One child has inherited AGAIN

They’re not married. Despite her using ‘MIL’, he’s her partner, not her husband.

There’s no ‘should’ about it - people will decide for themselves what works for them, and taking on a stepchild ‘as your own’ is not something either a stepparent or their family is in any way obliged to do. What has been damaging is that expectation, and OP trying to force them into giving her and her son what she believed they ‘should’ have provided. Her own son has told her that her approach only resulted in disappointment and embarrassment for him, and that he would have preferred honesty about the reality.

If OP wanted her children to be equal in the eyes of all their family members then yes, she did make a poor choice. The same would apply to man in the same position, so it’s hardly sexism. A blended family is not the same as a nuclear one, and while some may choose not to differentiate, that isn’t something that can be expected, or demanded. Not unless you’re prepared to be upset, anyway.

This sounds like a very unfair situation for you to be put in. But on this occasion, I’d agree with your partner.

1. Unless both want to equalise via the will, the best approach is to treat both boys the same. If you have differing wills, then if it comes out one of the boys will feel hard done by.

2. It isn’t your place to tell your other son that his younger brother has an inheritance. Life isn’t fair sometimes and siblings can have different lives. That’s just how it goes. If you mention it before your younger son does, it will seem like you are causing trouble. However, if you let your younger son to decide when or if he says anything, I think that would be better. It’s his private information after all.

It is hard watching one child get so much and another not but the best thing you can do is show both boys they are equal as far as you are concerned.

She says her MiL…ie the mother of her husband…has left money to their shared child.

You want advice on how to deal with the disparity - well, teach both that they aren't entitled to anyone else's money and should be focused on making their own. Anything they do inherit is a gift - just like if one of them won the lottery, or got a top paying job while the other was unemployed. And gifts aren't equal. Being siblings doesn't mean any sort of equality from the world. As long as you haven't showed favouritism and given them the same opportunities, how the rest of the world (or in this case, wider family) treats them is not your business. You see your children as equals, the world does not. One of them has turned out luckier than the other with respect to inheritance, the other could be luckier in love, career, contentment, health, all sorts - not all of which are to do with choice.

They're not married...

I think it would be unfair to leave one child out of your will because the other had an inheritance from someone else! What if ds1 wins the lottery or has a very high flying job? Who knows what the future holds. Maybe people should put more thought into having children by different fathers if they are not prepared to accept that things won’t always be equal between them!

I am with OP on this one. Though I believe she chose the wrong husband second time around. Any man who marries a mother should accept their child as his own, as should his family. Otherwise it’s going to cause grief. The poor elder boy must feel isolated and inadequate. Maybe she was smitten, or didn’t see the writing on the wall. This is the fallout. And talking of falling out…I would be very surprised if the two half brothers can have a healthy relationship in this toxic dynamic. The MiL should have had more foresight. Re: those saying the OP made poor choices by having children with two different fathers. They have zero idea about her circumstances. It’s sexism, simple as. I have absolutely no problem with her wanting to find new love, a new life and a father figure for her first son. It’s natural and healthy. Though she chose a man who wanted to prioritise any progeny of his own and THAT is a poor choice. It’s a shame.

The way to deal with this is to put it completely out of your mind. It’s nothing to do with you. You can do nothing about it. Feeling aggrieved on your elder DS’s behalf is really unhelpful. It will seep into your thinking about your younger DS and damage your relationship with him. Be happy for younger DS. It’s a lovely unexpected thing that has happened. Your elder DS in no worse a position than he was. It’s not a zero sum game. You should definitely not tell your elder DS. It is absolutely none of your business. If you must think about it, reframe it to acknowledge that you don’t have to worry about your younger DS’s future prosperity and you can concentrate on helping elder DS make the right decisions for his financial future.
Many people can be happy for the good fortune of their siblings without feeling jealous.

Here's a thought maybe ops husbands family doesn't like the op. They only tolerated her because she married their son/nephew/brother/cousin. Op is married to her husband not his family she shouldn't have big expectations from them. She needs to protect her oldest son from disappointment and ensure he understands the dynamics. I do think the op never understood her husband's family dynamics and behaviour. Op needs to remember she came with baggage and her DH accepted them but his family doesn't have to. If I was the op I would focus on my husband and children and less on his family and what they do.

What is more than a legal relationship? That an adopted child is recognized as someone’s child equal to any biological children is just that - a legal relationship. Not sure what you’re disagreeing with there.

Blood as a central idiom is not by any means exclusive to Euro-American culture, but in this case we’re talking about people raised and living within those cultural parameters.

You’d have a point with the rest of it if I said that blood was the only ‘real’ kinship, superior to any other system - except I explicitly said it wasn’t. I said it’s the dominant one, which isn’t commentary on value, but recognition of how prevalent it both currently is, and historically has been. Regardless of whether you personally agree or not, that importance is placed on it should come as a surprise to precisely no one.

My eldest son (16) has a different dad to the son I had with my now husband. My husband got together with me when my eldest was 1 and took him on as his own (inc 50/50 split in his will to both kids). His parents also took him on as their own kinda grandchild (amazing imo, my DH was only 22 at the time), and at that point, they had no other grandkids (they now have 4 biologically not inc him). But I still would never expect my in laws to leave any inheritance to my eldest. And tbh, I probably would feel deeply uncomfortable if they did. My eldest could benefit from inheritance from people on his paternal side, and that's nothing to do with my youngest son, or me or anyone else really. I'd put this down as just being one of lifes pissers rather than a massive injustice tbh.

I mean in the ideal world, we would all love and treat everyone equally, but in this world, we are just naturally conditioned to love and favour our biological families more, on the whole.

Should the ops oldest child's dad or grandparents leave money or property to his younger half brother as well? Other wise it's not fair and his dad and family will be unloving to his son's/grandson half brother.

I would agree with you.

I was talking to someone the other day whose dbro inherited a couple of million from his Godmother.
She nor her other siblings did not.

She did not resent it at all; felt it was luck of the draw; and it wasn't anything other than just one of those things, and certainly he should not have felt any pressure to share it between them. They'd all had a friend of their mum's as their Godmother and this one was the only one that hadn't married/had children.

She said the Godmother had often taken them all out for day trips, but when it came to birthday/Christmas presents they'd only given to their Godchild. She didn't see why anyone would begrudge it. And no, she isn't far richer than her bro and the money would have been useful to her.

It's a similar thing. There was a different relationship through being a Godparent.

OP you ask how to deal with it.
I married a DS1 in a similar situation. He honestly has zero resentment towards the siblings (technically half) who inherited. I think I helped that he didn't have a strong relationship with the person who died, so didn't feel left out or like the deceased owed him anything.
I also know that it really upset their Mum when it happened and particularly when the younger came of age to receive the inheritance. At various points she considered changing her will to try to redress the balance but I don't think she went through with it. Partly because several years later when they are all grown up the non inheriting kids are doing absolutely fine. Financially in terms of decent jobs, nice homes, but also in other ways, good health, nice families.
I don't know if it might help to know that others have been there and with the passage of time the pain does recede.

I can see in some circumstances this might seem unfair, but I don't see why it is as a general proposition. The fact that a person's own child marries someone with children and has both biological and step children doesn't obliged that person to treat the stepchild(ren) as if they were biological grandchildren. They might do, they might not. But it doesn't necessarily seem "sad" to me.

Reason why I avoided children from different fathers or no more children after first child if relationship didn’t survive coz I feel yr pain as a parent

It’s interesting you talk about life chances OP.

i completely understand your upset at this disparity and wanting your children to have the same chances and be treated equally. That is entirely to your credit and shows you are a great mum.

it sounds like the money is enough to buy a property, but not have a life where you never need to work. Is that right? That takes a huge amount of stress off your youngest son.

but it’s important to remember that people with wildly different starting points can end up in the same place and vice versa. ( like your family)

You have no idea how their lives will play out. Your eldest may decide he wants to work harder in a lucrative career. Your youngest may decide that his financial security allows him to pursue a job that is more like a hobby. Those choices bring their own rewards and sacrifices. Their lives could be very different, but not worse.

money can be a blessing and a curse- and it’s impossible to know which way it will go.

things like divorce, career path, choice of partner, health, academic ability could completely reverse this situation.

I’ve seen these things play out over the years with various people. I know of a family where the child of a wealthy family has never held down a proper job and is in their 40’s. I’m not saying this will happen to your youngest, but it shows that money doesn’t compensate for everything.

The important thing is not to let your eldest son feel hard done by. His brother’s good fortune (luck) is not his bad luck. He needs to understand that this doesn’t set his future in stone as being less than his brother. His future- and how he decides to live his life - is entirely up to him.

OP, it just is what it is.

The truth will come out in full about the inheritance. However, I just think it would be best to explain to both your DC at that time, that they are both loved equally, but that they both have different circumstances, which has put them in different positions.

They just need to feel confident that you will be there for them both and help them as much as you can. It's not only financial help that our kids need. One might be financially equipped but struggling mentally, or emotionally, and the other not doing so well financially but still be quite happy and content in his life.

If you make the inheritance into a big deal, then it's more likely that your older child will believe it is too, and then feel hard done by and unfairly treated, I think.

"If the money is accessible can you try redistributing it?"

I rather doubt that the OP is either an executor or trustee. Even if she were, it would be totally unlawful and unethical for a trustee or executor to do this.

"E.g. youngest has less/nothing spent on them, they have to self fund everything? Might seem unfair... "

Might seem unfair? You think?

As I understand the situation, the OP's younger son is currently either 17 about to turn 18 or has just turned 18.

I believe his earlier inheritance becomes vested at a later age (maybe 24 or 25).

"...youngest has less/nothing spent on them, they have to self fund everything?"

I can just imagine that conversation:

Dearest DS2, I know that you are just turning 18 this year and will inherit some money in a few years time. As a result of this we will not support you in any way during your time at university. Good luck.

ps Your older brother, DS1, is very happy in his house with the help given him with the deposit but you aren't getting anything because you're DS2

Is this really what you are advocating for?

Frankly, that is a really nasty attitude.

Your oldest son could set up a successful business, or marry into money, and end up just as rich as his brother.
Or the younger one could fritter it all away, you never know.

Personally if I was in your shoes, I would leave bulk of YOUR money to the oldest child, but explain it to youngest child first, so it is not a surprise to him when you die. Basically, explain to him that he is very thankfully set up for life, but that his brother is not, and you want them both to have the same safety net.

But whatever you feel inside, I wouldn't dramatise it to older child. He has plenty of opportunities in life to make his own money. His brother having more doesn't take anything away from him, if you see what I mean.

Regardless of the inheritance, your children could vary vastly money wise as adults depending on what paths they take in life would you expect one child to subsidise the other if one was a ceo and the other a bin man, no you wouldn’t so they shouldn’t have to split inheritance to make up the difference. Yes it sucks donkey dick they left your older son out but it’s just how it is and it’s on you to make that up in your will if you want to even it out in the future but who knows if your youngest will be left more money from other family members in years to come

Have to disagree—first, adoption does create more than a legal relationship, otherwise adopted siblings would be able to marry legally. Next, kinship /marriage taboos vary widely (e.g., two babies nursed from same women may not marry in some societies). Blood is a central idiom in Euro-American culture, an ideology that links it to kinship. However, it is ethocentric to claim that simply because it is a meaningful symbol to you, that it somehow is more ‘real’ than alternative systems of kinship reckoning practiced in countless cultures worldwide.

I would try not to think about it like this. Your kids knew they were from different family backgrounds and will be more able to deal with this than you as you just see it as a negative slight in your oldest.

my family have a similar situation, not with inheritance but with citizenship. My two older kids don’t have American citizenship and it has made everything in their lives so much harder than my youngest who is a dual citizen.

they just deal with it. They know life isn’t always fair and they make the best of it. Your oldest will do the same.

There are moments when I am pleased I only had one child. This is one of them.