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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for some of your best dating advice?

110 replies

Whereislove25 · 10/01/2025 23:01

I am currently working on my self esteem and self value before I put myself out there on the dating apps once again - as I know you need thick skin in this game.

This time I actually really want to meet a nice, kind, caring man. In the past I’ve made so many mistakes in dating - getting too drunk, sleeping with them on the first date, texting too much etc. This has just led to many regrets the next day and emotional pain.

So I am asking you all how can I be more successful with online dating this year?

OP posts:
ForRealCat · 17/01/2025 12:04

Whereislove25 · 12/01/2025 19:50

I am messaging this guy who I went on a date with and he seems very open to being friends which, I would like as well because we really got on. BUT I really fancy him and I think I want more so I should walk away now shouldn’t I? We’re messaging a lot still and it’s really confusing me 😔

Given you get attached easily and he knows you might like a bit to drink I'd be concerned that he's keeping you around for a dry spell, and if something were to happen when you've both had a few drinks then its not his fault because he's already warned you he doesn't want a relationship with you.

Move on. Everytime your thinking about messaging him open a dating app and spend 5 minutes on that.

Original poster
Whereislove25 · 16/01/2025 19:11

Thank you, honestly wish I didn’t care so much or become emotionally attached so quickly. I am sure it’s not even about him, it’s about me.

OP posts:
TriangleLight · 16/01/2025 08:36

Block/delete/ move on!

Browse the sites for some more dates and keep things casual

Don’t approach each date as possible marriage material

Foreverchangeable · 15/01/2025 23:00

Don't message him. Move on. He's made it clear it's not going to work so don't waste your time. Sorry OP. This is horrible. You will find someone who's perfect for you, so don't get distracted by someone who's not. Back to it! Meet up quickly! No sex too soon and move on if they don't commit! That way you will meet the right person sooner! (And you will!) All the best!

Original poster
Whereislove25 · 15/01/2025 21:11

Maybe I should message him just to get it off my chest

OP posts:
Original poster
Whereislove25 · 15/01/2025 20:45

I am tempted to cave in and text him, but I know that won’t do me any favours

OP posts:
TerracottaWorrier · 15/01/2025 20:36

Yeah but OP it's only been a couple of days. Your brain is still in detox.

Original poster
Whereislove25 · 15/01/2025 20:33

I know this sounds ridiculously silly. But I just can’t stop thinking about this guy. I felt like we just “clicked” and I miss his attention. I fear I am never going to be able to get married if I have this mindset. 😔

OP posts:
Crushed23 · 14/01/2025 17:05

Brooomhilda · 14/01/2025 13:35

For me personally I had to learn how to walk away if something wasn't right for me. I settled in a lot of relationships and looking back the warning signs were there while we were dating and I ignore them thinking "he'll change for me when we're a couple". It wasn't until I became ruthless with my "this isn't right for me, I'm moving on" mentality that I met someone really right for me.

I love this and I'm trying to be the same.

I still have 'but he was nice and now I have no one to date' doubts every time I end things with a guy I'm dating. But I have to remember that I need to be ruthless in keeping the not-quite-right guys out to be able to let the right guy in.

KStockHERO · 14/01/2025 14:25

I'm out of the dating game.

But one of my single friends who dates a lot says you should have a "That tells you everything question". It's a question that seems pretty innocuous, that can be a really good conversation starter, but which tells you a lot about someone and your compatibility.

It shouldn't be overtly political but it can be something that could give you some hints as to political persuasion or leanings.

For her its "Do you go to festivals?" 😂😂😂
Or "Have you ever tried Crypto trading?" 😂😂😂

JHound · 14/01/2025 14:16

Whereislove25 · 14/01/2025 13:51

@JHound tbe problem is, is that I think I want more with this guy right now. If he started telling me about his dating life I’d be bothered!

So you have to walk away.

Original poster
Whereislove25 · 14/01/2025 13:51

@JHound tbe problem is, is that I think I want more with this guy right now. If he started telling me about his dating life I’d be bothered!

OP posts:
Brooomhilda · 14/01/2025 13:35

For me personally I had to learn how to walk away if something wasn't right for me. I settled in a lot of relationships and looking back the warning signs were there while we were dating and I ignore them thinking "he'll change for me when we're a couple". It wasn't until I became ruthless with my "this isn't right for me, I'm moving on" mentality that I met someone really right for me.

LemonViewer · 14/01/2025 13:32

Know what you are looking for in a relationship and don't be afraid to say it from the start. Be proud, clear and unapologetic about your desires for the future, holding back just puts the other person in the driving seat eventually.

JHound · 14/01/2025 13:22

Whereislove25 · 11/01/2025 12:25

Thanks @To4rb!

Anyone have any thoughts re being friends after one date with someone you really click with?

One of my best friends on the planet is a man I went on a few dates with.

We are not romantically compatible for dating but he is one of my closest confidantes and most trustworthy friends.

He has also given me great dating advice!

JHound · 14/01/2025 12:55

Consistency of actions and words over an extended period of time.

Also avoid low effort men. If he never wants to put himself out for you (dates must always be in his neighbourhood etc.) it’s because he is not that into you. Sack him off.

JHound · 14/01/2025 12:47

One piece of advice I wish I had received decades ago: don’t try and front run the relationship.

If meet a guy, go on a date and just don’t feel any “spark” then rather than blowing him off because you don’t immediately fancy him but there are no concerns / red flags - ask yourself “would I be willing to spend another hour in this man’s company”.

That attraction can develop but it needs time. This method gives you that time. Seek compatibility over chemistry.

Catname · 14/01/2025 12:46

You want to share your life with the right person, not the first one who comes along, so use the good advice here and remember that is ok to take time on/after a date to decide if he really is a man you will mean the world to, and not just be a meaningless shag for.

My biggest thing was meeting as soon as possible and never entertaining a whiff of sexting until after I’d decided to sleep with them - and never with photos even then.

JHound · 14/01/2025 12:40

Seriously I was being flippant but there has been some excellent advice on this thread.

I would also add, leave at the first sign of a red flag.

Original poster
Whereislove25 · 14/01/2025 12:26

But I want to share my life with someone!!

OP posts:
JHound · 14/01/2025 12:18

Don’t do it!

Get a pet.

Dweetfidilove · 14/01/2025 12:14

username299 · 10/01/2025 23:09

Have a clear idea of what you want and don't deviate from it.

For example if you are looking for a long term relationship, leading to marriage and children, then make it clear at the beginning.

Know what red flags to look out for:

Addiction
Crazy ex
Sexist
Disrespectful
Name calling
Flaky
Hot and cold
Sexually incompatible
Etc

Take it slowly and watch out for love bombing.

@Whereislove25 this is great advice .

And always start with this - Have a clear idea of what you want and don't deviate from it.

Dweetfidilove · 14/01/2025 12:11

Don't get stuck in the prolonged texting phase.
Date more than one person, so you're not consumed/lovebombed by one person.
Delay sex.
Don't fall too fast.
Be prepared to walk away - mid-date, mid-text, whenever.

Original poster
Whereislove25 · 14/01/2025 12:05

@Newstartplease24 yes you are so right. I already feel like it’s messing with my head. Just hate how I get so emotionally attached so quickly!

OP posts:
ForRealCat · 14/01/2025 11:23

Whereislove25 · 14/01/2025 11:09

Thank you @ForRealCat. That’s good advice - and I am jealous you found someone quickly without too much hassle!

I think I just have a huge scarcity mindset that where if I find someone I get along with, there will be no one else out there. I’ve never really had a serious relationship either which gives me huge levels of self doubt.

Yes I found quickly, but I wasn't using the app's like my friends do- a few minutes here and there. I would schedule time in, and really shift a volume of men through😂

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