One child has inherited AGAIN

Don't alter your will without speaking to your daugher and son first. You need to check that a) she would be absolutely fine with this plan and b) that her future husband has not sorted things legally so that his inheritance and house is ring-fenced so that your DD would be entitled to none of it should they split up in the next few years. Imagine the ructions if you altered your will to benefit your son, you then died, son is left fine financially, then the next year your DD splits with her boyfriend/husband but there is a legal arrangement where she walks away from the marriage/relationship with nothing, and your son does nothing to help her.

It could be better to just leave it to them both equally and then upon your death they could decide between them AT THAT TIME to do a deed of variation in the case that your daughter decided she was perfectly financially fine without her share of your estate. But you can't assume. Never assume. Open and transparent discussions are the best.

He’s part of his mother’s blended family.

Adoptive families are just that, adoptive families.

‘Nuclear family’ isn’t a descriptor with a value judgement attached to it, any more than ‘blended family’, ‘single parent family’ or ‘adoptive family’ is. A different family type does not inherently mean a lesser one.

Hi OP

Sounds a really tough situation. Especially so having thought about it for a while. How far apart in age are your two boys? How old was the elder one when you moved in with your current partner?

The effect/result of this situation, when it all boils down, is much the same as if you gave each of your adult sons a lottery ticket as a gift and one of them won a substantial amount and chose to keep his winnings confidential.
One son may have gained but the other son hasn’t lost as a result of his brother's win.

I think you deal it with by ceasing to see it as unfair. Anything inherited in a will has to be regarded as a windfall not an entitlement. Hopefully, that’s the sentiment that your two sons have been brought up with. With two different fathers, it wasn’t that likely that everything would always remain equal between them. You do yourself no favours in looking back at the past and bemoan ing or trying to square up what happened in families other than your own. That’s a thankless task leading you or sons nowhere but down. Look forward instead and teach them to look forward too, with a good kind attitude.
You can’t make it equal and you can’t fix what you see as the discrepancy, so concentrate on continuing to demonstrate and instil good family values with your sons, as well as a healthy attitude towards happiness and money. And focus on maintaining good mental health through work, exercise, moderation, education etc etc according to your own family moral code. Hopefully you have already done that since they were born so I’m sure they will each deal with any problem kindly and with good regard to each other. Trust in that.

Other than that, you can do no more. Life and luck won’t treat them the same just because they happen to both be your sons and it’s not your responsibility to even things out once they are adults, it’s simply your responsibility to help them learn to prepare/deal with the ups and downs which each son is bound to come across, regardless of their bank accounts.

Once these two young men leave home and start directing their own careers and lives, it will become less of a potential problem to you. They may well be very happy with their different paths in life.

It is what it is OP and difficult as it might be for you to come to terms with, you would serve your sons better by accepting it and not worrying about problems before they even happen. You envisage them having ‘vastly different lives’ but happiness and health isn’t always dependent on wealth or asset status …it’s wrong to let them see you think that….so that may not be as problematic as you appear to think it’s going to be.

Anything can happen. Stay positive about each of their futures now they have their lives in front of them to make of them what they will.

OK, sorry. I misunderstood about your reference to "children"

He left his entire estate to the male grandchildren? Wtf

I agree. Everyone is entitled to define their own families.

people on mumsnet are very quick to tell step mothers they aren’t a parent and that they should leave any decisions about the children to the parents.

yet when it comes to grandparents apparently they should think of these same step children in exactly the same way has their biological or adopted grandchildren. But they aren’t - they aren’t their children’s children. And in many cases those step grandchildren don’t think of these older relatives as their grandparents.

OP is only upset by the money - it comes across as very materialistic and greedy. She wanted to be able to control her mother in laws wealth so she could ensure her son - who wasn’t related to the deceased - could also benefit:

I don't think OP's "MIL" meant to cause dissension at all. She meant to leave her estate to her blood grand-children and that's what she did.

So if the nuclear family consists of a mother, father and their biological children, does that mean that any adopted children wouldn't ever be part of a nuclear family either?

It does seem as though you are saying that your don't consider OP's elder son to be part of his mum's nuclear family. I'm sure OP would disagree.

I agree.

It depends what the inequality is that the older son is upset about.

. Both boys have two parents and families. Both boys will inherit differently thought their lives. To fully address this inequality both boys would need to agree that they put anything. They ever get from their respective families in a pot and split it equally. That would address the material inequality - but the idler bit has also to be prepared to share.

to be honest I would do this for the sexism but not for half and step siblings who aren’t related to the person leaving the money.

id the older boy is upset that these people didn’t consider him family then then his half brother can’t fix that.

Well the only person who can address the inequality here is your son who has inherited. If he feels as you do then he can share with his sibling. If he doesn't, then that's on him isn't it? No use getting upset with the dead about what they choose to do with what you rightfully stress to be their own money. If one of your children ends up with a much better life than the other, then they have every power to 'right the wrong'.

I grew up with resident paternal half brothers. We're all in 50s/60s now. Several times in the last 40 years they have inherited considerably from their maternal family. They also inherited from my grandparents/their step grandparents. That's just the was it is. No one has ever tried to redress the balance. I'm over it- my sister never will be!

I have sympathy with the OP because any kind of unfairness is horrible to deal with and reconcile in your mind. Wills are a grim business and I know of very few wills that have been distributed happily, without some kind of dispute or bad feeling.

However, I have been reading Mumsnet for a long time and it never fails to amaze me how women (and men) take decisions that significantly complicate their lives and then are surprised when their lives end up, well, complicated. In that category I would put having children with more than one partner and partnering up with someone who already has children. Sorry, but the seeds of this were sown a long time ago.

❤️

Sounds that way!

Thanks to the heads up from other posters, we know OPs posts in multiple threads show a substantial degree of interest in inheritance, and assets that she wants her children's fathers to pass to them. Which is likely to have been noticed. It's been going on quite a while. She even mentions a 'seismic' fallout. This is one of those threads where it would be very enlightening to hear the side of the other people involved.

And honestly OP, this has been going on a decade. Your partner's family clearly don't want to do anything that means your son gets their money. If you struggle after this many years, you're likely to be in a mess every time someone dies and doesn't leave your eldest any money. I can only suggest some form of therapy to come to terms with that. It can't be doing your family life any good.

Op thought the money would be coming to her via her dh, and she could redistribute it herself after benefitting in other ways when the time comes. It seems her dhs extended family were on to her, and have a very accurate view of her, and she has been bypassed altogether.

I don't get why you're so surprised.

You had children with different fathers, how can you expect them to be dealt the same cards in life? Their only common denominator is you.

It's perfectly fair that MIL gives the inheritance to her actual relatives. And is also just as fair that your partner gives to his ie. Biological son.

Why anyone would expect to inherit from a step parent and their family is beyond me.

You sound quite entitled.

If your younger son has already inherited these two lots of family money, and you want to even things up by leaving your older son your own funds/assets, I would take legal advice and start looking at this now.

If you were to to be diagnosed with dementia, or another health condition requiring care (but not NHS care) in the future, all your funds/assets would be earmarked for this. Once you know you're likely to need care, your options for transferring money or leaving inheritance to people, become very limited. This is due either to the 'deprivation of assets' rule or simply that everything you have bar around £14,000 (need to check that figure), could be spent on care costs.

You might want to work out what you will need for yourself in the future, and if there's any sort of excess, consider gifting it now (within certain tax rules, so also take advice on that).

this happened to me in a slighlty different manner. It bothered my wife more than it bothered me. Not saying that is the case here, but something to think of.

That’s just so shitty of everyone involved. Oh don’t tell the women and we don’t have to worry about it. They could all fuck off.

Do NOT put any pressure on the younger son. Do not even mention it. It would be unreasonable and potentially drive a wedge between the half-brothers. Your resentment is probably already palpable to them both.

You chose to be open about your own finances, which is very different to being open about someone else’s without their permission.

It’s up to OP’s son to tell his brother if he wants to. It’s not for OP to do what she wants in order to make herself feel better, not unless she wants to risk alienating not just her partner and youngest son, but eldest too. It can’t be assumed that he would want to know, or would appreciate being told. He’s already told her the damage that trying to force him onto her in laws has done to him, and that he doesn’t think it was the right thing for her to have done. He could quite possibly consider her telling him to be her yet again doing what is best for her, not him.

OPs kids are 18 & 24. Would your father have professionally advised that adults should have their personal finances discussed with other family members without their expressed permission?

How old are your sons OP? And how do they get on? I really feel for you as this would be extremely hard to navigate.

My father was a wills & estates specialist and saw so many families torn apart by inheritances that he and my mum adopted a policy to always be transparent with what they were planning and why. I am doing the same with my children.

When your sons are adults and the time seems right, I would sit them down and have a frank discussion about it all and explain your reasoning clearly for whatever you decide. Personally, I would also be allocating more to the one who missed out on the two inheritances. And rather than waiting until I died, if at all possible I would try and help him "get on the property ladder" if he's unable to get there himself. You can monitor how things are going and adjust your will as seems appropriate from time to time. Bear in mind that their lives won't be even in all aspects anyway and they may take quite different paths. But balderdash to keeping secrets - they only cause deeper heartache when people find out later.