One child has inherited AGAIN

As if family dysfunction isn’t fueled by failing to respect someone’s right to privacy. Her son can absolutely tell his mother she has no right sharing his financial business. Of course she can go ahead and do so anyway, but then she’ll have to prepared to face any fallout that comes her way as a result.

She could find herself shut out from knowing anything significant about her younger son’s life, given that she’ll have proven to him that he can’t trust her. It could also lead to her relationship breaking down, and the sibling relationship being damaged because of her actions. Sure, you can say ‘that shouldn’t happen’, but that hardly means that it can’t and won’t, and it will be OP that has to live with that if it does.

Genuinely why would you leave your will 100% to only DS1? He's 24, hopefully and presumably OP is not going to die tomorrow. DS1 is unlikely to inherit for another 40ish years. Presumably he'll be on the property ladder by then.

His bio dad might win the lottery between now and then, who the hell knows? But to make an absolute statement to your two children that one is more deserving of what you financially decide to leave them than the other? That's not fair!

That's in now way "splitting a Mars bar between two kids". That's literally a kick in the teeth! Extended family/non relative inheritance is one thing. Your actual mum basically saying "I favour you", is another.

DS1 is not a blood relative - did not recieve a blood relative inheritance. Boo hoo, that's life 🙄

@user1492757084 You would really disinherit your second child? Even though both children will inherit from their fathers, you would still cut your youngest child out of your Will? 😳

They’re adults, and as such beyond the age where OP is entitled to make decisions on their behalf. Wanting privacy isn’t inherently about shame, and it isn’t ’encouraging secrecy’ to not tell someone something they have no right to know. It’s hardly a good thing to make wanting privacy a source of shame, or paint it as being somehow wrong.

They may be her children, but they’re also individuals in their own right, and may hold very different views to their mother regardless of what she’s tried to instill in them. That’s their right. She, and you, may not agree, but your view isn’t one you have the right to force on anyone else.

How wonderful for your DS2!
Be sure to help him make wise decisions and investments.

You can only do the same for DS1.
Help him save and work hard at earning as much money in his chosen field. Should he up grade his qualifications? Can you help with that? Should he look to swap his job? Move overseas to higher wages? Should he work in the mining industry as fly in, fly out?
Help him save for a deposit.
Be a guarantor for him to buy his first property. Be proactive in helping him become a homeowner with a great income.

That is all you can do... apart from YOU personally (not your husband) leaving your Will unequally and helping him with a house deposit from your own savings. Myself, I would do those two things. I would leave my Will 100% to DS1.

Your second son will inherit from his father too as he is his only child.
That's life. It is lucky for your whole family, really because it means that you can devote more of your hard earned money to helping DS1 get on the property ladder.

The secrecy is the biggest hurdle. I could not have secrets between your boys. Your oldest son should be able to know and be very pleased for his younger brother. He should be able to celebrate his brother's good fortune.
The secracy is what could tear your family apart.

One thing I know for sure - if I inherited massively more (or even substantially more) than a sibling or half-sibling, I would be sharing that money.

Your DP is wrong. Family dysfunction is fuelled by this kind of thing. It’s really important to talk about it honestly. They know they have different fathers and extended families. They can understand that it’s not your fault things have worked out that way. And no one gets to tell you what you can and can’t talk to your own children about.

Realistically why should they share it though? It's an inheritance not a Mars bar 🤔

Would you expect your sons going forward in life to share bonuses at work, partner's (if one felt the other had done better), children (if one couldn't have one), kidney's (if one didn't want to donate).

No idea cos if one of my sons had this happen I'd feel so sad they'd be willing to hide it, I'd be really very surprised if they didn't share it - I wouldn't need to say anything at all.

If you have a look at the OP's other threads you will see that the OP's sons will be absolutely fine about this. It is the OP who is obsessed with people being left out. She has countless threads about unrelated people not inviting her to things, or not inviting her husband to things, or not inviting her children to things. This obsession is so extreme that it has caused drama in the wider family.

OP, genuinely, you need to talk to a professional about this. This level of jealousy and rage is not normal. Your eldest even told you that the approach you have taken has caused him embarrassment and disappointment at times. He has his head screwed on right. He knows there are differences between him and his brother. He accepts and understands that. It is you who needs to accept it.

18 and early twenties, I think.

Sorry I'm still not clear on how old these children are.

Fwiw I have brought my kids up to open about things like health - especially important as they are all boys - & to not feel shame or embarrassment about these things. As such I wouldn't be betraying anyone by talking about it as its unlikely I'd find myself in any 'position', whether it was financial or medical.

I'm sorry, I just do not think it's a good thing to encourage secrecy &/or shame around ordinary things.

Okay, and how exactly would that conversation go then?

'Hey kids, so DC2 you have 120k, and DC1 you have nowt! But, it's not important, and it's more important I'm being honest with you about it, and it's just money!"... Enjoy 👍

It says nothing about how he feels about his brother. The inheritance is about his relationship with his relative.

OP, I understand you find this painful, but please don't do anything to harm the relationship between your sons. It's not unusual for people to only leave money to blood relatives, and at the end of the day.... it's just money. You're risking causing bad feelings between your sons for zero gain for anyone.

Sadly this is true. Maybe your younger DC will choose to give some of his wealth to his older brother after he is 18. You shouldn't pressure him to do so though. Just if he chooses to. Your elder DS is on the housing ladder so will be fine.

How far does that go? Do they get medical privacy, for example? Or must they share the ins and out of their entire lives with their siblings?

Her own kids are adults that can decide for themselves what they want to share. It’s not for mummy to decide she knows what’s best and share their private information to make herself feel better. Sharing that info could absolutely blow up in her face and end up being far more damaging than simply minding her own business would be.

How? By being told to keep secrets about something to do with her own kids, it's ridiculous to allow money to be this divisive, incredibly unhealthy.

It's just money! It's not that important & certainly not more important than honesty with your children

In an earlier thread. The original inheritance is in a trust, and didn’t become available to him when he turned 18.

Them being her children does not mean she’s entitled to share their personal information, and no one is entitled to know about their sibling’s finances. How is OP being forced to treat them differently?

Where does it say the ages specifically? OP mentions that the original inheritance won't be available to him for another 6 years so we can assume he's 12 & has to wait till he's 18?

Eitherway, I think the age is irrelevant when they are both her children & are brothers. She's being forced to treat her OWN children differently - children she bore.

I like the idea of paying into a life insurance policy for dc1 to inherit when you die. Then you split your other assets equally.

The ‘secrecy around money’ is respect for an adult’s privacy.

OP’s youngest is an adult, and his financial circumstances are not something his brother is entitled to know. If he wants to tell his bother it’s up to him to do so, it’s not for OP to do it for him.

I understand how you are feeling op

Me and dh have never had any significant inheritance £20k from dmil as she was in a care home. So we know inheritance isn't guaranteed and have planned our finances around that mortgage nearly paid off etc

There is only my dm still alive now and due to a fairly recent family situation which is being investigated but i don't hold out much hope she has told me she has changed her will so i presume it all goes to my not so d sis IT IS DM MONEY SHE CAN DO WHAT SHE WANTS but it makes me so sad as we could of used it to help dc get on the property ladder they will inherit from me and dh equally but as we are 47 and 55 I am hoping it won't be for many years to come

No idea who dsis will leave it to if there is anything left she hasn't even waited for dm to die before remortgaging dm house as she's single no dc of her own and she's blocked my dc as well as me and dh

I totally understand where you're coming from on this & I'd really struggle with keeping secrets from my children like this, it's awful & you shouldn't be put in that position. To me, your DHs family sound awful, all this secrecy around money is horrible & divisive.

I don't know what the answer is I'm afraid but I definitely would not lie to my kids. I'd try to be flip about it, I guess, so eldest doesn't feel left out of some huge thing (it's just money after all), like a throwaway comment.

As for only giving inheritance to the males? What the Fuck is that even about? Did this guy die in 1850 & someone only just found the will?

OP and her husband haven't treated the two sons differently, though.
Husband's mother and great-uncle (or half-uncle, can't recall) have treated the two differently, leaving money to the younger (husband's biological son) not the older (husband's stepson). That doesn't say anything about the husband's own attitude, surely?

And it happened to me not as a step child but as an adopted child at 8 months. At 25 my siblings inherited from grandparents but I didn't because I was not blood. Nice one Granny, I loved you too😀