My mother is guilting me about being a working parent.

Why is it that when women work, it's implied that they are selfish and greedy because they are only working for a big house and 5 star holidays but when men work they are big heroes who are working hard to provide for their family?

Yep this and probably fairly misogynistic with it.

@ChristmasKelpie

Nobody ever lay on their death bed wishing they had bought that 4 bedroom with a cinema room but they sure as hell wish they had spent longer with their children.

Sorry but resectfully this is simplistic and borderline offensive. People don't work because they want a "4 bedroom with a cinema room". They work to provide a better life for their children. In many cases they work out of necessity.

In my case they work because there was no one else around to bring home the money to support the children. My child would have starved or been made homeless if I hadn't worked so you know what you can do with comments about "4 bedroom with cinema room". At least have the decency to recognise that a large number of women who work do so out of necessity.

Oh and on this trope about "no one on their deathbed wished they'd worked more": my mum was a lifelong SAHM who bitterly bitterly regretted not going back to work because she was bored and stuck in a marriage she wanted to leave. Your perspective is a series of cliches: you're entitled to your view but at least read the room a bit before you deliver them.

An issue I found when I took a year out, 1950s-style (ha ha!), was not only financial, because every other woman has to work, I was flipping bored and lonely. Times really have changed!

I watching a video (on Tiktok so may well be complete rubbish) that was saying that necessities are now much more expensive and luxuries are more affordable.

Given that mortgage affordability was once calculated on x3 the household salary I wonder if this holds some weight and that's why its so difficult to compare different times objectively?

But ignore your mother, things were very, very different 75 years ago and tbh it just sounds like she likes having a dig.

Part of the therapy or a good help for it would be not seeing her so much. I’d be arranging my hours or moving nursery to facilitate that. And also don’t tell her or share stuff. Grey rock .

The 50s are always seen as a "golden time".NHS new and free to everyone,Full employment ,and this dream of a "50s" HW /FTM as wifey warming slippers for hubby,2 perfect DC (Janet and John) and so on .Anyone watching Call The Midwife knows this isnt true.Unless shes 90 plus shes talking bollocks!

Well to be fair I’m that direction and have known families that could only afford a tiny 2 bed flat in London move up here and have huge 6 bed houses with the same money so she is right really. I personally don’t see the fascination people have with London, it’s cramped, huge amounts of crime, the people are rude and many areas are absolute poop holes but whatever floats your boat I guess, I know it does also have nice areas but you have to pay a premium to live in them……

Why are you working from your parents house. This gives her the opportunity to criticise your choices.

You could just tell her you’ve thought about it and she’s right. You’re moving to the North East (or somewhere with cheaper housing opportunities) and getting a 2 bedroom house so that you don’t need to work so they can visit once a month to see
their grandchild but they’ll have to stay in a hotel as you won’t have a guest room. See if her opinion changes then maybe??? 🤔

Never mind the long record of your conversation, I would be concerned at your leaving the child in nursery when he is unwell - this seems to have been skipped over.

I was a child in the 1950s and can assure you that life was not all marvellous for everyone. Some people were fortunate (my home was reasonable), if husband earned quite well but an awful lot of people were very poor, cold, badly clothed and had inadequate sanitation at home. Your mother is seeing the past through rose coloured spectacles or maybe she didn't have a hard life, was one of the lucky ones, and didn't mix much outside of her circle.

Plenty of women did go out to work, they had to in order to make ends meet, just like now. I have often heard people of my generation saying, eg, they only had butter on their bread because mum worked part time. My mother didn't work, was proud of the fact and could be quite 'sniffy' about working wives, let alone mothers. Different of course if they were professional women, then she was deferential :). My mother in law gave up work when she had my husband -and she had a very good job in the city which she always missed terribly. I will never understand why she didn't get herself a part-time job later on but her mother, who I have to say was generally lovely, had quite a lot of influence on her in that regard, almost as if she (mother in law), was still a youngster under her care.

I was a working mother, part time for years, then full time, and received some criticism. I loved my job (most of the time), and was happy to contribute to the household, which was modest. We were not hedonistic, just ordinary and sometimes struggled - we were in good company too :). Later on of course we were better off which was nice and I have no worries now I am retired but that's the same for most of us.

Don't let your mum guilt trip you. Pay no attention, do what you want/need to do, you're a valuable member of society as well as being a wife and mother. If you want to go out for meals sometimes and have nice holidays, good luck to you, you deserve it.

The OP is already struggling with guilt (thanks to her mum). For many families, both parents working is not a choice 'for the kudos of a nice house, car or holidays' it's a necessity to put a roof over their heads and some decent food on the table.

That may be your personal opinion, but it certainly isn’t a universal or a particularly widespread one.

Us women can never get it right!

I loathe this argument that gets trotted out by people saying women who work only do so because they "want more luxuries" and everyone should be grateful with a bit of dull austerity and cut their cloth in order to be a SAHM.

Firstly because its economically boneheaded: if you live anywhere in the South East (and lots of places outside the South East) it's just not possible to have a decent start of living on one income. Never mind private school and going to the Maldives and skiing, I'm talking about being able to afford a house big enough for your children.

Secondly what is actually wrong with wanting to improve your life, bring in more money and give your children better options? Why is a couple of extra years of baby and toddler groups and hanging around for eight hours a day with your kids a worthwhile tradeoff for a much greater degree of financial security and freedom?

And most importantly because it ignores the elephant in the room which is the ability to be financially independent and to protect yours (and your children's) financial needs without reliance on another human being.

Everyone should be free to decide what works for them in terms of working vs staying at home but the audacity of the people who lecture working mothers about being greedy and "wanting more luxuries" leaves me speechless.

As PPs have pointed out you just shouldn't be getting into a discussion with her on this topic. Her opinions are outdated and foolish and there's no upside.

Who would be jealous of a mother that can't stay at home with her child? I have had the career, had the chance to live and work abroad, i have had the brand new cars, fancy dinners etc but nothing absolutely nothing compares to my time at home with my children. Lying in hospital after having had a heart attack that nearly ended my life i wasn't thinking about my job or the money and new cars it was my children i thought about. The many months recuperating gave me plenty of time to think and look back. Nothing matters other than your children.
Kid yourself all you please but those days at home raising them are the be all and end all. Your children benefit from your presence, always. Nobody ever lay on their death bed wishing they had bought that 4 bedroom with a cinema room but they sure as hell wish they had spent longer with their children.
Now i understand that these days in many cases 2 wages are needed to put food on the table but at least be honest do you need to earn as much as you do or is it a case that a 3 bed semi is not good enough for you and only 5 star is acceptable when you holiday.

a) tell her that being a SAHP is a luxury these days.
b) ask her to pay your half of the mortgage so you can be at home.

The fetishising of the 50s is the weirdest thing, it's 70 years ago - were women even allowed to apply for mortgages or other forms of credit then?! Trust me as someone born in the 70s absolutely no one, not one ever said we should be aiming to live like women at the turn of the century.

I don't mean to project onto your relationship with your Mum OP, but I find it perfectly likely if you were a SAHM full-time you might be hearing about how hard-working your DH is and what a weight of responsibility he has for you all, in short, wherever you are, you'll be in the wrong.

It sounds like you're doing the best you can with what you have and that's great. You might make changes if you feel you need to and that's a great thing to model to children. A PP has nailed it up thread, you're an adult now and the expert on the subject of your family!

You've had some good advice already OP. I think it's very common for older generations to have out of touch ideas about how they feel life 'should be' for young families, without really appreciating the realities. Although to be fair I suspect we're all guilty of idealising the past to some extent.

To add a slightly different slant on the 'standard of living' and money argument - and speaking as someone who was a SAHM for years, not entirely by choice but due to having a child with SEN who struggled with childcare settings - I think for many people it does their mental health good to work, even if they don't 'have' to financially. Technically we could still afford our general standard of living if I didn't work but I am so much happier working!

Without wishing to inflame a SAHM v WOHM debate - God knows there are enough of them on here already! - I think it is actually quite a positive thing for DC to realise that they are not the entire centre of a mother's universe and that she has value outside the home. I also think (as the mother of sons) that it is good for boys in particular to see women working in a professional capacity - and not just as men's equals, but deservedly their superiors in some roles.

One of the many things I love about my DH (who works in a senior finance role) is that he has always treated colleagues as equals regardless of whether they are male or female, has regularly reported to women more senior than him during his career and does so completely matter of factly, and has always spoken about female colleagues - whether they are his superiors, team member direct reports or peers - with respect and professional admiration. Of course that's partly because he's a decent human being but I am also sure that a lot of his attitude towards women in the workplace is thanks to his mum - who, guess what, always worked.

I know it's easier said than done @Sevendayhigher but please try not to let your mum guilt and goad you. And try and find a better place to work than your mum's house!

Exactly, you don't know how I'll he was so no way of knowing if he was really well enough for nursery.

Oh come on. Kids of that age are permanently unwell. If he had a raging temp or was throwing up I agree but don't be judgy when you don't know what was wrong with him.

Did you not just say Oh fuck off. 😳 Probably not, I would have.

My first house when I bought it in 1997 (not 1950 - that hiuse in 1950 was £3k to buy it), in 1997 a 2 bed terrace was 33k. I was earning 11k a year. 3 times my salary. The rent on that property was about £200 a month (if I remember right). I was single parent so one salary.

That same house now is 145k, with minimum wage being around 12k. 12 times the salary. The rent on that is close to £700 a month (shocking), meaning if one parent wanted to work, they couldn't live in a 2 bed terrace in a shitty part of the UK.

Tell her to stfu. I hate it when old people start blithing on about how the younger generation don't go as hard as they did back in their day. Out of touch with no grip on reality, simple as that.

I mean, this is not to mention the costs associated with living, not the fancy ones like sky and mobiles, but nappies, food, energy, taxes etc.

I'd be telling her when she started again that she may be a " little bit out of touch" and that one parent working isn't sustainable for most families in the current climate, she may be remembering the 50s with rose coloured glasses but the world is a very different place now for parents, and as she isnt a parent of a toddler, her advice is unsolicited and not welcome. Thanks but no thanks.

I’m struggling to see what “good points” your mum made?

• It is pretty much impossible to live on only one salary in 2025. Those that do have a partner who is a high earner not the “normal” Joe Bloggs. I don’t know any SAHP where the one earner does a normal MW job! In the 50’s they lived on one salary where the earner had normal jobs. So this point of hers is mute.
• move across the country just so you can afford a small house so you can stay at home with the children?? Erm..why would you want to? In a few years they start school then what? You are stuck in a part of the country away from family and friends just so you get a few years at home with them?
• people in the 50’s were happy with what they had blah blah…yeah but as parents do we not want better for our children? I grew up with a holiday once a year and I LOVED that time with my family. Holidays were the best part of the year. So guess what, I take my kids on multiple holidays a year and lots of day trips out. They are special to us creating happy memories but guess what, I have to work to be able to do this. Do I waste money on having the “best” house or car or lots of presents at Xmas, No. instead we spend our money on creating memories together.

There should be no shame in working as you are also teaching your children that you need to work hard for what you want. To have a good work ethic. It also stops the old stereotypes of the woman stays at home and does everything.

Women need to work, if anything for their future pensions and needs during retirement. A life of poverty is no good for anyone. Your mother needs to zip her lip.