My mother is guilting me about being a working parent.

My mother was like this. She insisted I was neglecting and 'institutionalising' my children, even though I was a single mother who worked from home, and that I should give up working. However, when I was put into a redundancy pool she was horrified at the prospect of me losing my job confirming what I'd always suspected, she knew I couldn't give up work she just wanted me to feel bad about myself. I am not sure why mothers like this want their daughters to feel bad about themselves but I think it's because they have low self-esteem and so they need a narrative where they can congratulate themselves for being virtuous and self-sacrificing.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to work - even if you could manage financially on one income. Work can be so much more than just a salary.

It’s complex. Each new generation wants something better for their children, wants them to grow up to be comfortable, safe, healthy, ultimately successful, law abiding, productive in a lot of ways. I would say there are key aspects that can give a child a good start towards all the above, but likewise, some children I cannot help but feel are going to have to struggle against not becoming another statistic lost to poor mental health, under achieving, crime, poverty at the very extremes.
For me, those early years are absolutely key. Good (joint) parental involvement, helping babies and toddlers to grow and learn, enriching surroundings and lots of play, stability and enough income to cover growing needs. Treats when appropriate rather than expensive items in lieu of attention. Interaction with other humans rather than the TV or gadgets, being ready to achieve the most out of starting on the formal school path.
But it’s equally as hard being a parent. Any human being needs their own time and space to indulge in having a bit of “me” time. They probably still want to strive and achieve in their own lives, beyond just raising a family successfully. Many will get fulfilment out of being a SAHParent (yes, some men do do it!) but others will find it frustrating, boring, an absolute grind. That’s why it’s so important that a great deal of thought, understanding and huge commitment is required, not just to the children, but to keeping a relationship on track. To do both needs planning, a decent income, help beyond immediate parents.
The wise don’t embark upon starting a family without having the best support systems in place, otherwise it can all come tumbling down one way or another. And that ends up with another statistic. It’s that or take your life in a different direction, and recognise that having children isn’t for everyone.

My parents were born in the late 1930s and even they don't/didn't wang on about how great the 1950s were. They remembered rationing as children then so wanting freedom from autocratic parents as they got older. My mum seriously considered joining the police force to get away from home.

I was born in the mid 70s and my mum told me how she felt obliged to hide the bump working in a bank and that she was expected to just leave and not come back. When they got married in in 1960s they worked in the same place and my mum had to leave and find somewhere that would employ a married woman. Even then it was hard to get something that was above the level of secretary or typist. Her brother who also worked in a bank and was a good deal younger became a bank manager. My mum progressed to chief cashier which was about as far as women could get in banks then. She is a far more capable and intelligent person than my uncle.

My mum comes out with shit like that too. She was gifted a house and money when she was young as she was an only child. She also did work when we were young (but apparently that doesn’t count). She’s also seen countless of her friends get absolutely fucked financially and live in poverty in retirement because their husbands left them and they had been SAHMs with no earning capacity. Why she’d actively want that for her own daughters is beyond me.
She also says shite like that she doesn’t believe in playing with children so excuse me if I think professional childcare is a much better option thanks because being looked after solely by her and no nursery or childminder when I was young probably did me more harm than good.

remind your mum that we need to celebrate the fact women have choices.

Some women don’t have the choice. Even in 2025!

If she’s too narrow minded for that. Then remind her you’re an independent woman and she should be proud of you.

(I went through this with my mum as well!)

Surely your mum wasn't having babies in the 50s? If so you'd be past 70 now. The fact is that there's a choice now for women to work. In the 70s there was virtually no childcare available so basically having a baby meant you stopped working in most cases. If you were broke, you were broke.

@Sevendayhigher has your dm got a work pension?
I ask because mine is shockingly low as I only worked v. part time in a low paid job after having dc.
Fortunately my dh has a good pension and we’re happily married but it was a stupid risk to take.
I advised my dd never to give up work, women need independence.

You are doing an excellent job, you’re teaching your dc that women are autonomous.

Your dm is living in cloud cuckoo land.
Does she want you to move away?
I’d wind her up by leaving details of houses in Scotland lying around.

Why's she wanging on about the 1950s? If you've got nursery-aged kids, she wasn't raising you in the 1950s, and probably wasn't even raised then herself?

Regardless, it's an age-old debate and generations aren't ever likely to agree on who has it hardest as it will always leave one side feeling diminished, and the older one can be especially inflexible if they're feeling like their way of life and their choices have been rejected by the younger one and need to feel relevant. In other words, avoid the subject, make your own choices, don't seek approval.

Comparing the 1950's to 2024 is ridiculous! Women weren't expected to go to work once they married and had children, back then. Attitudes were completely different towards women working, than they are today. Most men would have taken umbridge if a woman suggested working! I do agree, to an extent that nowadays people want everything at once, and aren't prepared to sacrifice meals out, holidays etc, to achieve those goals. However, some parts of the UK are expensive to buy and rent, and if you want to stay in those areas, you will need two incomes. Yes, people can move to a cheaper part of the country, but then moving back is then near on impossible, due to the same issue - housing prices! Giving up any family support isn't sensible, and is very easy for your Mum to say now you're all grown-up and she's not faced that issue! It's personal choice, and we should be thankful that employers are willing to employ women, many wouldn't haven't back in the 1950s!!

My mum is exactly the same.75 year old widow, absolutely loaded with pensions left by my dad, inheritance from her dad, been retired for twenty years.
Sees me slaving all the time and has no idea how lucky she is.

Our house is in the South East not in the cheapest area but living in a nice place with friends and family around us and was important and is actually a very traditional way to live.

I could do my job from anywhere now but that has only been a very recent possibility.

Our house isn't fancy, it's an extended (not by us) ex local authority semi detached built for key workers in the 1950s. So it is literally what people would have lived in, in the 1950s! And we are both professionals. We could have had something more fancy and expensive borrowing more. We still needed to both work to pay the mortgage and regular outgoings even though we definitely didn't max out on a mortgage deal.

People ten years younger than us had it much worse than us as house prices had gone up so much.

I have had this and found it irritating. When you are dealing with an ill toddler even more so it is the last thing you need to hear. The bottom line is life is a compromise. Many of us worked both to do the best we thought for our kids and also to do the best for ourselves. There were times when I really wanted to stay at home, but on balance I was clear that this was not the right thing for me or the kids. I still think (now they are grown up), that I was right. Others reach a perfectly valid different view. My response (difficult though it is), to mum who thinks knows best (and does not), would be to smile and nod and then ignore. She raised kids in a different time with different dynamics and pressures. You need to do what is right for you.

What can your mother possibly know about the 1950s? My mother was a SAHM in the 1950s, and our family lived with my grandparents until I was born in the 1960s, when they moved into our family home.

I'm 60 and my mother was in her 30s when I was born. Can't imagine your Mum experienced parenting in the 60s, let alone the 50s, so she needs to quit banging on about it.

We have had similar. Less direct in a more ‘we dont like nurseries or non family childcare for young children’.

We have had to ignore because you have to understand this is their whole identity. They literally gave up their lives to look after children (or didnt have one to begin with as got pregnant/married young).

If they accept that was not necessary or pointless then what has their whole life been for?

So you cant really say ‘that’s not enough for me’ without also being a dick.

Just chalk it up to different life choices.

But I would consider moving out of where you are. Shes right whats the point in all this. If you’re on a low wage then what does it matter. Having a secure future and housing is very important. Having kids will mean you make new friends/ support networks quickly.

My mother is the same. It's just out of date thinking on her part - unable to grasp how crippling mortgage and rents now are as a percentage of anyone's income.

Interestingly, my grandmother (long dead, born in 1908), had a better grasp of it as in pre second ww times, rents were expensive (mortgages completely out of reach) and she always said to budget a third of income for rent. As a result, she always did something to earn extra money (obvs 'proper' jobs weren't available to her for other societal reasons).

It was really just that post war, pre-1980s generational sweet spot where mortgages and rents could be covered by one income which has given people of that time a view which is no longer accurate.

There was nothing in your post OP which sounded unreasonable or ill-considered.

Just continue nodding and smiling whenever she brings it up, and gently pointing out that there are a few other considerations, but don't get into proper discussion and trying to detail justifications for your actions as it leads nowhere.

I'm glad my parents didn't think that way and my mum worked full time from when I was at school.

I did come across that attitude from conversations with others though about why I worked. Because I am the main earner in the house and we would like to pay the mortgage!

Your mom is technically right on some points but who cares? Yes you could technically do the things she's listed but if you don't want to then what does it matter. I work now but I was a SAHP for a few years and I had the opposite - some snidey and judgy comments which made me feel shit for a while but truly moms get this (usually from other women!) all the time. It's usually people projecting their own neurosis and the greatest gift we can ourselves is is to have confidence in our decision making. (I'm back at work now and my MIL raised her eyebrows vv high because my youngest starts nursery at 8am for two days a week. She had also been sniffy about the smaller house we lived in when I was at home - truly, truly moms cannot win!)

Is your Mother 95? Why would she say 1950s and not 1980s or 90s when she might have been a parent? What would the 1950s have to do with it?

But I think with a little girl it's quite effective to point to all the things you're doing to give her the best opportunities in life and then say, "What is the point in any of this if she's just going to stay at home after the age of 30?"

Well obviously not if the mother doesn't feel like that about her own daughter?

@Sevendayhigher i would make the point to your Mum that in the 1950s men were lawfully paid more than women. Men’s wages were supposed to be sufficient to support a family whereas women’s wages were seen as pin money.

The best example is Birmingham Council going bankrupt now due to the historic equal pay cases. Refuse Collectors (men) being paid much more than care workers (women) for jobs of equal value.

Find reasons why you need to work from your own home more often. That’s an important step for you I think, OP. Presumably Granny can pick up from nursery on occasion and have DS at her house til you get there? Give her a job!

My parents are generally really supportive people but they are also the absolute definition of baby boomers. My Mum barely worked when we were younger due to my Dads salary and then when she went back to work she earnt nowhere near as much money as I do and worked no where near the amount of hours I do either. Yet she still gives us all lectures on how well they did on budgeting and how careful they were - not like us. She leaves out how her father gave her enough money to pay off there first mortgage or that she inherited a lot of money or even that my well paid job doesn't pay nearly as much as there joint pensions and cash investments each month.
None of these things were an option for me although they did help me buy a house. I find conversations with them about money and careers completely un relatable tbh.

I would just ignore your mum. She's talking about ideals from years ago, not about the world we live in now.

If your child is unwell, he should be at home, not in nursery. It's not fair on him, and it's not fair on the other children who could pick up what he has. And it's not fair on their parents who will then have to take time off work to look after them.