To wish I hadn’t married a man with a well paid job

This is our case too.
It's all about decisions and being very careful after you finish your university education to choose where you live, what steps you are taking to build the live you want. We have good jobs but did not chose not to have the type of jobs you need to travel except for maybe twice or three times a year. We have flexibility. I didn't want the husband with the big job who was never going to be home and I told this to him from the start.

We are in a partnership In our marriage. It was very tough going and expensive when they were very small as we have three kids. The children benefit from having us both doing things with them (still now veing teens) and most importantly for me is that they are learning mum and dad can both be high earners and have a family too.

I don't think @lolly792 was referring to OP specifically. They were replying to my own post, which was about society generally

Re @lolly792 I agree that I often see posts where women complain that their partner / husband doesn't eg stack the dishwasher or fold clothes "correctly" (aka not my way). Not accusing OP of that

OP look. I'm a lone parent, have been for 15 years and I have a full on career, am now very senior.

You work around these things, you have to pay for childcare yes, you find someone who can do school pick up, take care of the DC, start dinner. Whether that's a childminder, local student, au pair. You and your DH need to talk through the options.

You make it work. All I hear is barriers from you to prioritise your own career.

To say both careers are equally important doesn’t address financial issues. My DH earns more than 10x what I do (net). It would be ridiculous to ask him to cut back so I could work more. The impact on our lifestyle and retirement plans is not worth it.

And this is just made up nonsense. No evidence whatsoever that the OP is remotely possessive over her children or thinks she can do things better. I've never micromanaged anyone in my life.

But that's exactly what the OP wants equal careers. Have you not read her posts? She couldn't get wrap around care. It's the usual story of posters fitting the 'facts' to fit their narrative.

In any case I don't care what you think the OP should have done. I was just offering her some empathy instead of the customary MN judgement.

Both mine and my husbands careers have stalled since having children. I dont think there is any shame in that. We couldn't meet the demands of our workplaces and what our children needed (sen, part time school, no childcare) We both made lots of changes at work that mean we aren't where we would have been.

@NeedToChangeName yes.

And equally, women need to let their partner be hands on with looking after the baby and doing stuff around the house without micro managing or insisting on doing things their way.

Too often you see women being possessive over things - they often don't want to share parental leave, or are more than happy to reduce to part time hours, encouraging their dh to stay full time and earn bigger bucks to facilitate it. And then a few years down the line, they're complaining that their dh doesn't do enough at home. And complaining they don't have the same earning power and progression as their dh.

The clue is in the word partnership. Create the partnership you actually want day to day.

I think it’s more flexibility. My husband earns well but in a job with long hour and zero flexibility. It’s not a job that can have much flexibility due to the nature of it. So my career since kids has been about working around them.

Yes it’s annoying but still lucky to have a good income which luckily he’s always shares fairly.

I think some of the replies are a bit disingenuous

MN is full iof higher earning women who fulfill their 50% share of domestic responsibilities

IRL, the "man with a big job" tends not to, and it falls on women

This is a shit model and not what I'd want for my children, but it's hard for individual women to fight against it

We need society to change eg men to be despised by other men for not pulling their weight st home, rather than being admired for having a "big job" that requires long hours and travel. Judgement from other men would have more effect than complaining by women

@Fishystripe I disagree. I wouldn't describe dh and I as having had high flying jet setting careers. We just recognised that we were both equally capable (we met at university so had the same level of education - just like many other couples) and we went into marriage expecting a partnership where we both had a good work life balance. Neither of us pushing ourselves into jet setting careers to earn mega bucks where family time would be seriously impacted. But equally, neither of us seeing our work life as 'lesser,' and just giving up work or reducing to part time and ending up doing all the housework.

I don't think we're that unusual. Not many couples especially nowadays want a set up where one is basically provider, with the Important Job and the other is responsible for all things domestic and child related.

No one arrives out of the blue in this situation, two children down the line. Choices are made.

In the OP's situation, aside from anything else, she could have returned to work after the first child, when incomes would easily cover one set of childcare costs. Seems she chose to reduce to part time and have another child and is now complaining her dh earns too much!

I completely get it OP. These threads invariably attract high achievers who have the kind of job that means you can afford to have expensive childcare or demand your partner takes an equal load. Or people who are worse off and think you shouldn't ever complain about anything.

Some ridiculous suggestions here. In the real world it would be ridiculous even if your DH did earn a lot more to hire a nanny to cover a full time job that is never going to lead to high earnings. My DH was a much higher earner and he would never have paid for a nanny to cover the full time hours given that I was never going to earn squillions.

It is frustrating to feel that it's always you that has to juggle though. It would feel much more like teamwork if you could share the mental load and the juggling.

😂😂

You can always go back working after the children are at school or go back when you feel ready and pay for a Nanny between you both.
Your DH's job does give you options that others don't have.

Three members of my family are civil engineers. The work for local authorities and a large national company. None travel, aside from the 2-3 work trips a year that most jobs entail. Is this really the barrier you mean to having a career with kids? Did you mean you think you need a job where you literally never have to do an overnight in Birmingham? That would be a real pity, and you're right, it doesn't sound like you could have a career if that's your self-imposed barrier.

For the record, in my job, I travel maybe 3-4 times a year for work. It never occurred to me to describe that as having a job where you need to travel. That's a very manageable amount of travel when you have kids. I thought we were talking about a pilot or trucker or something.

I second this (although I don't so housework... That I outsource).

I earn much more but for years I was default parent because my job was more flexible.

Earning more does not make you exempt from parenting!

@Needanewname42

I knew a lady who did have twins in a professional role who ended up taking 2 years leave of absence because her entire salary would have gone on nursery fees.

There have always been couples who both work even when childcare costs equate to one income.

DH and I did. Not twins, but this was back in the days before any free childcare hours. Mat leave was also much shorter which meant the window of paying full fees was much longer - we paid full fees from when I returned to work with a 3 month old until they started school. Then it was wraparound care with a childminder.

I don't think we were that unusual. Many people stay in work for career progression, to keep up occupational pension fully etc

The OP has made different choices, to prioritise her DH's work. There are things which could have been done differently - discussing before having kids what they wanted from day to day family life, reconsidering working patterns, living somewhere with more childcare options.

No one suddenly finds themself with two kids, a dh earning almost 100k, a very comfortable lifestyle but too rural for much childcare! You don't just find yourself plonked in that scenario - there are choices and decisions which have led to those circumstances.

It's very much coming across that the OP has welcomed the advantages of a higher earning dh and the lifestyle it affords, but also wants to whinge about it.

I earn significantly more AND do basically all the child care. And housework. I don't think so much it's the money, it's the fact that you're a woman... we still live in a world where those things fall to women predominantly.

Also, with my much better job I get almost 45 days holiday, DH has 20. Guess who has to take every holiday day of the kids are sick/ we don't have child care etc etc? Me. Most of my holiday is spent on child care. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with her but it causes resentment from me because I'm always having to use up my holiday and resentment from DH because he doesn't get to spent time with kids.

The grass is always greener 🤷‍♀️

Absolutely.

OP, sorry but this assumption that because he got there first in terms of hitting the bigger pay packet that always HAS to be the case is nonsense.

Presumably he is also older than you (culturally most couples have an older male partner) which means he is also X years ahead of you in terms of uplift in income amounts. That should be factored in.

You MUST fight for the equal recognition of your earning potential, and also your wellbeing. If that means things need to change and he needs to sacrifice for a while so you can get your career reaching its potential, then so be it - it’s called partnership.

Civil Engineering need to go where the jobs are.

So every single person in your industry works in a job that requires regular travel? What is the industry?

The two in nursery stage for most families these days is a relatively short period of time.
Most parents are making use of 9mths maternity/parental leave. And then getting 30 nursery hours at 3. So for most families the window of paying for full fees is about 27 mths. (36 mth - 9mths )
Unless you have twins the max time people would be paying for two kids in nursery at the same time would be 17mths (two kids with 10mth age gap)

I knew a lady who did have twins in a professional role who ended up taking 2 years leave of absence because her entire salary would have gone on nursery fees.

A nanny is out of reach for most families, partly because you become an employer, need to pay employers NI and their are no tax breaks unlike nursery or childminders.