To wish I hadn’t married a man with a well paid job

My dh earns twice what I do but we both value my career as much as his. I do more of the school stuff as I mainly wfh but I also need to travel for work and when I do dh has to step in. And he does. In my experience most men can work more flexibly than they do.

oh poor u! we feel so bad for you, for needing to take care of your own kids! that's really sad, i'm sorry it wasn't your option to have them and all. this is ridiculous, there's people with actual real problems in the world you know. if this was everyone's problems we would all be very happy

But it’s obviously never DH saying he can’t go away that week because butter has work stuff on. Default is he will go, and you can lump it.

What would happen if you had to go into hospital? Would he still HAVE to go to Poland? What if you separated - would he suddenly find he could be home more to have a regular contact schedule?

What envy?

OP you'll just have to ignore the posters who can't see past their envy.
I understand what you are saying. I think that where partners have equivalent earning potential, the ground is set for a happier split of all other household and parental duties, and this is a happier basis for a marriage/family overall, all other things being equal. It's not insurmountable if everyone's on board with righting the imbalance, but it's certainly harder.

In your hypothetical situation, you find a childminder who will do until 7:30 when you need it. Which is all entirely possible. Yes it might mean moving to a less rural area but that's a choice. Dh and I often had events that meant we needed to be at work very early or late and Sod's Law they often clashed - so we used childcare that fitted our needs. And this was god knows how many years ago when childcare was less available generally.

Or you can discuss with your dh how he can change to work which involves being away less.

I'd bet my bottom dollar he can find work which involves less travel - it just might not be on 100k salary! But then you can work more and things will be more equal.

You can either make changes or sit and moan about the life choices that have led to this point.

You're complaining that people are being harsh, but only because you seem to want to remain with the status quo rather than do anything to change it

Of course you don't. Does DH know that you dislike your job and want to do something else? If he doesn't, surely he wouldn't want to continue knowing that you are unhappy and want a career?

I get where you are coming from! No one is going to employee someone for ad hoc sick days, taking them to swimming or to the park after school, making the pack lunches in the morning and attending parents evenings. Keeping up with the emails, permission slips and dress down days can sometimes feel like a job in itself. I doubt your husband has the mental load for that when he’s already doing quite a high-pressure job. Naturally somebody’s got to pick up the slack. I know there were plenty of amazing women out there that hold down a full-time high pressure job while also taking on the full mental load, but I don’t think anyone could argue that it’s not incredibly difficult.

I understand this. We do okay but we still need all the money we can get to pay for childcare (and we're not currently saving anything at all) so it's important we bring in as much as we can.

I counted myself lucky that DH and I were earning the same so we swapped who was at home with the young toddlers. I then started earning a bit more so I could say I wanted to do FT while DH did PT yo look after the kids and it made financial sense so he agreed. It's allowed my career to progress to a point I should be able to get a more senior role. If DH had been earning a lot more, we would have just relied on his income.

It’s always a balance and compromise OP. I don’t think it’s a given that a higher earners job takes precedence and I know lots of men who are higher earners who still do a good chunk of school runs etc so their partners can carry on working.

You sacrificing a career and staying in a job you hate isn't a balance, it's DH not making any changes at all and you giving up everything. It isn't fair and it doesn't have to be the case.

You don't have to accept it.

Salaries aside, I do think it's hard for both parents to have jobs that involve a lot of travel / irregular hours. My DH earns more than me and has to travel fairly regularly, but I'm able to work full time in a well paid job too because it's local and generally 9-5. And when DH isn't travelling, he's doing his fair share of nursery runs and sick days. Also, he'll push back on work trips if they clash with an important work event I have. His job doesn't always automatically take priority.

Stump up for a nanny, ideally a live in nanny, which will be cheaper than live-out. With travelling and those hours, you need live in childcare.

Didn't you say that if you were both working full time, you'd be able to afford a nanny?

So as a result it’s naturally meant my career has had to take a back seat.

This doesn’t make any sense to me at all.

Billy Big Job thinks his career is more important is all this comes down to. Earnings are irrelevant. Your career is important to you.

Please stop this. Its just nonsense.

Trying to have a well paid job is not incompatible with having children.
In fact I do think it's good for them.
What do you tell your girls at secondary they need to absolute achieve their best when you gave up work?

We are both in well paid roles. It was tough when kids were small, as no family help but you can make it happen if both people are on the same page.

Our kids are teens now and so far doing very well at school, are happy and want to have good jobs/ careers in the future.
It's not what you say, it's what they see you do.

Sounds like excuses. Nothing is holding you back - if you wanted it you'd make it happen.

What would your career have been if you married a poor man?

That salary is a nightmare in itself and could be a post all by itself. Ridiculous situation that acts as a huge disincentive!