To ask for some of your best dating advice?

Every 5 minutes you spend messaging this guy is 5 minutes you could spend actually looking for someone you have a future with.

I'd go cold turkey on this one and move on. I'd also stick to coffee meets or a walk and coffee for first dates rather than drinks for first dates. Sometimes alcohol can heighten your emotions and create a memory of a sense of connection that isn't really there.

Are you short of friends? Are you lonely? Sounds like you want a bf and it might mess with your head to try do the friends thing . If he says he’s not ready he might string you along and drive you nuts. He sounds a bit emotionally vampirey to be honest

I entered the dating game last year after a 6 year relationship and didn't really know where to start. I heard on here about the 'haystack' method, which seemed to work really well for me. I met someone relatively quickly and didn't get too much shit along the way. The basic idea is how do you find a needle in a haystack- you burn it to the ground.

I paid for a subscription to bumble - not a site the sends you 4 matches a day based on their profiles, and spend a dedicated amount of time sorting profiles. probably about an hour a day. Anything for me that I knew would be a 'no' in a relationship I didn't waste my time on. I know people say be open- but to me that's a time-waste- it may get you more dates, but they aren't going to go anywhere.

So for me men with kids, all no's; smokers, no; cat owners, no; rescheduled a first date, no.

It doesn't matter what your list is- but stick to it- there's thousands of people out there. Reduce the number of the dates, but play the long game

Can you elaborate on the last point?

I usually make my excuses and end the date if someone is being weird. I don't often challenge them as I hate conflict, especially with a stranger.

You are going to work on finding a real connection with someone who wants to date you as well as message you. 💖

From my limited experience quite a while ago:
-meet in person asap, don't do extended messaging
-don't rule someone out on a photo alone, some people are much more attractive in real life due to mannerisms etc
-challenge people immediately if they do or say weird things

It's not silly at all. You're lonely. I'm lonely too. I made exactly this mistake last week and I'm still reeling from it. Hugs for you. 💖

Have no expectations

Have boundaries of steel and stick to them

Look on dating as fun, and some outings rather than as quest for “The One”

Meet quickly after chatting so you don’t over invest

Take things slowly
No sex on the first date this is something I did however that was 8 years ago and we are still together and very much happy still but wouldn't do that again

Don't get to drunk during dates you need to be aware and see how you actually get on

See if you feel any connection with them etc obviously over time

Don't get to involved it might not work out then your just left upset or hurt

I would agree with a previous comment on here and go have a fling with someone first just to get you back into it and help you feel more confident

Don't tell him. Either he'll talk you round or say something that batters your fragile self esteem even more. Just stop responding.

I wish I'd understood about love bombing sooner. It appears in my experience with guys telling me I'm incredibly beautiful, insanely sexy, so intelligent. The first guy who gushed over me like this, I fell head over heels with, and got the full narcissistic nightmare complete with gaslighting and a stolen passport.

I was talking to a guy last week who started the same script and I told him to cut it out and started being more skeptical of him. I noticed quickly that while he said all this shit about me and my work (I write and make art), he wasn't actually engaging with anything specific in what I have made. It made me think that my passport-stealing ex talked the same game, expressed wonderment at my writing, but never actually mentioned a single tiny thing from anything I've published. I wonder now if he even read it. Probably not, since he was so jealous and I write about sex. Look for this to see if it's love bombing. If they think you're so brilliant they should be able to express this is far less general statements.

Don't give any specifics about your trauma. If you fall in love you can tell them later. Tell a therapist if you still need to talk about stuff. Never a guy you've just started dating. You make yourself too vulnerable/seem like a mad person.

Finally, one I'm still not good at, don't get into endless texting before you've met. Be a little bit unobtainable. Don't let them become part of your daily life or a crutch through constant messaging. I suspect you've done this with the guy you need to cut off. I feel for you. It's really easy to get sucked into long chats that feel great and when it goes you're going to feel empty and lonely.

Keep your options open by talking to and going on dates with a few people at once.

That way you don't invest in one person too soon. You have that air of confidence and if it doesn't work out with one person you're not left high and dry.

Have a fling with someone unsuitable to get back in the game.

Don't take things personally in the early days. If they stop messaging its not because you're flawed or unattractive, it's something to do with their situation.

Don’t bother with online dating, it’s a cesspit. Get yourself a nice holiday to somewhere sunny like Turkey or Morocco and find yourself a saucy holiday romance with one of the locals. Worst case scenario, you’ll have an amazing spicy fling that will get all the girlies jealous, or best case, you’ll meet your future soulmate.

The world is really your oyster x

I’ve had this… you’ll live in hope; he’ll enjoy the attention and string you along. This situation will stop you meeting someone else who is actually interested. I’d tell my younger self to ghost him!!

My top advice is go for the unusually short men on the apps. Much less competition.

I think it can work but can be difficult to keep healthy boundaries and not getting close physically just for the sake of it if youre attracted to each other. Maybe taking the friendship slow could work.

Talking to the guy, being respectful of both yours and his boundaries and having sexual boundaries is important. It's good to get to know someone before you sleep with them, this is usually how relationships can last longer as well as the fact that sleeping with a stranger is actually dangerous as you dont know who they are. Getting to know them for a few months until you start to feel love is good. It's nice to go out to places that you both like to go to aswell and if he puts efforts into your dates (and you do too at times) I think thats nice and romantic too.

Also, I just used to ask men out if I liked them at times, I think many men appreciate that too.

I'm really sorry, but if a guy got super drunk and emotional on a first date with me, it would freak me out and there's no way I'd see him again.
I don't think you're ready

Listen to what he’s saying. He isn’t ready to date or maybe it was a polite way of saying he isn’t into you. Don’t waste any further time on him and look for someone else.

How are you working on your self esteem? Have you had any therapy? I saw a counsellor after a bad break up and found it really helpful.