To wish I hadn’t married a man with a well paid job

The "nanny bracket" isn't significantly different from the "two in nursery bracket", though!

@butteronthebread I get it.
It's also not easy to get professional level part-time jobs, and the industry we are both in full-time would involve travel. We can't both travel.
I was sitting the other day trying to work out what else I could do, even if it meant retraining, I couldn't come up with very much that would fit round my kids.

Very well explained. I wish all women could read this.
This is exactly why it's a really bad idea to take a back seat. It's not just the present that people need to consider but the future too.

Yes!

I was pissed off that no one ever asked DH those questions. In fact, people were surprised when he took more than 2 weeks off when DC's were born.

… and for context he’s 50% responsible for coming up with a solution that works for your family

This is also a choice that he’s making, to have a job that requires so much time away that he can’t do the practical parenting he is responsible for. May be he needs to be reminded that he has a choice.

@CantHoldMeDown 👏🏼👏🏼

My dh earned more than me for the first 12 years of our relationship. When I had dd, after mat leave I worked 28 hrs per week, but always had further career ambitions. I got a place of a paid doctorate when dd was in nursery. This involved travel to uni a few days a week with a long commute. Dh had no choice but to pick up the slack, which he of course did. Then after I'd qualified dh had a great opportunity to lead a project in far east so travelled 2 weeks on/ off for 8 months. I picked up the slack. Now i earn about 30k more than him. We're a team and it's been swings and roundabouts career wise. It's worked out well as we both now have great careers. It's prob helped that we only had 1dc (not out of choice but it's worked out very well).

Don't sit in the background op, think of solutions not problems whether it is childcare or logistics.

But someone has to pick up the kids, feed them, put them to bed. In the morning you can't just get up and head to the office, someone has to get the kids ready, drop the kids off at childcare etc.

But you do that and then go to work. It's just normal life, and not that big a deal. Stop perpetuating the myth that someone's career needs to take a back seat.

Ok

This would be marriage ending disrespectful behaviour for me. You’re a top 2% earner, it’s not like you need to put up with that sexist bull from him.

@Ayechinnyreckon But surely if her husband earns so much she doesn't need to work, then they can afford childcare? I don't see how it would help her if her husband was on minimum wage. She's saying she lacks 'freedom'. But people who are broke lack it to much larger extent. In my view.

So I understand to a degree in that I am the higher earner and because we therefore rely more on my income, to some degree my job is prioritised. However a larger reason why that is, is because it is sometimes very inflexible. And so actually if I earned less, we might still prioritise it during the inflexible periods. This doesn't mean my husbands job isn't important though nor that I don't pull my weight/have held back his career. He has been able to do all he has wanted to do. I have dropped a day for childcare, do all the child related admin/clothes buying/club sorting etc and do more than 50% of the running around and childcare. So it is possible to earn more and also not make the other person sacrifice their potential. I wonder, though, if women who are higher earners are more supportive of lower earning partners because they see so many women being expected to sideline themselves because they're the lower earner? The women I know who are breadwinners do seem to be more equitable but that's very anecdotal I accept.

I'm the opposite.
Wish my dh earned more. As the higher earner I'm stuck working full time.

But someone has to pick up the kids, feed them, put them to bed. In the morning you can't just get up and head to the office, someone has to get the kids ready, drop the kids off at childcare etc.

Not having to think about those things, to not have to watch the clock at work for when you need to leave by, IS a luxury.

If one parent works long hours dye to their job, then the other parent has to facilitate that.

Presumably you agreed at the time.

If you want your crack, tell him.

Surely you can work as much as you want? Why is it a 'luxury' to work more? For most people it's to do with need. Working isn't a luxury.
If anything it's a privilege to be able to afford to work less.
Why don't you just do more hours or get a second job? What's stopping you? Or if you don't want money then do volunteering.
I'm sorry but I don't get it.

You don't say what industry your DH is in but anyone earning 100k has transferable skills. The best solution here would be for him to find an equivalent paid job without big travel commitments.

My DC are adults now but 15-20 years ago I was in a similar position. With hindsight there's a lot of changes I didn't insist on which I now regret (and if he was honest he probably regrets too).

After our youngest was born he did move from a job that involved being away from home regularly to one that just required a commute (no wfh back then). That did make things marginally better but long hours and no family support meant my 'career' during those years was a few part time jobs interspersed with periods of having to be the SAHP. Having a DC with a disability compounded that even more.

I have managed to get back into better paid work in the last couple of years but truthfully my lack of earning potential is a problem for him now too.

He's older than me, not in the best of health recently and would love to go part time or retire but we still have a mortgage and youngest DC to put through university so he can't because currently I don't earn enough and realistically it might take me a few more years to get my experience and professional development up to speed before I can go for the next rung up (which would still be less than half his salary).

This is the sort of scenario you should discuss with your DH now because nobody knows what the future holds especially as we age or suffer bad luck with health issues. If you can maintain some kind of career through these child care years so you don't lose all your potential then it's a safety net for both of you in the long run.

This will require him playing his part though and looking at the bigger picture rather than just his own ambitions. A lot of men are not great at doing this particularly at a point in life they are young and healthy and think it will always be that way.

I don't get it. You knowingly started a family with a man who doesn't have a family-friendly job. Your career hasn't taken a "back seat" because he is the higher earner, it's because he isn't there. There are a number of things you both could have done before you started a family. He could have got a more family-friendly job. You could have spent time training for a better career. You could have moved somewhere cheaper or adjusted your lifestyle so you could afford help. But instead, you both choose this life. Don't blame his job for this.

Worse is workaholic DH, never here. Although that is sometimes nice. Hard to keep things going as he often feels like a stranger.

Me too.

and my DH.