One child has inherited AGAIN

sorry- I mean OP's partners son

Not yr money so not yr choice, nothing in life is fair, as my best friends dad said when u don’t bread with thoroughbreds yr children end up with the sh*ty end of the stick.

Very fair.

Her partner wants to share assets and money equally that they have earned together to both children. That's fair?

Op expects her older son to be gifted money from his family. Ops partner cannot force his family to leave money to his step child and they don't have to. It has nothing to do with her partner op is the issue. Her older son has his father's famiy who he will inherit from. You have to really wonder what it was she saw in her partner. Was it the silver spoon coming out of his mouth and then realising he has no standing in the family wealth. When people work hard for their money they don't just give it away they saw the op coming.

Thank you for your honesty I had an incling. As long as his family are respectful and are careful not to show too much imbalance then what's the problem. Be thankful for what you have. You have a loving partner/husband who is loves you that much he took on your children.

Ops partners family don't see her oldest as a full member of the family. She isn't married into the family so she has no say on what should happen to the money that is bequeathed to her youngest son.

I think you need to box this problem up and put it on a shelf marked ‘things I can’t do anything about’.

If, at some future point, you are in a position to give some of your own money to your elder son to contribute towards a deposit on a home, then that might ease your sense of imbalance and enable you to keep your will 50:50 so there is no sibling strife after you die.

I thought they were married at the beginning of the thread. That makes her entitlement and expectations even more unreasonable.

Her son's are 18 and mid 20s. She wants to disclose the younger adult's financial status to the older and calls not doing so keeping secrets. I find that really shocking. The older has no business knowing all about his younger brother's finances.

She also said her partner is now feeling angry about how he was bypassed for inheritance and 3 kids got more put together than his kid as a result. OP had better take note, she's becoming a liability to her partner with regards to his family

The older child isn't MiL or UiL's relative. I think that's fair enough. Older DS has a whole other family he could potentially inherit from. You could use your own will to level the playing field but I don't think you can expect DH to reciprocate. It seems clear he doesn't regard your elder son as a child of the family.

That’s on OP. She is his parent.

I can’t actually believe all this fuss over inheritance, over the years, over lots of different issues, and OP isn’t even married.

Yes, a child is a responsibility - of their actual parents.

He wasn’t, and isn’t, their grandchild/nephew so no, they didn’t ‘value’ him in that way. He hasn’t taken issue with that, but with Op trying to force a relationship that wasn’t there.

This situation does apply to me, I just have empathy for those it does.

“respnnsibility” that’s how you describe a child who just wants the adults in their life to live and care for them without CLEARLY demonstrating they aren’t as valued as other children in the family.

It's a blessing she isn't married to him.

Not necessarily. It depends on what expectations and entitlement have been fostered. It appears OP and partner aren't married.

OP's expectations and feelings of entitlement are the real problem. She feels so entitled that she's having issues not "being open" ie sharing her younger son's financial info, which should be private, with her older son. I think she's trying to foster older son feeling entitled to younger son's money. The only way out is for her to drop her expectations and feelings of entitlement to her partner's family money for her son by another dad.

The partner's family obviously knows what's up and they're controlling their financials accordingly. Partner has been bypassed for inheritance.

OP willingly chose to go into this with her eyes open. She chose to bring her existing son into a family with a lot of privilege and had expectations that didn't pan out. If she leaves her money unequally, she's going to be resented by younger son.

Is it because it makes you feel bad about your life choices and you feel that your partner's family should pick up the slack. It don't work like that your partner or husband decided to take on the responsibility not his family. Marry for love not money.

I disagree. IMO it’s absolutely preferable to expecting stepfamily to adopt those roles, as if they’re somehow obliged to provide those paternal or maternal relationships.

Case in point - OP. Her own son has told her that trying to force him onto her in laws only hurt and embarrassed him, and the would have preferred her to have been honest about the reality of her blended family rather than trying to create what she saw as ‘the perfect family’ (a nuclear one, apparently).

Your children are descendents from two different family trees on their fathers' sides. This is obvious.

Some families are richer than others. This is obvious.

People are rich or poor from a combination of many factors - inheritance is just one, and inheritance can come down from both maternal and paternal sides. There is also talents, nurture, ambition and determination. Just one of these is handing a disadvantage to your elder child - the paternal inheritance. Presumably maternal inheritances will treat them equally and all the others are down to the individual.

The only consternation in this scenario comes from some kind of expectation of equality that has no basis in reality. Every individual on the planet has their own unique circumstances. That your elder child and younger child have different circumstances is entirely to be expected. The differences between the two of them are relatively minor on the scale of the most advantaged and most disadvantaged in the world.

No.

And he's not even her husband.

And no...legally, even if both were true...no one is entitled to an inheritance from a grandparent or great uncle.
Or parent for that matter, unless Scottish.

Did your husband legally adopt your son? If so, this might make a difference to the inheritance

This!

My youngest kid gets 1 holiday a year, my eldest has 5 or 6 holidays year with his dad/dad's family. They give him money etc, he gets double the amount of presents on birthdays and Christmas. And my youngest son doesn't really give a shit, because he's not materialistic and weird. When his brother inherits his own dad's house and no doubt gets left a wedge of money from his own grandmother and uncle, my youngest won't be crying about it. Same as if my youngest gets left anything from my in laws, my eldest can't cry about it. It's only materialistic parents getting mad vexed about this stupid shit. Life's full of ups and down when it comes to what's fair.

I’m aware it’s normal. It’s also incredibly detrimental to the children involved. Normal doesn’t mean optimal

It’s very normal for the family of a stepparent to have a completely different relationship with their actual grandchildren/nieces/nephews. That isn’t the same thing as being unkind to the stepchild.

It’s also standard for inheritance to pass according to bloodline.

It seems by these comments, that she is punishing everyone else for her lack of long term consideration and understanding of how complex the whole blended family thing could become.

If these comments are true, I can only assume she got together with her partner for very selfish reasons, with little, or no regard for him, her DS1 and her DS2. I say that because of the comment about dragging her son away from his biological father.

There seems to be a control issue here, along with selfishness, a lack of responsibility, and quite bullish tactics that her sons will be picking up on too.

Would she appreciate her partner or anyone dragging her child away from her?

I just think she should understand the biological relationship between her partner and his biological son and not dismiss it. After all, her biological children are exactly what is driving and motivating her in her thoughts and actions. So, why shouldn't her partner be moved to take a simple picture with his DS without any hesitance or guilt?

Did you both live with your step
sibling/s and mother growing up?

I think it would be pretty awful for the new step parent to keep their families separate, engaged and loving to only their by biological child/ren.

Sorry there is a typo I meant DS not DD