One child has inherited AGAIN

The secrecy could be pretty damaging as your older son is bound to find out as soon as your younger son is old enough to start spending the money. Your DH doesn't seem to have any concerns about your elder son's feelings or wellbeing and he is pretty much telling you how to behave, i.e. don't tell your elder son about the inheritances, don't use your own will to try and mitigate the impact on your elder son. You should do what you think is best for both children, not just your youngest.

It’s not OP’s ‘secret’ to share. Her youngest is an adult, if he wants to talk about his finances it’s up to him to do so.

Sharing that information without him knowing/consenting to it being shared can also very easily breed anger, bitterness and resentment.

I guess because unfortunately men are pretty shit often when they split they see their children as an extension of their current women.

While mum has the children 90% of the time and then adds half’s siblings with the new man and then moans about his rich family.

Shittt dad might have more children with another women but he doesn’t moan that his new wife’s parents are not spending on his original child who his dropped like a hot turd (because his shit and not parenting much so doesn’t care)

Story ending… Men can be shit dads and husbands… new husbands don’t make new families apart from them being a step daddy.

If you personally want to protect your child from being the poor relative man or women. Don’t marry and start a new family with a richer family.

I'd be furious if someone thought they had the right to talk about my private financial business with someone else without my permission.

Its not OPs information. Its not a 'secret', its just not anyone elses business.

The Musky one.

You don’t have to view it as a ‘secret,’ it’s just information that isn’t anyone else’s business to share. I haven’t questioned my siblings on where they get their money, i don’t see why your elder child would need to know anything about his brother’s inheritance. Your sons are both adults now, they will live different lives but surely you expected that they might have different life outcomes. I think your emotion is disproportionate, it’s not like your elder child has gone through a trauma or had a great loss, he’s just not received money where your younger son has. Your elder son will be fine, his life is no different today since his brother has gotten this money than it was a year ago, life is no worse for him!

Glad you see it to Oakleaffy.

Who is this?

One poster said ‘There are various things to consider when having multiple children, especially with different fathers.’

There definitely is a judgement on women.

Absolutely none of your business to go tattling around your partner's family, OP. Don't embarrass yourself. Definitely don't embarrass your sons.
How can you be so shocked and in such pain as you claim? What did you expect?

The whole idea of it remaining secret is puzzling to me.

if my brother was able to buy property with ease and didn’t seem to have a vastly different job to me for example I would probably be wracked with feelings of failure, whereas if I understood they had inherited the means then I would understand that it wasn’t my failure to launch or lack of budgeting and saving etc etc .

There isn't anything to come to terms with. The problem is in the way you are framing this in your mind. Your youngest being given an advantage doesn't disadvantage your eldest. They are not rivals. They are not in competition with each other. What would be unfair is you, their mother, changing your will to leave your eldest more money than the youngest. Your youngest has done nothing wrong and doesn't deserve to be treated lesser by either of his parents.

The people who are actually being disadvantaged here are the nieces. What a disgusting choice that was.

This is what can happen when the children in a family have different fathers /mothers?? There’s absolutely nothing you can or should do about it. It’s not anyone’s fault and it isn’t a situation that needs to be fixed.

I agree with your partner that you should not give more in your will to your eldest. Despite what money they both come into in life, this sends a clear message of how YOU value your children and they should be treated equally in my opinion. With the exception of any fallouts or questionable behaviour etc.

Would it not if possible be better too help the two needing deposit type help while alive,
still letting their sibling know and then leaving the will equally split?

Obviously not possible if all the money is tied up in your home.

Also, forgot to add, my DF went on to marry and have 2 children with a lady from a very wealthy family who is an only child herself. My DF is also quite wealthy.

I imagine that whenever the time comes that my half siblings grandparents and parents pass away, they will end up with considerably more wealth than me and my full brother due to their mothers side of the family.

It doesn’t bother me in the slightest. It has never occurred to me to even think about this (until now!). I earn well and don’t need any inheritance. Perhaps you are doing your eldest a disservice by assuming he will be bothered?

Don't keep secrets, first of all. It will damage your relationship with your eldest child. It is not up to your dp how you manage your relationship your eldest.

Be fully honest about the money and where it came from. It is what it is. Both of your sons will need to come to terms with this. Not allowing anyone to talk about a vast difference in wealth will only breed bitterness and resentment.

Unfortunately the judgement for women is always worse.

Various sources say he may have 30 kids via different women ( a relative knew one of the partners).

It happened to me in my family. However I don't feel bad as 1 half brother ended up with more than me via illegal means and the other I'll make alright when our mother dies.

Yes of course- I will be open and explain to my children and make sure they understand. I am sure they will. They will be equal in all other ways .

i have thought long and hard about it…. I can’t see any other way. I don’t want one child to be loaded and the other 2 to not even be able to afford a deposit on a house. Their relationship with each other will suffer if that happens.

"The thread is wanting to know how to come to terms with the difference in life chances."

There is the old cliche of the Serenity Prayer (there are various versions):

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

You first have to accept (I believe from what you've said) that this is something that you cannot change. One son has inherited an awful lot more money than the other son likely ever will.

Some posters have said that you should give more money to one child than the other in your will. Yet, others have warned against doing this as children very often do associate the amount left by their parents as a measure of how much they were loved.

I certainly don't have an answer for how to come to terms with something like this. I am going to suggest something that I have never ever said before, either online or IRL; perhaps you need to speak to a professional therapist about this?

Someone who can help you develop coping strategies to deal with your feelings? Mumsnet really is not the place for that.
.

"I am also upset at not being able to have an open and honest conversation about what is happening. I.e. eldest not knowing some significant has happened."

Why is it that you feel that you cannot to your eldest child about what has just happened? Also, why do you feel that you in any way should speak to your eldest child about this? Perhaps a therapist could help you answer these questions?
.

"That DP’s brother and nephew have not told their daughters /sisters shocks me."

I am making a very big assumption here about your DP's ethnicity.

It does not shock me at all if I am correct about the ethnicity.

What would happen if the daughters/sisters found out? Would they be able to change anything in any meaningful way?

Personally, I might well be tempted to say something, but there again, I'm not related to any of these people so any family fallout (which there inevitably would be) would be no concern of mine.

It's a difficult decision to make as to whether you say anything or not. I certainly don't have an answer.

It’s not the dads here complaint about their children getting different amounts based on their mums families deaths. It’s a women complaining.

Send us a man moaning and we will tell
him the same.

There aren't any fathers with multiple mothers on this thread. This is about the OP and the fallout from having a blended family.

@EWAB - this is a problem only in your head. Your eldest already seemed to indicate you should pull back, judging by pervious posts. He isn't bothered so you shouldn't be. There's no unfairness on anyone's part. Life works out that way sometimes. The way to come to terms with your feelings is to acknowledge they are just that - your feelings. They don't alter anything, so moving on from them is your best move.

Absolutely!
My Dad had two wives- three kids between them-

But a well known millionaire artist has about 14 kids spread between several women-

He too left money to some and not others.