To wish I hadn’t married a man with a well paid job

@SouthLondonMum22 - people can talk about their personal experience, but that's just them. Not all women find it easy to use childcare. Not all couples have comparable earnings. Not all couples can commit to staying in the same place, or country or in same career indefinitely. Sometimes couples make a conscious decision that one if them will compromise in terms of their career.And this can be very successful too - financially (for everyone), life-balance, independence, everything.

Also similar here. Though I'm the only one who travels for work.

@catcafeatno10
It's not unrealistic, just a different choice to yours

DH and I weren't, I think, rigid. But we did both have in mind the starting point that our careers were of equal importance, and our children equally our responsibility (after the baby stage, because he was rubbish at breastfeeding so I did it all..... ) . The actual pattern of our lives hasn't stayed the same, in any way, though. We met at university, both studying law, and had DS1 aged 26 and 27, and DS2 9 years later, so our working lives are not the same now as they were when DS1 was born, either.

The pattern varies from week to week or month to month too, depending on what each of us is doing at work, so at the end of this month DH will be away for 10 working days (coming home at the weekend). Once that went into his diary he told me, and I've made sure that I'm not going to be out of London in that fortnight, except for one two-day-overnight where I've sorted out DS2. But on other occasions it will be me doing something similar and DS2 will be filed under "DH is sorting".

The common thread though was that in general the boys were both our responsibility and our careers both equally important.

How is it unrealistic when they are generally talking about their own careers and choices they have made?

100% agree @LondonLawyer. My post wasn't about women who work in general. It was about the way MN threads about work / life balance tend to go. I find the it all a bit rigid and unrealistic.

Apparently pp wasn't talking about me but she pretty much used everything I commented above her comment as examples.

I don't think anyone thinks there is no career impact for a woman having a child - just being pregnant and giving birth in itself does have an impact. The extent to which that career-related impact continues past the infant's babyhood is more of a matter of choice for a mother, though.

The rest of your comments aren't necessarily correct either - there's no inevitability about a child being in full-time nursery from 3 months old if the mother's career is the focus, there are other possibilities (father looking after the baby, other relatives, childminder, nanny, for example). You can exclusively breastfeed for six months and partly breastfeed after that even if you do return to work at 3 months - I certainly did, both my sons only had breastmilk until six months and once they started eating food, partly breastmilk for a long time further.

Shared finances can also still be a thing, DH and I have always seen both children as our joint responsibility, both careers as equally important, and money is "ours" not "his" and "mine".

"if you’re financially reliant on a partner, and don’t work for years and years, your chances of getting a job that pays enough is considerably reduced."

Well yes quite possibly. But it's not a given. And you might not need to work in the future anyway, even if you split. It depends!

There's no way I with have married someone if it meant becoming a trailing spouse and not being able to pursue my own career.

That's not a life I've ever wanted.

People were saying they wouldn't compromise their career. Not that they didn't have to make any other choices.

Though I wouldn't consider them compromises because I wasn't going to breastfeed no matter what and I didn't feel in 'turmoil' at the thought of sending my babies to full time nursery.

How can you have financial independence in the event of a split by prioritising one person's career? Do you understand what financial independence is?

@PicturePlace - if none of that applies to you, then it doesn't apply. I didn't say having children is 'turmoil' - is that another post?

I was trying to say that when people say things like "I don't compromise because we both work 8-5 and the kids are in childcare" - well, that would sound like a compromise to many people. As for 'financial independence in the event of a split' - again, financial independence can be achieved by prioritising one person's career - if it pays off. It depends what it is!

If he earns more and is involved properly when he is there, don't complain - you're lucky. This was the case with us when we had small children, so we just regarded my income as a bonus. And I earned much more when they were older.
I should say that I was the child of a high-flying mother who worked long hours and I was brought up by nannies and au pairs. They were perfectly nice women, and I was not neglected - but I would much have preferred to see my own mum at the nursery and school gates. I swore my own kids would only see me or their dad.

Well, this is a goady post. Nice straw man you've set up there.

I took 6-7 months' maternity leave in each instance.

I didn't breastfeed because I didn't want to - nothing to do with work.

As for not liking spending time with our children, and not relating to the "turmoil" of having children, I am going to posit something controversial: maybe those of us who are successful in our careers are just capable, confident people. Maybe that's why we excel in our careers and also don't find parenting as difficult as some others seem to. I really like spending time with my kids, I'm a great parent, and I don't find it hard.

As for not relating to having high-earning partners, most high-earning women I know also have high-earning partners. I think capable, intelligent people tend to find each other.

As for shared finances, for those of us who run a household with another person, of course expenses are shared. Both me and my husband would also be able to be financially independent if we split; does this bother you?

TL;DR: successful women are often successful parents, too. We're good at things!

I wouldn't have married a footballer. I wouldn't have married anyone with a career that involved me having to follow them around sacrificing my own career.

Definitely wouldn't have had children with them.

@Frowningprovidence no one stays exactly the same! All relationships are about growing. But it's absolutely possible to talk through the really big issues before embarking on kids. Eg, how many kids? What if you can't have kids? Are both careers equally important?

And yes life throws curve balls. Eg if one of our children had serious medical needs which meant they couldn't go to nursery, dh and I would have had to rethink plans.
The unexpected can happen to anyone.

But too many women sleepwalk into just assuming their work life is less important. They default to doing all the caring, often most of the cooking , housework etc as well. Then realise further down the line (like the OP) that they're frustrated and wish they'd made different choices

@catcafeatno10 I assume in that case you consider whether you want to have children with a footballer who's playing at that level. Plenty of women do - there are loads of top footballers in their 20s and 30s with very young families. It wouldn't be the life for me. No way.

I married my husband young and quite frankly we both change all the time. We reacted differently to lack of sleep, differently to redundancy etc. I suppose every day is a choice to stay together, but who knows how that will pan out by tomorrow.

I am always surprised by the number of mumsnetters who both parents knew exactly how they woukd feel and react to everything and never had to change jobs Or never had any difficulty finding work so we're stuck with inflexible terms for a few years etc.

What if you were married to a footballer who was sold for £100 million or whatever it is they get sold for, but the team was in another country? You wouldn't say, 'no DH sorry, you can't take this opportunity as your job can't be prioritised under any circumstances, even if we all stand to benefit."