My mother is guilting me about being a working parent.

There are far too many people with rose tinted glasses on about "the old days."

No one actually wants to go back to an existence where a woman's life was skivvying after her husband and catering to his preferences 24/7.

Where it took several hours to do one load of laundry manually, spending hours of your day on completely pointless tasks like cleaning your front step to give you something to do and keep you trapped.

Where prizes on game shows were new crockery sets that would be the highlight of your year. Where the jingles on said game shows described women as "dollies" and the presenters were never women, but they were allowed on as short-skirted simpering red-lipsticked blondes who weren't allowed to speak and could only gesture.

Where women couldn't get involved in the stock market, where they were expected to only want to get married and have babies, where it was impossible to get divorced without people judging, where and abuse and physical hitting of wives and children was normalised, where being gay was considered an actual crime.

It's also a positive that people have technology, plenty of options for entertainment, and a generally much more enriched life through all stages.

I'd rather rent my whole life than go back to any of how it was before.

Ok, so maybe I no longer qualify as a "young person" but this is an "avocado and Netflix argument". I have a cheap car bought outright, I spend about 1k on two holidays per year. My mobile contract is £360 annually (only because I upgraded 6-year-old phone last year so this will go down to £120 next April). Even if I were to give up all these "luxuries", I hardly think additional 1,5k a year would suddenly allow me to buy a house in London or any other part of the country. So why wouldn't I live my life a little right now if it makes no difference to my purchasing powers anyway? We only have one bloody life!

I think she's overstepped. Firstly your husband needs to be on accessible public transport - I'm in west mids and it's ok but I'm always so jealous of the way londeners can get about on public transport. Secondly maybe it does you good working, maybe it wouldn't be the best thing for your family for you not to work. We aren't in the 50s, life's moved on, EVERyTHiNG is different. Take no notice, and carry on living life how you want to. Avoid conversations like these with her, she doesn't understand and is out of touch. Probably cheaper to go and live in Spain and cut yourself off from everything but you're not going to do that are you!

It was a difficult drop off at nursery today because my son is unwell (he's 14 months) and I work from my parents' house.

I wouldn't send an unwell 14 months of to nursery. That's what annual leave of emergency leave is for.

As for your mum, you know she is unreasonable. Not working is a huge luxury these days which hardly anyone can afford. Ignore her.

I’m in my 70s and like most of my contemporaries, I worked. I’d encourage every mother to work for their security, pension and self esteem. Your mother is talking nonsense.

My mother has exactly the same opinion as OPs mother, same conversation had, guilt trip included.
She also thinks that people want all the extras, Netflix, monthly extras, luxury food everyday, that they didn't need.
It's almost as if she's saying her generation had it harder so the children got their mum at home all day
I think part of this is justifying her choices, she never had anywhere near a full time job, bits here and there.
But also, i don't think she had a particularly happy life as a sahm. It's a way of avoiding any regrets in her life and justifying it to herself while putting our choices down, at the same time.
I don't argue with her (on that anyway), although I do tell her I love my job, which grates I'm sure!

I'd stop working from her house and not make any conversation like the ones in your OP.

My mum is the same but for the opposite reason, I moved away from my hometown to London for my education and she thought I was crazy because 'people like us' (poor and from the north) don't go to university, especially not in London. My sister is a SAHM just as she was and she compares us all of the time and talks about how I could be a SAHM if I moved back there.

I want more than the basics for my children, it was miserable growing up with the bare minimum. I will always encourage my children, especially my daughters, to have a career.

Absolutely. One size doesn't fit all.

I do find it interesting how defensive some working mums get around this topic, though.

I'm so glad you're already in therapy, speaking from experience it is very helpful when one has a 'tricky' mother....!!

You are giving your son a wonderful gift in showing him how a mother can be both a wonderful parent and also have her own fulfilled, meaningful, empowered life.

Gabor Mate says the greatest thing we can do for our child, is to be happy in ourselves. Earning money and having a professional profile gives you choices that SAHM's tend to forfit.

I'm proud of you!

@Sevendayhigher you and your dp are making the choices that you think are best for your family. I imagine you are taking into account the possibility of more children and another paid maternity leave (if that is what you plan), the partial support for funded childcare hours in the future, retaining a place in the job market for when your dc goes to school, the longterm benefit of you having a career and investing in a pension, the potential positive mental health benefits for you of being at work and retaining an independent life. Of course all of that is a balance, and on a day like today with a poorly little one it seems like a struggle too far.

Your dm has fixed views, which are not realistic in terms of the decisions you and your dh have made. She's not going to change her mind so I'd avoid giving her an opportunity to engage in the debate. Today was hard, but have confidence in the overall decisions you have made.

fwiw, I am retired with grandchildren. If I hadn't worked during the 70s, 80s and 90s I would probably still be working now, I wouldn't be able to support my dc in providing either regular or emergency care for dgc, and dh and I would be struggling to plan for the future on his pension alone.

In the 50's many women were trapped in unhappy, abusive relationships being financial dependent on their husbands; many children started to work early and had zero chances of progressing in education because families were dead poor, and yet we still see women romanticizing this life-style as women nowadays are greedy and selfish!

It's infuriating.

Actually, not working means a serious risk of poverty if the family unit breaks down (which about half of them do). That’s much worse for a child than going to childcare.
Childcare is associated with positive benefits - not all children benefit at all from being care for exclusively by their parents - that’s why deprived families are entitled to more free childcare. In countries in Scandinavia which have a higher quality of life overall, SAHMs are virtually unheard of.

I went back to work at six weeks after both my children were born. I find small babies quite boring. I was born in the 1960s and a lot of those stay at home mothers in those days were living lives of quiet desperation and the local GP was doling out valium like sweeties. If your marriage was dire, it was very very difficult to leave because most women had nil or very limited earning power. Lots of women didn't have access to a car and/or couldn't drive.

Yes, it was perhaps a simpler life but it was pretty awful in terms of limited household appliances (like no fridges or washing machines), handwashing everthing and using a mangle, limited entertainment, cooking everything from scratch, never eating out and so on. If you were gay, it was truly grim and you might even be arrested if you were unlucky. Young women in those days were routinely channelled into nursing, teaching, and working in an office. Contraception was unreliable pre-Pill (and no don't tell me about how reliable condoms were because they weren't and aren't) and people quite frequently ended up with more children than they wanted or could afford. Shotgun marriages were not rare. And single women with babies almost never got to keep them. Medical treatment was less advanced and lots of things that are curable or preventable now weren't then. Clothes were expensive and most likely if you were a women you were putting up with the euphemistically named "roll-on" girdles, suspender belts and tampons hadn't been invented yet.

My mother regretted her lack of opportunities and told me to pick from accounting, law or medicine. She was very firmly of the view that a woman should be able to support herself in case of being a spinster, widowed or divorced. My mother had no illusions about the joys of being a SAHM and I suspect she was born earlier than your mother.

I've just read Margaret Forster's memoir Hidden Lives, which is about her grandmother's life, her mother's and her own. Forster was born in 1938 so had part of her childhood in the fifties. She says that her mother resented not working - she'd been a well-paid and valued clerk until her marriage, and had to give it up at that point - and struggled with poverty. They didn't have a holiday every year, in fact I think she says they only ever had two, when her mother inherited a bit of money - and her mother was upset and angry about this. So I don't really accept the "people in the 1950s were happy even though they had very little" narrative. And Forster thinks that her mother would have been less bitter if she'd been able to go on working.

Maybe two things all women need to think about

You have a womb, and men cannot carry or give birth, therefore it’s a biological constraint, and one that every woman who wants a child will have to deal with, impacting upon health, time and career prospects. Only the very lucky can have both a career with minimum interruption, and a well balanced child, without help from other support.

Listen to what Mum says, but you don’t have to be governed by what an earlier generation wanted, had, or now resents. The World and it’s humans move on, change, make use of new technology, benefit from better health care, etc….

Ah I had this (albeit not to the same degree) from my MIL. DH's salary didn't cover even the very basic bills so ignoring any desire to retain a career, I actually needed to work. Our joint income did afford us some luxuries so in her mind my job was a luxury not necessity and she couldn't understand why I'd choose this over being with my children.
A frank exchange put paid to that conversation and over the years we have gained a mutual respect for the each other I would never have envisaged 20 years ago!

I do have 2 female relatives that are SAHMs now but this is a very new thing in my family as the women in my family have always worked. I can go back to the 1920s where one of my great grandmothers worked in the mill and another was a pub landlady, very working class roots. The difference was that they had familial help with childcare due to their parents and grandparents retiring in their 50s, this is unlikely to be the case as people will be retiring nearing to 70 in the future.

I would always want my daughters to continue to work after having children, financial stablilty and independence is so important. I hope that I have been an inspiration for them, I went part time when they were small so I did enjoy quality time with them but back to full time as soon as they were at school. I'd actually be disappointed if they relied on a man for money. DH and I have been married for 20yrs and have completely transparent shared finances but I'm a realist and if we split in the future I need to be able to support myself.

She does make a few good points and I understand her point of view. The property prices have skyrocketed and young people today often cannot afford mortgage even on dual income - the way our elders did 50 years ago. BUT many young people today do live a lavish lifestyle - from the point of view of our parents or grandparents. There is so much that we buy and so much that we spend unnecessarily. Thousands a year go on a car on finance (or 2 cars), mobile phones, numerous clothes and gadgets and fortunes are spent on several holidays abroad. Lots of people just spend and live their lives here and now without a thought about the future and then they moan and complain how everything is expensive. I guess this is what irks our elders.

How old is your DM ? I'm mid 60s now and recall many of family, friends, neighbours Mums all working, usually part time, as did my own DM. We certainly weren't rolling about in cash - far from it. This was the 1960s and 1970s. In fact thinking about it properly I can't think of one aunt, a neighbour of a close friend at school whose Mum didn't work.

There's this weird false memory that wives didn't work in the 1950s and before - but many working class wives & mothers did. Both my grannies were cleaners and worked when their kids were small. They had to, to put food on the table. Maybe it was the middle class mums who didn't and that's what working class mums aspired too.

You are doing your best for your son and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

The issue is you work from your parents' house.

Why

do they employ you

or is your home not suitable ?

Thus you see too much of your parents.

I appreciate this is going to sound unkind but I wouldn't be taking advice from a woman who relied on her husband to keep her and her children alive. I was lucky to be brought up in a family with strong female lead. My grandmother was brought up by illiterate parents and went on to become a prominent economist and she drilled the importance of financial independence into all of us (two daughters and four granddaughters). When my grandfather lost his job in the 90s financial crash, she was the one who made sure they kept their house and she continued to do so when he unexpectedly passed away at the age of 62. Had she given up work in her late 20s when she had my mum and her 30s when she had my aunt, she would not have been able to do that. Instead, she put my mum into school, my aunt into nursery and went on to complete a postgrad degree with a high-flying career that followed.

My mother was a young mum in the 1950s and never said any of this! She was proud of me for keeping my career when I had children, as she'd seen so many women being left high, dry and penniless when their husbands left them after years of being SAHMs. She also worked briefly in a nursery, and thought it was an excellent place for socialising children and prepping them for school. I miss her :)

Mums guilting their daughters - who'd have thought it, eh?

Mine can't resist it. She makes out I lead a life of profligacy, spending all my money on eating out and Botox and fine wines when in fact, I just don't. I'm a working single mum with two kids and a very average income/lifestyle!

Ignore her.

Some of your mum's points are valid (smaller houses in not very nice areas are certainly cheaper and therefore require less income). But where you live and how much you work or stay at home is your choice, not hers, and you need to do what feels right for you and your family. Maybe you could listen to her carefully, agree with anything you can agree with, then repeat that you don't want to do go down that road yourself, and you'd prefer not to keep discussing it because it makes you miserable.

the thing a child needs most is our TIME if you can give that and still manage work then great. If you can’t then decide what is your top priority.

Childhood is short and the benefits associated with giving your child / children time will far outweigh the kudos of a nice house car or holiday or career you can always revive after the hard slog of mothering.

my female CEO once told me - “women can have it all - just not all at the same time”

sounds like your mum (clumsily) touched on a nerve you already know.