged.
If your DD is having a rough time could you dangle the carrot of a day off school as a mental health day, on the condition it's a phone/internet free day doing stuff with you?
You could take the day off too and make breakfast together, watch a film, play a game, go for a walk in the park, tidy her room, and basically reconnect? Talk about everything she wants to, talk about why she hates going to her dads, maybe tell her she can skip seeing him this week too as long as she talks to you and opens up.
You could plan future things, organising her things, painting her walls, little things outside of social media that will interest her and inspire her to be nice to you again.
Then once trust is rebuilt you can start to gently restore boundaries with the phone and how she talks to you?

ever heard of tough love? Where I live there are phone interventions for parents that have had it up to here with their teen kids behaviours. Could you access one such in your area? On a personal note I had my then 15 yr old yell "I HATE YOU" to me. It hurt inside big time ( still does years later) but I didn't show it. I just yelled back "GOOD . I MUST BE DOING MY JOB AS A PARENT REALLY WELL". That took the wind out of his sails... he never said it again. Later in life he said that I could have been harder on him!!!!! He is now about to be a parent himself. Will be watching that closely lol