To ask for some of your best dating advice?

My dating advice:

Don't play games. If you like someone, be upfront, message them and say 'I had a good time on our date. Wondering if you'd like to meet up again?' No need to 'play hard to get'. If they say no, it wasn't the fact that you messaged them that made them say no.

Don't sit there fretting and over-analysing and looking for the significance in every little thing. It's almost certainly not that deep.

If someone says they don't want anything serious - they really don't want anything serious. If you do want something serious, don't date them hoping they'll change their minds. They won't.

Remember that you can dump someone for any reason you want. So, so often on here you see women saying 'I've been on some dates with this guy and he seems nice but he [does something or other] and I find it really offputting, AIBU if I don't see him again?' The answer, regardless of how trivial the issue is, should always be YANBU. If it's not working for you, it's not working. And that's fine.

Date someone because you want that specific person. Don't date someone because you just want a boyfriend. It's incredible how many women are in relationships with men they barely even like, simply because they don't want to be single. Don't be one of those women.

Definitely not a failsafe but a good rule. So many women try and “interpret” what a man’s actions mean. If he likes you, you will know!

People who love bomb also let you know they like you, though. It's not a failsafe rule. There's a whole load of other shit to look out for too.

I haven't been on a date for over 20 years but I would not go on a blind date. I'd have to meet them first before I went on a date. I definitely wouldn't do online dating or lonely hearts adds. My friend does online dating and it's all a bit contrived and they are never suitable.

OP, I am going to be brutally honest. You come across as very needy, and I think men can sense it. I can sense it, the neediness is oozing from your messages. I know I sound so harsh but you asked for advice, and I can feel it in you because I used to be like it too. I used to be over invested quickly, I used do accept breadcrumbs, I had poor boundaries, I'd put men on a pedestal after hardly knowing them etc etc etc. Neediness is very off putting (this works the other way around too by the way, needy men are off putting too).

You need to figure out what the neediness is about but I think the first step is to figure out what you actually want. What kind of man are you looking for ie what are his qualities, values etc. Your posts sound like you're not quite sure what you actually want, and any man who gives you a bit of attention is put on a pedestal and you start desperately waiting for him to get in touch/to want more, when realistically you don't know anything about this man. And honestly did you even enjoy their company that much or is like a PP said a sort of limerence type obsessiveness, and is it actually about these particular men or more about your neediness to be with any man? (Not any man but you know what I mean I think).

Once you've figured out what you want from a man, only date men who fit your criteria. I am not talking about ridiculous unrealistic things like he has to have a certain nose, height, hair, specific job etc but things like he has to be emotionally available, be into me and show it, be kind, treat me well, be consistent, be ambitious, be in a caring profession or whatever it is that is important to you. So when you actually meet someone and their actions don't go with what you're looking for, move on. So someone like that guy who only wanted to be friends would probably be binned instantly (instead of you accepting crap from him) because you'd have realised 'wait a minute, his actions are crap, he's stringing me along or probably keeping me keen while waiting for someone better to come along, and that's not good enough for me'...

I have lots more thoughts and advice but feel like I'm being a bit cruel/too brutally honest. So before I say more, please let me know whether you find this brutally honest advice helpful at all. Do you know what you are looking for in a man? Is this something you've thought about before or could start thinking about?

No it’s not bad, literally nothing to lose. If he was your future partner do you really think he’d change his mind because you messaged him once???

It’s not a competition where you are trying to win a date - it’s about two people trying to meet each other. Set the same standards for a date as you’d expect to live up to yourself.

And for you OP please listen to what your dates are saying. The last guy was literally saying he didn’t want to date you and you’re asking should you hang about in case he changes his mind. Um, no!! I’m not sure who told you in your life that you should hang around and wait for scraps but that’s not the life you want for yourself honestly.

And that's fine if you're enjoying it and they're not. And vice versa. I can't really describe it other than that. You'll just know. I think cause of how hard dating is in this day and age when people meet someone they like they make it completely clear so they don't lose them. If you like someone make it clear. If they don't feel the same way, chalk it up and move on. At least you'll never wonder what if.

The best thing I ever read when I was dating - if he likes you, you'll know.

There will be no messing about or wondering about anything. They will communicate clearly and arrange dates and follow through with what they say. Don't take any shit and know your worth.

My now fiancé and father of my child was like this. It was a completely different feeling and you'll know when you feel it.

Also, research limerence. It was the most freeing revelation ever to understand that my obsessions with some frankly mediocre men have been as a result of my own hyperfixations and limerent tendencies, which I can’t control. Knowing about limerence is SUCH a game changer.

I started dating again last year after a divorce, as a single mum. I found it very freeing, so different to my anxiety when I was in my 20s. The below assumes you are looking to date men, apologies if that is incorrect.

Firstly, don’t take anything personally. If someone doesn’t text back or is giving you one word answers, move on. If someone isn’t invested enough to give you a text back from the start, you don’t need that energy. No need to write them an essay, block delete move on.

which brings me to my second reco - follow Lalalaletmeexlain on insta if you don’t already and buy her book block delete move on. Game changer, so helpful for navigating modern dating. Not about playing games or “attracting” men. Just knowing your boundaries, knowing your worth and not being taken in by red flags and f boys. Stay safe, protect your peace.

Lastly, as Cher said - “I think men are the coolest, but I don’t think you need them to live.” Approach dating with curiosity and a sense of adventure, like you would a hobby. Take a break if it’s a bit much. I have met some brilliant men, a couple of “interesting” ones, but for the most part I’ve had a blast. Good luck x

Maybe he's just busy with work and stuff.

Chill out, it's only been a few hours! If you've not heard anything in a couple of days text him and ask of he fancies a drink.

In the meantime check out other available men!

Listen to the "ask a matchmaker " podcast. She would definitely approve of the advice given on this thread and would tell you never to contact this guy who wants to be friends again.

She has some great advice about how to present yourself online and how to weed out the time wasters and find someone you are compatible with.

One of my favourite pieces of advice she gives is to ask hypotheticals to get an idea of someone's values. So ask them "what would you do if you won the lottery" to get an idea of their financial and family values and to see if they align with your own.

I usually like to have a couple of chats on the phone first. Be REALLY switched on to what he's saying - red flags are:

• talking about himself for the whole call.
• not showing any interest in you.
• things he says don't add up.
• criticising previous partners/dates.
• moaning about women, in general.
• Anything sexual.
• Showing no awareness of safety issues for women
• Avoiding giving information on stuff like where he lives/previous relationships
• Phrases such as 'I don't take life too seriously'
• If you need someone caring, maybe chuck a little issue into the conversation (e.g that you have had a tough day) and see how he reacts.
• Spending the WHOLE phone call talking about his work problems and how he'll be taking his employer to an industrial tribunal 😂

Right then, OP. So you know really it's not him. It's your anxiety and obsessive thinking. I'm not really one to talk but some CBT or mindfulness practice might help you sort through your thoughts a bit. Sympathy. My brain does this too. It's incredibly unhelpful.

Sunk Cost Fallacy - just because you’ve invested emotionally in something don’t be reluctant to walk away/ stay a bit longer when it is clear ending a relationship is the better decision- this is how you waste years of your life.

OP, do you find that you're generally an anxious person?