Page 19 | To wish I hadn’t married a man with a well paid job

Lilith666 · 10/01/2025 16:59

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CantHoldMeDown · 10/01/2025 16:58

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jenevivech · 10/01/2025 16:56

@AyrnotAir what I meant was - we, not I, don't want to outsource everything. We chose to have children and so we will do our best by them and not give them 50% effort and work 50% and do everything a little bit subpar.

There are only 24 hours in a day, someone needs to be able to sort medical appointments, school pick ups, help with homework. If my husband earns 3-4x what I do, it's a no brainer who will give that time to raising our children. And if I have to choose what to prioritise, my children or my career, I will always choose my children. That doesn't mean I don't value my career.

nobodysdaughter · 10/01/2025 16:56

@ShaneFulorgy good one, that's proper made me laugh

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butteronthebread · 10/01/2025 16:55

I don’t think you can force somebody to go part time and probably nor should you.

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Original poster

butteronthebread · 10/01/2025 16:55

ManchesterGirl2 · 10/01/2025 16:51

That's a lifestyle choice then. You could choose more equality in your relationship, more time with the kids for him, and less money overall. Might be a nicer lifestyle for both of you, though financially poorer.

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It is partly but realistically, I’m not sure what we could do.

Could I insist he quits his job? I’m not sure I could. And be a reluctant and resentful SAHD, or part time one? Hardly a good idea.

Re could I study - I have a degree. Im not stupid or badly qualified but just the same I’m never going to be a brain surgeon or city banker or anything.

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CantHoldMeDown · 10/01/2025 16:55

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EuclidianGeometryFan · 10/01/2025 16:55

Don't fall into the trap of comparing earnings and basing the domestic workload on that. Just because he earns more, doesn't mean he does less at home.

Instead, look at free hours and the leisure time you each get. If you are both full time, then you share housework (and childcare and mental load) 50/50 - he can't opt out just because his work is "tougher" and he claims to be more tired.

If your work hours are less, adjust the split accordingly. But make sure that he is not sitting on the sofa each evening, or going out, whilst you are still doing housework or running round after the children.

Original poster

butteronthebread · 10/01/2025 16:53

JRSKSSBH · 10/01/2025 16:49

A piss take of other thread I presume. Very amusing. The OP on that thread is a goady, self-regarding, attention seeking twit. Woe is me because I make £116k and DH makes £600k and I have to cook in the evening. Sob sob sob. The nanny, cleaner, dog walker, housekeeper and driver don’t help and it makes me feel under appreciated.

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I haven’t seen the other thread, I’m really sorry.

I genuinely wouldn’t have posted if I’d realised there was another thread. I mean that.

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JHound · 10/01/2025 16:53

Charming!

Huckyfell · 10/01/2025 16:52

Its only for a time, kids very soon grow up - just appreciate the fortunate (through hard graft) financial position you are in. Your work will soon be back. There are worse things to worry about such as health which can hit anyone anytime.

ThriveIn2025 · 10/01/2025 16:52

I was in a similar position when the children were younger and there were times when I felt resentful.
Once our youngest started school I got a job and told DH it’s your turn now. I still do all
pick ups and drop offs for logistical reasons but he does the sick days, he does the reading mornings and sports days. I can now focus on my job without guilt and it feels great.

AyrnotAir · 10/01/2025 16:51

jenevivech · 10/01/2025 16:45

I hear you OP, in a similar situation myself. Civil service job vs role with big earning potential and thrice as much monthly salary. We're lucky of course, but it's a no brainer which one of us should be part time and pick up the childcare slack, and then the gap widens. To the poster above who talks about nannies, au pairs etc - I want to raise my children and not outsource everything while also having a successful career. Unfortunately we have been told we can have everything but realistically we can't 100% and society hasn't caught up with this realisation yet.

That's nonsense, I'm in the same position as you and work for the civil service but full time. The only reason you aren't, is because you want to raise your children and not outsource everything. That's your decision then and why you work part time and dint have a successful career. It's not because of your dh job.

ManchesterGirl2 · 10/01/2025 16:51

butteronthebread · 10/01/2025 16:48

But if we’re going to maintain our lifestyles, it does. It just does and no amount of complaining changes that.

That's a lifestyle choice then. You could choose more equality in your relationship, more time with the kids for him, and less money overall. Might be a nicer lifestyle for both of you, though financially poorer.

HotCrossBunplease · 10/01/2025 16:50

butteronthebread · 10/01/2025 16:46

I think if you both have high earning jobs it’s more equal, in a way.

If both earn quite well but modestly so if you like and one is away a lot - and then the other has to be around more because someone has to look after the children - then that’s how it is. If we both earned similar amounts I guess that would be different.

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sounds like his job is pretty rubbish actually- only earns modestly but has to be away a lot. Your problem is you married someone with a job that is NOT great, rather than someone who is “well paid”.

BingoLarge · 10/01/2025 16:50

Why does your career count less just because you earn less? If you’re on the breadline, ok, but otherwise you should be sharing childcare etc. If not, it’s a vicious circle because you’ll never earn more if you deprioritise yourself and the gap grows and grows.

RandomButtons · 10/01/2025 16:50

butteronthebread · 10/01/2025 16:46

I think if you both have high earning jobs it’s more equal, in a way.

If both earn quite well but modestly so if you like and one is away a lot - and then the other has to be around more because someone has to look after the children - then that’s how it is. If we both earned similar amounts I guess that would be different.

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It’s nothing to do with earnings. There are many many women who have husbands with low earning jobs who’ve lost out on career choices/advancement because of childcare.

Instead of feeling sorry for yourself be grateful that you DH earns well and that you are more comfortable than most. Then work out his to change this and readdress the balance. It’s time to work on your career and he needs to help accommodate that. Childcare is not your responsibility alone.

BlossomOfOrange · 10/01/2025 16:49

I don’t think this is a problem with the disparity in earnings, it’s a problem with attitudes to money (and available time). If a ft teacher dad earns less than a pt management consultant mum, does that mean the dad does more of the joint parent duties?

JRSKSSBH · 10/01/2025 16:49

butteronthebread · 10/01/2025 16:35

DH earns well, not loads but realistically is always going to be more than me.

So as a result it’s naturally meant my career has had to take a back seat. I know some manage without any compromises but we’ve no additional support and someone does need to do the child related things so this lands on me.

its very much diamond shoes are too tight. And I know this. But sometimes I wish I had the luxury of working more.

A piss take of other thread I presume. Very amusing. The OP on that thread is a goady, self-regarding, attention seeking twit. Woe is me because I make £116k and DH makes £600k and I have to cook in the evening. Sob sob sob. The nanny, cleaner, dog walker, housekeeper and driver don’t help and it makes me feel under appreciated.

Simonjt · 10/01/2025 16:49

Why not divorce and marry a poor man?

My husband earns more than me, both our jobs are valued the same, neither career has taken a back seat compared to the other.

CantHoldMeDown · 10/01/2025 16:48

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butteronthebread · 10/01/2025 16:48

But if we’re going to maintain our lifestyles, it does. It just does and no amount of complaining changes that.

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SpringleDingle · 10/01/2025 16:48

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It's not a race to the bottom! OP can be frustrated that her career takes a back seat without that meaning she doesn't know others are worse off (in fact she acknowledges it).

ManchesterGirl2 · 10/01/2025 16:47

Unless you're struggling for money as a family and this is the only way to survive financially, then I don't think your career should have to take a back seat. Fairness, independence, job satisfaction, future-proofing in case he became unable to work... these are all important too. I'd push back on the assumption that his career comes first.

Original poster

butteronthebread · 10/01/2025 16:47

Nic834 · 10/01/2025 16:45

Me and my husband are in a similar situation. We don’t have children but my husbands out the house 14-15 hours a day so I just can’t see how it could possibly work with both of us working and kids. And nursery hours are what 8 until 6? I could not make that work with my job, there is no way, I would need far more hours than that and there are times I need to drop everything and just focus on work.

I came to conclusion long ago that you are much better off in so many ways including financially if you both have easier less well paid jobs where hours are sensible, rather than one person being forced to go part time or give up completely when kids arrive.

Yes, very similar situation here!

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