To wish I hadn’t married a man with a well paid job

I work in an investment bank and go to plenty of panel events and fireside chats focused on D&I , parents, women's careers.... and I see where OP is coming from and the posters saying you can have a career as you have a choice to get a nanny etc.

The MD women panelists talk about how they manage motherhood... and unless they are the high earner in the relationship (and the father does the bulk) it's all about outsourcing childcare - pay for it - nanny / have a live in nanny / boarding school / family support - the head of a business once said she had the same live in nanny for 18 years.....

1. maybe the £ that we are talking about is not that much to get the live in nanny or nanny for he OP
2. maybe the parents decide they don't want all childcare outsourced so of course the lesser earner in this current climate will be the one who steps up.
3. It's not a utopia where we can all have fulfilling jobs and not worry about £.

I took a back seat for 10 years as i had 3 children, then had a massive uptick for 2 years as my husband took it a bit easier then he got a new job with much more responsibility and £. he does cook put the washes on tidy up and do drop offs and pick ups activities etc but I am much more concious that I need to take that flattening career trajectory again for a while just for our family.

If it was that well paid you’d be able to afford additional childcare and be free to pursue your career. So maybe you should wish to have married a man with a better paid job?

Im the high earner (double my husband), with a longer commute and more stressful role and we split it by him doing drop off and me doing pick up. Both of us take time off if child is unwell. Both of us therefore have equal career opportunities. When they're in nursery it's possible, imagine school years are harder. Our 2yo is in nursery 8-5.30.

Like you said though, both parents. Not just the mother deciding about career vs motherhood because it isn't necessary. A woman can do both.

OK badly put, employed by a limited company that i owned.

You make no sense.

I am the higher earner here. Almost double what my husband makes. But I also end up doing most of the household chores, cleaning, childcare, finances etc. I'm better at it. And my hours fit better.
Who earns more should have nothing to do with it.
As others have said, you need to negotiate with your other half and get him to pull his weight so you can concentrate on your career if that is what you want.

Decisions like that do have to be made when a new child comes along, and by both parents together, not just the mother. We are in a sucky situation in the UK where house prices have skyrocketed to silly levels yet wage growth has been pitiful by comparison. This means in a lot of cases if a couple wants decent jobs and to live in an area that isn't regularly on fire, both of them have to work in order to cover the mortgage. That leaves the question of who looks after children during the hours when both parents are at work. The options I can think of are:

1. If the finances allow it, one parent gives up work and raises the children whilst the other is the bnreadwinner.
2. Grandparents look after the children during working hours.
3. Pay for a childminder.

I was born and brought up in scenario 1, my mother gave up the potential of a teaching career to bring me up whilst my father went out to work. This was doable as my father had bought the house outright (before I was born) thanks to a loan from his stepfather. It did ultimately result in issues for my mother down the line, for example her lack of financial independence (including lack of private pension) and the risk of being trapped in the marriage (my father could be a very difficult person so she would not be in a position to walk out). I can easily see how things have got much worse since then and even in the current days of supposedly greater equality, women still suffer from a wage glass ceiling in the workplace and are still expected to be the ones to raise the children at home if one parent has to stop work. It is crap, but I do not see a silver bullet solution, it took decades to get into this situation as a country and it will likely take decades to get out of it if we ever do. In the meantime, certain choices have to be made in many households likely to the detriment of one or both of the parents.

Parents, like anyone else, should be able to choose which they prefer. If a couple wants to do it as a stay-at-home or part-time and a full-on, they should have the choice to do that.

Of course you can have both. Women shouldn't have to decide between a career or parenting.

Important to aim for a career you'll enjoy and find satisfying.

Try living on minimum wage. You'll then have something to moan about

I do get where you’re coming from, the whole “what if”.

Honestly, I’ve had the whole career and gone part time. At the time I realised happiness didn’t come from a career. Now I’ve switched to a family friendly job I do sometimes get a little whistful, but always remember it’s where your heart is where you’re happy.

Be happy and honoured! When I was working FT in career I looked upon the SAHM with jealousy, they didn’t have to do what I do or rely on themselves. Enjoy life however!

If women continually moan about loss of career, earnings. It's simple, don't have children.
Sometimes you can't have both. Yet, you blame men for carrying on with their careers and paying the bills and bemoan them not giving birth. It's basic biology, what are men supposed to do. Not have kids as well. Then what?

Get a nanny so you can work when you want and the nanny does the children's requirements.

@LondonLawyer yes, of course couples can decide how to carve things out and if it suits them to have one high flier high earning parent as sole earner, and the other as a SAHP then that's up to them. But that's only going to work if both parents are genuinely happy with their role. And it also makes sense for the SAHP to protect themself financially in case the unthinkable happens and their partner dies/ can no longer work/ leaves them.

But honestly, in the 21st century it shouldn't be a surprise that many couples don't want that set up. Often both partners are equally well qualified. They are just as capable and don't want to give up their work life or put it on the back burner. And often both partners want a good work life balance where they get time with their children and get stuck into family life. Not working crazy hours as sole earner.

Dh and I are late 50s with grown up kids now and we certainly wouldn't have wanted one of us to give up their career; I'd imagine it's even less the case now

Check with your Accountant at one point i was self employed, but through a Limited company.
The company paid my childcare to a certain value, but I believe for the company to do it, it had to be open to all employees. Which it was Me. It's a long time ago so rules might have changed but it might be worth looking into.

Best response 😊

Doesn't necessarily work - there have been various schemes since DS1 was born 19 years ago, and none of them have covered us. We can't be companies, for example, which has knocked off some. DS2 is young enough for us to qualify still, but we never have been able to.

I'm sorry but that is the most self entitled headline post I've seen. I know I'm revality new on this platform but come on. And yer I can't spell even with spellchecker. Maybe just me , us retired pirates. When we don't get that rum shot. Grumpiness ensures.. arrrrr. ⚓

we won't have equality until senior male employers are doing the school run and therefore stop discriminating against women who leave work to do the same

Lots of fathers at the school gates these days especially with the ability to work from home for many professionals. It is not the rarity it used to be.

I do agree that a couple with equal jobs is better for equality than one big and one small with strict division of labour (which almost inevitably means the lower earner, often woman, picking up the lion's share domestic/childcare tasks).

That way, school runs and looking after sick children can be shared so it is not always one person who has to do it. Hence both parties can keep their career progression.

I guess OP has boxed herself into a situation where her dh travels a lot and she cannot WFH most of the time. When my dcs were young, I picked my jobs with logistics in mind. This is one area OP and her dh will have to look into if she wants to keep her career on track.

IMHO, with parents working sensible hours and is better for equality than the "man with a big job / SAHM model"

And, the latter makes the former more difficult to achieve

we won't have equality until senior male employers are doing the school run and therefore stop discriminating against women who leave work to do the same