One child has inherited AGAIN

You should leave everything to your child that has missed out. I'm not sure why that is a difficult decision to make. If one child has been given a lot then of course you'll give what you can to the child that didn't get. I got absolutely nothing so just be glad you're from the kind of people able to do these things as for a lot of us, especially millennials, we can't even get in a position to buy our own homes let alone have someone set us up or leave us theirs.

She's dead. She could have at least given something to make the child feel they were part of the family instead of being a miserable old cow.

So you don't expect elder son to inherit from step-family, and acknowledgesnothers can do what they want with their money, so what would you rather have happened? That your younger son doesn't inherit anything either so they are all "equal"?

Move on and be glad that at least one of them got a massive leg up the property ladder (this seems to be the focus somewhat). There is no info on your DCs (or maybe I missed it) but unless they are already well past middle age with established life paths, how do you know your elder son won't succeed financially on his own accord and not having to "rely" on an inheritance?

I had understood the young man who inherited from his grandmother was an adult?

this is surely therefore his personal, financial business. The lady was not the older son’s grandmother. Therefore what level of transparency is required.

one day the older son will inherit his dad’s house. Will he have to declare the details of this to his younger half brother? Even though they don’t share a dad?

I think this thread highlight the perils of step-families - it highlight I am very unlikely to create a blended family and I hate that I have half siblings. With that being said it doesn't bother that my siblings will inherit differently. I wouldn't have been upset if either of my parent amended their will to try and even things out. I personally do not care about receiving money from any step relatives. My father called me a couple of years to discuss my inheritance and the house he shares with his ex-wife. I couldn't care less about anything he owns with his current wife - she is not my mother.

You can’t be sure he’d understand at all. You’d like to believe he would, but such action can have its own, equally destructive, ramifications. OP wouldn’t be righting some wrong done to her eldest.

There’s a huge difference between a parent treating children unequally, and a relative that isn't shared doing so.

Yes it is very sad and I understand how upset you feel. In my family a few rungs up the family tree, the only male out of 5 siblings inherited the large house and land whilst the sisters got a few grand. It was common in those days. But it did mean that one line of the family became much more wealthy than the rest. Inherited wealth passed down the generations does make a big difference to generations of lives - not just to your immediate children.

There is of course nothing you can do legally about how others have chosen to distrubute their wealth on their deaths (I know you know this already). But you can do something to address the mismatch of inherited wealth in your own will. It is nothing to do with your partner what you decide about your own money. That you are not married probably legally makes a difference also. Personally I would do exactly that and leave all of my wealth to my least wealthy child if the other was very well off. Although I would be upfront about everything with your children and DP so they understand your reasons (even if they do not agree).

When contesting a will the courts consider the needs and housing of related adults with an interest in the will I believe. so this is a relavant factor (I may have phrased that incorrectly as I am not a solicitor).

Distribution of wealth is always unfair. But I think it will help make you feel a little better if you address it in your will. You could always leave something sentimental to your other son.

It’s up to the adults that have inherited to decide whether they wish to share their financial information. It isn’t for OP to make that call for them.

Sadly I don't think there is anything you can do. Many situations however lead to vast differences in the lives of siblings. It's the quality of the lives that matter, not always directly related to the amount of money. It's very important however that you don't make or encourage any comparisons between the two boys and their lives. This is both important both for them and for yourself. Enjoy your sons.

What nonsense. This situation needs transparency.

As for the disparity, annoying as it is… it is, what it is. My sibling retired in his thirties after selling his business. We are still siblings. The money doesn’t matter.

I find all this skipping generations to avoid money going to step kids, just giving money to boys, and insisting everything is secret pretty grim. I know people do it but I would loose trust in your partner, he seems to think its ok, I would make sure your eldest is provided for in your will as I wouldn't trust him to.

You concentrate on giving a message of how the younger one has met with random good fortune and actively steer away from any suggestion the older one has lost out or is less deserving.

If it's a lot of money so that the circles they move in will be different then your older child may benefit from access to a circle they wouldn't have done otherwise.

You bring up both your children to value people for their value not their wealth and you teach them via demonstration to think about how someone with less money (but as much worth) can be helped to join in whilst not patronising them. That will help your younger one access some of the advantages.

I would perhaps favour one in terms of help or in a will if it meant both children could be on the property ladder or if it meant they could avoid specific debt etc but otherwise would try to keep even.

I don't know the sex makeup of the rest of the grandchildren but wondered if the MIL brother was evening up the division a bit by only allowing the males to inherit. (If the 3 siblings are girl heavy)

The reality, I'm afraid, it's that the richer one may have an easy life and the poorer one struggle or alternatively the richer one may grow into an arsehole and blow it all and finish up destitute whilst the poorer one may learn the need for hard work and diligence and make a mint. In some ways avoiding the latter should be your focus.

My brother and I have the same inheritance still different lives. He earns 20 times more than me a year and lives in a house that is 10 times more expensive than mine.

What does inheritance have to do with how well you do in life.

Have you been in this position, and done as you have said? It's just that you say, "One thing you know for sure..."

I do think it's extremely easy for one to say what they would do, especially with large sums of money, when only hypothetically speaking.

I usually get the feeling that a person using these words is trying to force their feelings onto someone else and make them feel wrong, guilty, or even foolish if they don't take on that other person's feelings or act on them.

I think the best thing you can do is push the importance of education. The better they educate themselves, the more choices they will have later in life. Money offers you choices, but it also comes and goes.

Talk to the youngest son and explain that you’ll be making adjustments to your will. I’m sure they will understand.

The message that your partner thinks you’ll be leaving is that you don’t love your youngest son as much as your eldest. Explain that isn’t the truth. Ask your youngest son, if there’s anything special of yours you would like to directly to him. Talk to him like an adult. I’m sure he will understand.

You can also give sums during your lifetime, to the eldest son. You have to be careful and stipulate in your will that you intend for the eldest to have the largest share though.

This isn’t the crisis you think it is. You also don’t have to tell your partner anything. You aren’t married, your estate doesn't automatically pass to him.

@EWAB , I can empathise with your sadness that you can’t make things ‘fair’ financially for your two sons. Unfortunately, life can be (and often is) unfair in myriad ways - many of which are random and not due to life choices. Financial disparity will only cause division between your sons if they choose to let that happen.

The way your dp’s family are trying to keep inheritance secrets from one another is a case in point. Even if your youngest DS keeps his latest inheritance secret (and his male cousins do the same) unless they stick it all in the bank and never buy anything much with it, it will be blindingly obvious they’ve got these huge sums of money from somewhere! I’d hazard a guess your older ds and the other relatives being kept in the dark are likely to be more upset if they feel they’ve been deceived than if the beneficiaries told them the truth from the outset!

Come what may, love, health, integrity and happiness are far more important than money and these are the things that all the money in the world cannot buy. You’ve only got to listen to some of the vindictive, bitter and twisted rantings of multi billionaires who’ve been in the news recently to see that!

It sounds like you’ve always tried really hard to be a good mum to both your sons and loved them fairly, acting with honesty and integrity. Maybe one way you could try to come to terms with financial differences between your two sons is to consider how you can continue to show them you love them both equally whatever their financial or any other circumstances may be. A fair share of your love is worth far more than money!

Reaching a bit there aren’t you?

So much this that I wonder whether the reason OP isn’t married to her partner/bf is precisely because he and his family want to keep her and her son at a distance. I wouldn’t be impressed with any boyfriend who did this to me.

OP, if I had to explain this to one of my children I would equate it to a lightning strike. Nothing to do with deservedness or not. Some people get good luck sometimes, like a windfall. Some people don't get it. Some less fortunate people get struck down by illness. Again, nothing to do with deservedness or not.

This is circumstance; nothing more than that.

There is absolutely no scope for any of that inheritance to be 'redistributed' and it would be very wrong. Likewise, leaving an unequal split yourself is also ill-advised given how easily people equate inheritance with love.

One common factor across cultures, and throughout history, is the importance placed on blood relationships. It’s disingenuous to deny this. Is it the only form of kinship? No, of course not, but it is the dominant one.

Adoption establishes a legal relationship that simply marrying someone that is a parent does not. Even so, there are still plenty of people that would consider adopted relatives differently to their blood relatives, rightly or wrongly.

When I was at school, many years ago, Prizegiving Night was eagerly anticipated by pupils and parents to see who'd been awarded what. It was a fair process with many prize recipients already known as in they 'came first in class' or 'received no late notices' or some other quantifiable quality. Then there were the ones awarded by the pupils or teachers submitting nominations, and these were the most sought after.

I think today's habit of schools giving everybody a prize so no one feels left out is raising unrealistic expectations that their lives ahead will be fair and that they're entitled to what other people have.

I don't think they have quite caught up to the culture over here or the times we are in, to be honest

Oh dear another reason to think before starting a blended family. If the brothers get along can you ask him to split the money

I do know in some cultures that they believe the females will go on to get married and their husbands will take care of them financially, and that is their reason for not leaving them such an inheritance.