My mother is guilting me about being a working parent.

Honestly? Of course your mother is right. I have always worked, plus I work away from home a lot, but it was not a choice, as dh who worked when we married and before we had dc, had an operation and was unable to work afterwards. I worked and outsourced education to an inexpensive day school. Dh was dropping off/picking up and ferrying dc to extra curriculars. I have always been stressed with work, distant, absent, travelling. Missed out a lot on my dc growing up, never had my hand 'on the pulse', etc. Compared to me, my ex SIL was a sahm. Financially obviously worse off, but my goodness, how her dc have benefited! She is French, so the children are bilingual (mine had to be ferried to Alliance Francaise and are nowhere near their linguistic ability). She, because sahm, supervised and helped them with maths, physics, chemistry (loads of free time and YouTube videos), they studied together in a measured way - and I spent a fortune on private tutors on top of private school, where education was sub-standard, to put it mildly. She never rushed them, it took as much time as it took to learn things. She taught them to play the piano, herself, I play the piano as well and could have taught, but I was never home properly, just come hope and drop off to sleep after commuting. I also had to be available on the phone at all times, so quiet, proper 'chill' time was not an option. Bottom line, her dc did a lot better than mine because she was a sahm. Her bond with her dc is much better too, it pains me to say this, but it is true.

She'd have to be in her 90s to have been a 50s housewife.

Exactly! My mum is in her 80s and was too young to be a 50s housewife 😂

Is your Mum still working herself? If not why doesn't she offer to look after baby fulltime if she disagrees with him going to nursery?

"Be honest": I'm being honest. I had no choice but to work. I happen to really enjoy working and I'm glad I did and do, even though I didn't have a choice. Millions of mothers work and enjoy it and make money from it. Some have to, some don't.

When you say "be honest": what you actually mean is: "Agree with me, please!".

I don't agree with you. I don't think women work because "society makes them feel they have to have the career". Any more than they stay at home because "society makes them". Women are different with different financial circumstances, belief systems, personalities and aspirations.

You're absolutely entitled to not want to work if you don't have to, crack on with it. What you're not entitled to do is suggest that women who do work have been brainwashed into thinking that they need a "4 bed with cinema room" (what even is that?) or a Gucci handbag or a tablet or whatever nonsense aspiration you've dreamed up. With due respect, you don't know what you're talking about, and your views are small minded and offensive.

How does your mum have actual lived experience of being a SAHM in the 50s?

Presumably you were born in 1980 or later OP if you have a young baby. Late 70s absolute push.

Was your mum even alive in the 50s? She'd have to be in her 90s to have been a 50s housewife.

Really? Not in my experience. Society tells me that now I'm a mother, my career doesn't matter and unless I'm working to put food on the table I'm selfish for daring to want to provide my children with more than the basics because 'you never get that time back'.

Do you know how many times my DH has been told that 'you never get that time back?' 0. Nada. None. Never.

I wonder why?

Yes but what do you pay for that privilege? If you walk down a London street no one speaks to you, as a child I had people barging past me on high streets in London. Here I know my neighbours by name, can knock on for anything needed, look out my windows at fields and a few houses, everyone knows each other, our kids play out until whatever time on the street together as they actually behave like children, no one has ever been stabbed here, the most exciting thing that happens is probably a drug raid once in a blue moon because someone tried to do a grow in their loft. I have a house you’d probably have to pay at least 3 times the price for down there, I currently don’t have to work as I’m raising my young kids, my partner works and we have horses, I’d have to pay at least a million for the same lifestyle in London……

I'm a SAHM myself, and I can tell you your mother is the problem here. Not for her opinions, that she should be able to share, but because she judged you and poked you with a difficult issue for you and it seems she did it just because she wanted to win an argument. She should have been supporting and caring because she could see you were having a difficult time. This has nothing to do with paid or unpaid labour: there are deeper issues here.

Because there's the long term to think about. You don't pay nursery fees forever, pension, loss of earnings, loss of earning potential etc.

Progression is why no one wants to live like they did in the 1950s

Why on earth is your mother talking about the fifties when presumably she was parenting you in the 80s/90s?

Well she's technically right, you could move to a very cheap area across the country and buy a 2 up 2 down for £40k

But that would still rely on your Dh getting a job that would cover all your outgoings - and that would be an above minimum wage job to pay the mortgage/bills. Obviously in an area with £40k houses there's much fewer jobs.

And you'd be living in a not great area, with very few amenities, surrounded by people who lived in poverty and where there were much fewer young people making their aspirations like college etc

Tell the judgemental fucker that !

In some areas there are mental
health hubs (ours is a 24 hour service) where anyone can phone in and get support/ advice/ referral to the right service. You may find the number through googling your local mental health trust, if they don’t have a hub see (again through the trust webpage) if you can self refer into any of their services - locally to me you can also self refer into IAPT (talking therapy) and if they assess you and you are too ill for their care they refer you on.

If not a and e - as the mental health team will need to assess and identify next steps.

No i don't think men are big heros and yes i understand some households need 2 wages to put food on the table, that some women parent alone and also agree some women find raising children boring but there are many that feel that society makes them feel they have to have the career. At least be honest.

@ShinyShona

I think it's important to step back and acknowledge that the problem is your mother's ignorance, not that you work.

This, basically.

Nursery costs for 3 full days where I live cost about £800-900 before you get the help from government.

As someone who has earns £1050, what would of been the point me working to take home £150-200 a month?

Obviously DH would have paid as well but as a couple you can see why some woman think what’s the point me working when most of the fees are going on nursery.

@Sevendayhigher

Your mother, like most people her age, are utterly clueless about how our generation has to budget.

In the 1950s, it is true that my grandparents wouldn't have gone out for dinner but otherwise all the other rose tinted attitudes about the past and people making do are wrong.

Take gadgets for example, because a lot of older people love telling us we don't need mobile phones. Well, my grandparents had a fridge freezer and a washing machine, my parents had a VCR and I have a laptop and a phone. All of which are just the latest technology of the age (and arguably, I need mine for work whereas if my grandmother stayed at home all day she could have gone shopping and washed clothes by hand. Her gadgets were more of a luxury than mine!)

What's also true about my grandparents is that they didn't just buy but had a house built that today would cost around £800k because of its location and they also ran a car and had three children. On a police constable's salary.

To be honest, I think it is barely worth comparing and I think it's important to step back and acknowledge that the problem is your mother's ignorance, not that you work.

I have lived in London all my life. There are many areas which do not have a high crime rate, I've never lived anywhere that was unsafe, nor would I. There are also many green spaces. As for people being rude, there are rude people everywhere, just don't mix with them if you don't have to, most are pleasant. Nobody has ever thought me rude.

This exactly.

Personally I feel like every parents situation is different and should not be judged either way.

Some people don’t get the choice to be a SAHM or not.

Some people do. It’s completely fine to return to work because you WANT to. It’s also completely fine to choose to be a SAHM if that works for your family.

I hate the SAHM are lazy vs working mums only want all inclusive holidays and big cars over spending time with their kids debate.

Quality time spent with children has risen dramatically since the 1970/80s. Working parents are spending more quality time with their children than a stay at home parent from the previous generations.

Why are nursery costs only their responsibility? Especially if they are now one income families. Why can't their DH's pay for nursery?

It's more important than anything that you can support yourself financially

whereas in the 50s people were happy with what they had

I'm presuming your mum wasn't a SAHM in the 50s so why has she chosen that particular decade to talk about?!

Ask her what the house price was compared to her or your dad's salary when they bought their first house and show her what it is compared to yours.

When we bought a flat in the late 90s, it cost 2/3 times my annual salary.

What can you buy now for 2/3 times your annual salary?

Bollocks is this true.

I’m a sahm who left my well paid job to become a sahm. And I know others who have done the same. It’s in part how we can afford to be sahm.

Let’s step away from the judging of other women.

OP it is so difficult. Can you work some where else? Library? If not do some deep breathing to calm yourself before you get to your parents and don’t discuss things with your Mum. Maybe she was judemental or maybe she was trying to fix it. Only you know that but either way it ain’t helpful to you.

Regarding SAHP being a luxury:

A bit different for me. If I didn’t have grandparents who could look after DC whilst I was working I would be a SAHM (due to nursery costs being 80% of my wage) which would have meant sacrificing a lot, probably would have had to give up my car. Although I’d have the extra time with my DS, I’m grateful I was able to return to work and would class myself as lucky.

Every parent situation is different but I have some SAHM friends who wish they would work and earn some extra money but can’t due to nursery costs