To wish I hadn’t married a man with a well paid job

DH is a higher earner, weirdly it means he actually has more flexibility than others because he’s highly trusted so he wanders out of the office at 4:30 a lot to watch Dd do her sport. I think honestly theres no reason you can’t be doing 50/50 I have a sibling where both parents have to travel, but they have some control so the kids are never left without one parent in charge. Their earnings aren’t the same but they both care about their careers so they split the workload. I think you need to start pushing back OP.

Nope. We've no family support either but value both of our careers equally despite DH earning 4 times as much as me.

We take it in turns to deal with child related stuff, for example, today school closed early due to the weather and DH collected them.

If you were travelling all of the time how do you split the housework and childcare?

I don't understand

I earn twice what my husband does and we split childcare and house stuff evenly.

I think you are right. Both having middle of the road jobs also means you get Child Benefit.

Can you stop working and retrain? Working in a miserable environment or a job that is lacklustre is a really miserable way to live. In your place I would look to change professions.

I hear what you are saying about little room for manoeuvre, because your dh doesn’t earn enough to make this easier for you to buy in help, and everything is falling to you.

Has he always been the higher earner? I mean, if you went into marriage and parenthood with him knowing this, then what did you think would happen when children came along? Especially as, by your own admission, you don’t make enough for a nanny. You must have known you would be the one to pick up the work involving raising the children.

Presumably it would also be a no brainer if he earned a lot MORE and travelled, because you could afford a nanny. Doesn’t that mean that what he currently earns is not enough, since for you “enough” would be an amount that lets you pursue your career.

A brain surgeon married to a city banker might find herself in your same predicament

I disagree with your premise because I'm the high earning one in our relationship, me and DH have always both worked full time and neither of us have had to put our careers on the back burner because we chose to have children.

If you wanted to continue to progress your career then you would be able to I find a way to make that work.

You grow up. It’s a public forum, anyone can post about anything. She’s not posting about money, she’s posting about her career taking a back seat and she acknowledges that others are worse off. Why make it a race to the bottom ?

I earn 2.5x what my partner does and my career definitely does not take priority over his. He actually had an amazing year at his job.

And this is the crux if it. It’s nothing to do with what he earns, it’s that he has a job that keeps him away from home. Do his skills and experience ONLY lend themselves to jobs that involve this much travel? Is he really being paid enough to compensate for the inconvenience and disruption?

Some jobs are just incompatible with an ideal family life. To do them you either need to have no kids or a spouse who has agreed to take on all the responsibility. If it turns out your spouse didn’t really think through all the consequences then you need to go back to the drawing board.

It isn't naturally though, is it? It's a choice. A valid choice but it is still a choice, not something you were forced to do because not everyone does make the same choice in the same situation.

You have a DH problem, he needs to step up and talk to his employer about flexible working. He'll bleat it isn't possible as he has a big menz job, but that isn't true.

Don't accept this shit OP.

@CantHoldMeDown that's great for you, but i would need to be at least 15 years older and more experienced to reach the max of my earning potential and it would still be 1/6 of my husband's future earning potential. Also, my husband is very hands on and involved with his children - the minutiae of child rearing is what I refer to - the drudgery some would say. Someone has to do it and sacrifice, and it makes full sense that the lower earner which happens to be me, does so. In doing so, we are saving for our children's future education and experiences and I'm willing to do that for them. That doesn't mean it isn't frustrating to have to do so

I get you.

DH’s job is more important to society than mine is, and if is becoming increasingly senior. It pays fine but not amazing. It’s the sort of job where he often can’t just drop things to help with the kids, or may suddenly find himself working several days straight with barely a break, or having leave cancelled.

As a result, while I’m fortunate I also earn reasonably well, I’m stuck in a role with little growth left and pretty much no option to move because I have been there so long I get the enormous flexibility I need to keep working and look after the kids around his work.

On the outside it must look absolutely rosy but there are times I’m really resentful that my career has ended up taking a back seat to his.

Oh behave yourself. People are allowed to have their own problems.

Starving and being poor has got nothing to do it.

Then how is it that he can demand that you're part time?

You both have responsibility for raising the kids, that should start from an assumption that you both take on 50% of the work.