To wish I hadn’t married a man with a well paid job

It can but it doesn't have to, it is very often a choice.

I'm in a senior role in a male dominated industry. Having 3 children hasn't stopped me because I made sure that it wouldn't.

For sure- I’m coming from the perspective of a high intensity job where there are very few females like 10% in senior roles in some specialties in many ways because of the physical and child caring side of it. Night shifts etc it’s harder with breastfeeding. Idk I’m all for feminism and positivity but just to acknowledge the lived experience of OP and not promote toxic positivity I think it’s worth admitting that children can significantly impact women’s careers in a way that just isn’t experienced by men. If you work within daycare available hours and don’t ever have to work out of hours, and also live somewhere with affordable housing, then you’re probably all good and no changes to your life required.

If you keep telling girls that they automatically work 'one gear lower' and don't progress in their careers while pregnant, and that breastfeeding means they have to accept their work life being on the back burner - well, that's a terrible message to project.

And I certainly wouldn't propose that women do everything - quite the opposite. Pick a man who shares the load. Earning and child/ domestic load.

Mothers have to sacrifice so much of themselves to have children

No we don't.
I married a man who earned significantly more than me at the time. This was partly due to the fact he was 11 years older and therefore more established in his career.

I didn't take a step back and now I'm catching him up. Just because you're a lower earner and a woman doesn't mean you have to take a step back. That's a choice you make as a family.

Someone doesn't always need to step down. Of course women can do everything if they want to.

I do everything and I'm not at all confused. My daughters won't be either.

There’s no rule but when housing costs combine with childcare costs (long gone is the EU world of au pairs) and someone needs to step down and one of the someone’s has already been working one gear lower- puking fainting giving up progression/new challenge opportunities for nine months- and is now breastfeeding and the other someone has a higher salary….

JK women can definitely do everything with no compromise keep telling girls that and act shocked when they feel guilty and confused on the other side

theres a nice book about this by Elizabeth Warren called the Two Income Trap

Exactly.
Men never say things like that.

The phrase 'having it all is meaningless.' Just ditch it!

Having a job and having children isn't 'having it all.' It's just normal life, what millions of parents do. In many couples, both parents work, there's no rule that says the lower earner must stop.

Does this not just highlight that you can't have it all and do it all, as we are told we should be able to as women? When you have children, you have to make sacrifices, if you don't want to, don't have children. It will always be the higher earner that will continue to work, whether that be the male or female, you just can't ha e it all and do it all by yourself. As others have said, you need to employ help.

I do think that's changing. We've got c-suite level on part time hours. Unfortunately it did need men/fathers to start going part-time for it to be suddenly possible at senior levels but I've seen a definite change over the last decade.

Yes, exactly. Individual families nay choose to do what suits them, but the BIG JOB / SAHM model is bad for equality in wider society

Mothers have to sacrifice so much of themselves to have children

They don't. Some do. Some do so willingly, others do so but feel resentful of their partner expecting it of them. Others don't sacrifice themselves at all.

It's so negative to perpetuate this type of thinking that mothers have to sacrifice themselves. Sure, having children is the ultimate change in the lives of a couple. It needs a lot of honest discussion about what each partner wants to life to look life after having a child, it's hard work, it requires adjustment, taking responsibility for this new little person in the family. But it absolutely does not mean the mother has to sacrifice 'so much of themself.'

Theoretically one partner can ‘work less’ but practically that’s hard to achieve. Most highly paid jobs don’t have the option of doing fewer hours for less pay. They are generally all or nothing, sadly. A career change would be the only other option but this is difficult too when you need to carry on earning to support a family.

Mothers have to sacrifice so much of themselves to have children

No, we don't.

This post resonates with me. I got stuck in a job I really disliked for years because it fitted in with with childcare. Mothers have to sacrifice so much of themselves to have children ( and yes it nearly always the mother)
It takes a big effort to reframe your life, to try enjoy the mundane moments of child rearing a little more and start planning more long term for how you want your life to look when the children become more independent.
Hugs xx

It was probably the same for us. I know the actual nursery fees were equivalent to one salary once we had two children there, and with the added costs of commuting and work clothes, it probably did, for several years, actually cost us a bit more to both go to work than for one of us to give up. But that's just in terms of immediate money in your pocket. Taking into account career progression and pension, we were both far better off remaining in work.

I'm fairly sure that we'd have been significantly better off if I hadn't gone back to work after DS1 was born, after maternity leave, because of childcare costs. I was in my 20s, so not earning hugely, but I didn't consider not going back.

That's a great option if it's possible.

Not possible in our type of work, sadly, although it works very well for some self-employed people, such as my sister! But we can't be limited companies.

Oops sorry that was me 😂

@SouthLondonMum22 or

1. Both parents share the work and child caring in the early years

That seems pretty common in my circles these days - either both parents go part time for the pre school years, or they interleave the leave- so mum off for a year, dad off for a year etc.

Have you talked about this properly with your partner? If you think he would respond negatively there is perhaps a communication issue. Give it a go and maybe talk with him rather than speaking to us strangers who don't know the full background. If that doesn't work you might need to think again.

Both my husband and I are higher earners 100k+ each - sometimes his work is high pressure, sometimes mine, when it’s at the same time it’s tough, but we always get through it - we share parental duties 50/50, end of , sometimes it’s him at the assemblies/sporting fixtures sometimes it’s me.

I'm not sure that was the OPs angle.
If so, marry better men, have children with better men..They do exist, but probably don't earn as much. You have to make a decision early doors, Marry for 💕 Marry for 🤑

No you don't