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Original poster

To wish I hadn’t married a man with a well paid job

489 replies

butteronthebread · 10/01/2025 16:35

DH earns well, not loads but realistically is always going to be more than me.

So as a result it’s naturally meant my career has had to take a back seat. I know some manage without any compromises but we’ve no additional support and someone does need to do the child related things so this lands on me.

its very much diamond shoes are too tight. And I know this. But sometimes I wish I had the luxury of working more.

OP posts:
Original poster
butteronthebread · 10/01/2025 16:47

jenevivech · 10/01/2025 16:45

I hear you OP, in a similar situation myself. Civil service job vs role with big earning potential and thrice as much monthly salary. We're lucky of course, but it's a no brainer which one of us should be part time and pick up the childcare slack, and then the gap widens. To the poster above who talks about nannies, au pairs etc - I want to raise my children and not outsource everything while also having a successful career. Unfortunately we have been told we can have everything but realistically we can't 100% and society hasn't caught up with this realisation yet.

Yes, this is our problem and plus we just aren’t in the nanny bracket if you like.

OP posts:
Original poster
butteronthebread · 10/01/2025 16:46

HotCrossBunplease · 10/01/2025 16:44

I don’t follow the logic. Why does him earning well mean your career has to take a back seat? Millions of couples both have high earning jobs!

I think if you both have high earning jobs it’s more equal, in a way.

If both earn quite well but modestly so if you like and one is away a lot - and then the other has to be around more because someone has to look after the children - then that’s how it is. If we both earned similar amounts I guess that would be different.

OP posts:
jenevivech · 10/01/2025 16:45

I hear you OP, in a similar situation myself. Civil service job vs role with big earning potential and thrice as much monthly salary. We're lucky of course, but it's a no brainer which one of us should be part time and pick up the childcare slack, and then the gap widens. To the poster above who talks about nannies, au pairs etc - I want to raise my children and not outsource everything while also having a successful career. Unfortunately we have been told we can have everything but realistically we can't 100% and society hasn't caught up with this realisation yet.

Original poster
butteronthebread · 10/01/2025 16:45

FoxtonFoxton · 10/01/2025 16:40

If your husband earns well you could afford childcare, be it a nanny, aupair, nursery....you could make it happen.

That’s the thing - he earns well but not THAT well. We use a nursery but obviously they aren’t 24/7.

@duckduckgooseduckagain - I’m aware but the thing is those things awful as they are aren’t part of my life. This is.

@Youtookmyhandle in theory yes. In practice I’m just not going to earn the same.

OP posts:
Nic834 · 10/01/2025 16:45

Me and my husband are in a similar situation. We don’t have children but my husbands out the house 14-15 hours a day so I just can’t see how it could possibly work with both of us working and kids. And nursery hours are what 8 until 6? I could not make that work with my job, there is no way, I would need far more hours than that and there are times I need to drop everything and just focus on work.

I came to conclusion long ago that you are much better off in so many ways including financially if you both have easier less well paid jobs where hours are sensible, rather than one person being forced to go part time or give up completely when kids arrive.

EauNeu · 10/01/2025 16:44

It's a BS excuse, I know plenty of men with lower earning partners who still do the school run, because it's important to them.

Do you have the appetite to train into something higher earning yourself, if that's what you want to do?

HotCrossBunplease · 10/01/2025 16:44

I don’t follow the logic. Why does him earning well mean your career has to take a back seat? Millions of couples both have high earning jobs!

ConflictofInterest · 10/01/2025 16:43

Why naturally? It's up to you and your partner to re-negotiate it if it's not working for you. I'm by far the higher earner but it's still been my career that's taken a backseat, it's me who does all the housework and childcare and drops work to collect sick kids etc while DH's job is always the priority. It's mostly by choice, he'd struggle to get another job as he isn't qualified and his job isn't flexible. I can earn more than him even whilst working part-time so that's what I do. Your partner could always do that too.

Youtookmyhandle · 10/01/2025 16:43

Would you be up for a swap?

Boomer55 · 10/01/2025 16:42

Count your blessings. 🤷‍♀️

ShaneFulorgy · 10/01/2025 16:41

Could be worse OP, your neighbours could be putting rubbish in your wheelie bin

FoxtonFoxton · 10/01/2025 16:40

If your husband earns well you could afford childcare, be it a nanny, aupair, nursery....you could make it happen.

mynameiscalypso · 10/01/2025 16:39

I don't think it's natural that your career has to take a back street. There's a big disparity in what DH and I earn but my job is just as important and we're 50:50 parents.

duckduckgooseduckagain · 10/01/2025 16:37

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