To wish I hadn’t married a man with a well paid job

@PicturePlace exactly. The OP will throw up barriers whatever is suggested.

With her most recent post about knowing loads of childminders 'but I wouldn't leave my kids with any of them', you can just see how it's playing out.

Even if she did bite the bullet and move the family somewhere less rural with childminders on the doorstep and better career opportunities, she'd find fault with all the childcare options.

The fact is, some people would rather remain in their comfort zone but whinge about it rather than making changes. Sounds more and more like the OP likes the dh earning almost 100k, likes the lifestyle it brings and wouldn't want to get a job herself that would involve the work and time away that her dh's does. But she's also resentful of having a part time job and doing more domestic stuff. You just can't win with some people.

That's shit. It makes me feel lucky that my OH has supported me in my career, despite me earning less than him sometimes.

Can feel like a job. How is realism sexist? I don’t think it should be the women the steps back, both parents should but the world isn’t set up like that. Anyone earning 6 figures walking out of a big meeting to pick up their sick kid would not go down well. My highest earning female friend is only able to do her job because her husband works from home and does most of the mental load.

It's not tough as hell! What are you all doing that's so difficult?! Get home, make dinner, put kids in bed.

Agree that it's not a race to the bottom but it's in poor taste to post exact salaries. But I'm biased; I work with children whose families need to use food banks, who have no housing security at the mercy of vile landlords, who need support with furniture and warm coats and shoes for their child and whose parents are on minimum wage with one parent working nights and the other days which is grim for family life. So my sympathy for OP in the way she has presented this is relatively limited.

The thing is OP, full-time work and having children is tough as hell.

For everyone.

You take one step at a time. First you get the better job that you want. Then deep breaths, then you work out how to make it work, as a family, not just you doing everything.

Buy in some help, do some of your work (or all from home)

One step at a time.

Or says it's too difficult and enjoy what you have.

He's very good at his job and probably has more flexibility than me but when it starts to affect the business or things aren't getting done cause can't stay late or whatever the wheels come off and the shit hits the fan. And I'm sure there will be times where we can look at what we both have on that day and say I can work from home or it won't be a problem for me to stay home today but the issue is the times where you both have stuff you need to attend who's bridges do you burn? In an ideal world no one's but we don't live in an ideal world, sacrifices need to be made it's balancing out the greater good and being able to pay your bills every month is the greater good.

Unfortunately for the 3.12 million of us in the UK in the last two year, it is a concern.

I think it's a perfectly valid concern. DH was making double my pay or more when we had DC, so I stepped back with a four day work week and doing all the pickups, etc. Yet I was extremely ambitious and my career is more of a vocation and passion to me, while his is more of a grind but handsomely paid because of specialised skills. I found the whole situation really shitty and sometimes wished I was the higher earner. His job always came first, and still does, even though I've had more success than he has as far as rising to the top of our professions. And because he makes more, he still sometimes treats my job like it's a hobby. I'm in the top 2% of earners and known in my industry. He's a foot soldier at his, but he's a top 1% earner. It continues to give him a get-out clause for doing anything domestic, because he feels like he's the provider. If I hadn't cared about my job, it might have been easier. At one stage I was paying to work because of the childcare and travel costs. But it was my vocation/identity and I wouldn't have stopped.

It's a shame that OP's DH can't be bothered to the point he works away so much. Or does it only apply to mothers?

I see what is happening here. It's called self-obstacling. It's when someone is afraid they will fail, so places barriers in their own way, i.e. reasons they can't try.

There's lots of great advice on here, OP, if you want to take it. The only person keeping you in a job you don't like and in a rural area is you.

It’s not a race to the bottom. Some people have concerns that don’t include using food banks🤷‍♂️

@OneBadKitty miaow!!

No, those of us with careers don't find looking after our children 'a chore' and working preferable. We just realise that we're good at both - and both are enjoyable!

My OH is a high earner. When they are around they would always do a dropoff, or pickup from school.

You need to check out what jobs can be.dobe from home,.and work towards getting one of those. Plus live between a primary and secondary school (v.close to them).

This is how we managed. Then take all the before and after school clubs 🤣

Why do men bother having children if they're going to work?

Well you might have to look a bit harder if you actually want to solve your problem.

This ⬆️. Many times over…

I was in the same situation- I relished being able to look after my child and do all the child things- why else would I have bothered having them if that was a chore and working was preferable?

🎻. Worlds tiniest violin…

Read
The
Room
OP
🙄

It's obviously not a job in and of itself. Jesus Christ, the rest of us manage to work and have kids. It's not rocket science. Stop enabling this sexist message that people can't have two careers, and that one needs to take a back seat. Absolute rubbish.

But what do you mean by protecting his job? If a man in a senior role gets sacked for taking days off when his kids are sick or for leaving on time to do the nursery run, they're probably not that good at their job.

It's not impossible it's priorities.

If you died he'd have to figure it out and he would.

For your scenario in March you find a babysitter or even ask a school friend.

I've helped out others before. My ds has complex special needs so I couldn't request in return often but a few times here and there people have been able to help me out.

On the flip side if he died you'd have to figure this out too and you would manage because you have to.

I know these are dark scenarios but I speak from experience. If you had to you could. You're in a much better position than most.