To ask for some of your best dating advice?

I've done quite a bit of dating, id want to date a guy that seems genuinely interested in getting to know me not just sexually. Ideally I rather message for a few days first, with regular messages but not constantly (love bomber alert) or a boring once a week type texter - not that into you/ just want casual dating.
A brief chat about exes fine, and this can give you more insight about them, are they overly negative, crazy ex, talk too much about them (yawn)
Did he walk out on her with young children or did she just chuck him out and he doesn't know why apparently..

I have no interest in making friends with ex dates, as normally one like the other more hoping it will lead to more, I also avoid men that still see friends they've made on dating apps, I wouldn't trust them an inch.

This is brilliant advice.

I speak from experience... i have been love-bombed and it is so easy to let it happen if you've had bad experiences in the past.

Hello OP! I have made a thread on the relationships board about a book called The Rules and there has been some wonderful advice there x

It depends on the talk about exes. I had a date where he kept talking about his girlfriend who had died of cancer (I afterwards suggested that he needed to take more time to get over his grief,) and also, all the terrible dates he'd been on, which I did not point out had one common factor, and it wasn't the women, though I didn't point this out...

I don't initiate these discussions on a date, but it's quite common to talk about how you're finding the dating app - men and women tend to have quite different experiences, as men will swipe on loads, and women are much more picky. I tend to be quite vague, "I've had a few dates, met some nice guys, but they haven't worked out for whatever reason," because obviously no one wants to hear, "You're not as good as this guy I met last month, but he didn't want me, so here I am..." nor, "you're the only one I matched with, so I thought desperate as i am..."

I'm in my 50s, so it does sometimes come up, were you ever married, do you have kids? Most people will have had past relationships by this age, and if there's no history, that would seem odd. I would expect them to speak respectfully about any ex. Talk of psycho exes or how they were totally shafted in the divorce is a red flag. If they have children, I would want to know they're involved and in touch with them. By our age, the children may be adults but I would still expect them to have contact.

I am still in contact with, and on good terms with, some exes - they're just friends these days, and conversation is usually about work/parents/ children, it's just we happened to sleep together once. Anyone who isn't okay with that isn't for me, though I'd probably just talk about them as a friend initially, so they wouldn't know. Some people aren't comfortable with those who stay in touch (unless it's out of necessity because of shared children,) which is also okay, but not me. OTOH, if they'd just broken up 2 months ago, and were texting, "I miss you," that would be an issue.

In most cases, it's clear if they're still hung up on an ex, or were the reason for the break-up, and that's all useful to know. I think it's natural for there to be interest in people's past to some extent and it can tell you a lot about what they're like when they talk about it. If it's something they are too focussed on, don't show respect for those past partners, it's a reason to avoid them.

think of it as a numbers game. Arrange a midday coffee date very quickly, don’t waste time exchanging messages only to find you don’t like them face to face.
Within reason, agree to have coffee even if you don’t like their photo. Try to organize at least 2 coffee dates per week so you don’t end up over thinking each date. Respond to messages with a couple of hours but avoid initiating them. Don’t be available for last minute dates

No, talking about exes is NOT the right thing to do on a date.

This old adage could have been written for the online dating world. You must always bear it in mind.

Actions speak louder than words

This is for a bit further on, but check out his mates carefully. You can tell a lot about a man from the company he keeps.

Never give up your usual activities (exercise classes, book club, whatever,) or friends for a date - they will all last longer than most dates, and anyone who isn't happy with you having your own life should be avoided.

Don't take it too seriously, and if it's getting you down, take a break.

While people say no sex on the first date, I do want to have sex early on, because sex is important to me, and I don't want to get emotionally invested in someone who turns out to be rubbish on bed. I think this can depend a bit on your personality and how you feel about sex. I'm not going for 6 dates without finding out if they're good in bed.

You will meet a lot who turn out to be arseholes. You will also meet quite a few who are perfectly lovely men, but there's just no chemistry in person. That's just part of dating - it's why you're dating, to see if dates are as good as they appear, if you get on okay in person - with some of them, you won't.

If something feels off, go with your gut instinct.

Enjoy the journey. The bad dates can make great anecdotes to entertain your friends with.

Maintain what feels like super high standards. Like, sky high. The reality is most women's standards are really damn low because we've learned that's all we can expect - I finally put my foot down after previous relationship breakup and decided to keep really high standards (which actually now I realise we're just bloody reasonable) , even if it meant I never met anyone who reached them and was alone forever.

Lo and behold, I met my amazing fiance. I met and went on a few dates (or "talked") with a few duds before him, men I could have continued wasting time with but didn't due to my "ridiculous standards" ... Which left me free to find my fiance at all. I'd have missed him if I were caught up in some other loser. It's so easy to get caught up.

I agree with above poster, give people who arnt your usual type physically a chance. My fiance also didn't seem my usual type at first . One date in and it was the best date I'd ever had, got on like a house on fire. By fourth date, chemistry was insane.

Also agree with other poster, keep first date short and sweet, and casual. Somewhere in the day time or earlier evening. Had a soft drink in a pub just after work and before going home for dinner (alone, of course!) with mine. Did end up going on an unplanned walk after the drink though, as we were having such a lovely time... Still got home early enough that dinner wasn't too late!

"If he wanted to, he would" is very true. Repeat it to yourself often. Men are not helpless babies who simply don't know how to have relationships and need us to teach or fix them - they know exactly what they're doing, so if he's not treating you right, it's cus he doesn't care to.

Be strong if you know a guy is no good for you. Stand your ground and leave him be. Don't be swayed by chancers who only seem to up their game when they know you're done.

If you're wondering if a guy is genuinely interested in you, he isn't. Men will make it clear when they value you.

Don't confuse love bombing with valuing you.. This can be hard when you're caught up in a guy, but is possible to tell the difference if you remain vigilant. Love bombing can be gifts, future faking with extravagant promises, declarations of deep feeling early on and flowery poetic words. Genuine interest and value is just keeping to their word, not being late to meeting you and not randomly cancelling last minute (within reason, life and traffic happens!) , texting you back, being transparent and clear with no game playing. No game playing and transparency are big ones.

And apply that to yourself too. Don't play games yourself either! It's really not the way. No worrying how long you should leave it to text back etc, just text back when you naturally would. No testing a guy or anything like that. Don't do it and don't accept it if he does.

Just aim to meet some nice decent guys. Be open to different ages. My DH was physically not my type and also 'too young for me' so I didn't even consider him. We were friends through work and it just changed when I realised we got on quite a lot. And don't put up with bad behaviour or treating you badly.

Have high standards but low expectations. Think of it as a bit of fun or entertainment, don't take it too seriously.

Short and sweet for the first date. Daytime dates tend to come with less expectation.

If the person is rude or obnoxious or you aren't enjoying yourself, you can leave. You don't need to be polite, you don't need to stay until the end, you don't need to agree to another date, you don't need to make up a fake excuse to leave. Just say " I'm going to call it a night. Enjoy the rest of your evening. Take care." and go.

^

This. You owe these people nothing

Find someone patient and kind. No sex til monogamy. Dont text too much; texting is for letting them know ur running late etc, not convos. Best of luck x

Mine is a bit off piste to the others, but I’ve generally find that men who talk very badly of ex’s are bad news. Referring to an ex as a “psycho” is a big red flag in my book.

I’m sure someone will be along soon to tell me all about the decent blokes out there who do indeed have mad ex girlfriends…. but I just think it shows a genuine disrespect for someone you have previously been intimate with and 9/10 they were the problem.

Do you think there are men out there who want to just take a woman to a nice restaurant/out dancing on the first date?

If you have some good chats online move to real life asap. It’s easy to build up a false sense of intimacy by message and then when you meet, a) you’ve got nothing to talk about as you’ve already told them all about yourself and b) if they’re not what you were expecting, you have to almost get to know each other again from scratch as the person they are rather than the one you had in your head!

It's not about just 'getting' somebody. It's about finding somebody who likes you for being you. Don't pretend to be what you think they're looking for in order to make them like you. You can't pretend forever.

If a date is not arranged within 1 week of matching, sack it off.

Avoid endless messaging and meet in person ASAP to see if there's a connection.

First date isn’t really a date. (Think they call it Date zero on the dating threads) as it’s just to meet them and check whether you’d even like to go on a date. So short and sweet, a coffee, quick drink after work etc with an end time (I have to get back to work/home to make dinner/back to walk the dog etc).

Don’t put too much emphasis on chemistry/initial attraction. I’m not saying if you find them physically repulsive to arrange a date!

But if you think “that’s a decent guy, he’s interesting but I can’t see myself kissing him” give it another chance.

When I first met my DP I wasn’t sure if I fancied him, he was the total physical opposite of my ex, so I was convinced he wasn’t “my type” and even when we first kissed after maybe 4 dates I didn’t feel butterflies. However, once things progressed the attraction grew and I found him more and more handsome the more I got to know him. I’m probably not the type he’d go for on paper either, but he clearly fancies the pants off me now. Just be open minded to the possibilities.

Practice being friendly but a bit distant let them do the chasing. Don't be overly needy. Stick to soft drinks! Try and see dating as a chance to have a bit of fun and meet some nice guys - don't be to quick to think 'is he the one'? Instead go with 'he's nice, I'll just see where this goes'!

Have zero tolerance of anyone who messes you around, blows hot and cold or is flaky and unreliable. In my experience, men aren't complicated. If he's into you, he'll message, treat you well and turn up when he says he will!