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Original poster

My mother is guilting me about being a working parent.

288 replies

Sevendayhigher · 10/01/2025 10:04

Hi,

This upset me today and I suppose I'm asking whether I'm being unreasonable for thinking that it's OK to work even though you don't absolutely, 100% HAVE to.

It was a difficult drop off at nursery today because my son is unwell (he's 14 months) and I work from my parents' house.

I mentioned that it's hard being a parent today where most households need a dual income just to sustain themselves. My mother told me that the main reason most households are dual income now is because they 'expect so much out of life, whereas in the 50s people were happy with what they had' (or words to this effect). Apart from the plethora of issues that the 1950s carried, which she agreed was true, I argued that most households could survive on one income fairly comfortably because housing wasn't as expensive as it is today, compared to the salaries that people make. Nowadays it's very hard to get a mortgage with one income, especially if you haven't had money gifted to you. And if you rent, that a crazy cost too. She argued it was the same as in the 1950s, except people didn't 'expect to go on holiday every year or go out for fancy dinners, and were happy with their little house that wasn't that great.' I told her that as a family, we would bloody love 'a little house that wasn't that great' - please can she show us one that we can afford on my husband's salary alone, like people did in the 50s?

She then told me that if we really wanted to, we could move into something like that and I could be a stay at home mum, but that we want to live in a 'fancy area' so don't. She told me we'd be able to afford a house on just my husband's salary if we lived outside London. Not true, but the main thing that irked me was the implication that I'm working my (genuinely low paid) job because we want to live a luxury lifestyle/won't 'lower ourselves' to a cheaper area. She even said that she'd have been prepared to move to the other side of the country if it meant she could stay at home with her children instead of going to work.

What also irks me is that I can see where she's coming from - in theory if we moved to Derbyshire or somewhere very far away we could potentially buy a house and I wouldn't technically have to work. It feels as if my mother is saying that it's not OK to not want to do that - as a parent you have to make every sacrifice in order to stay at home with your child. Even if it means giving up all your family's support around you/living in a place you're unfamiliar with. On a personal note, my husband is visually impaired and unable to drive, so moving out of a city is also very difficult for us transport-wise, but I feel like we shouldn't have to justify ourselves with this??

I know she'd just tell me that she was giving her opinion and I shouldn't be so sensitive about it, but am I being unreasonable to think that it's OK to work in order to not have to give up almost everything in your life? Or is the most important thing staying at home with your child?

OP posts:
AshCrapp · 10/01/2025 12:37

MinorGodhead · 10/01/2025 10:07

Staying at home with your child in 2024 is (leaving aside illness, additional needs, circumstances that enforce it like being a trailing spouse temporarily without a work visa) a sign you’ve never found sufficiently interesting, rewarding and/or well-paid work. Tell her you feel sad for her lack of choice back in the day.

I couldn't disagree more with this comment. Staying at home with your child in 2024 (or indeed in 2025) is a sign that you've made a choice that works for you and your family. There is nothing intrinsically superior about being a person who gets more reward out of paid labour than spending all their time with young DC. I have many intelligent, ambitious, personable friends who chose to take career breaks to raise DC. And I say this as someone who does have a rewarding job and didn't go the SAHM route.

You could just as easily say, having to go to work in 2025 to get your fulfilment is just a sign that you've been unable to find or make sufficiently interesting and rewarding experiences at home or in your community, how sad for you.

OP, you shouldn't feel bad about being a working mother. Many people were, even in the 50s. As a family you prioritise what is right for you. In my own case, that meant both working 3/4 days a week.

dynamiccactus · 10/01/2025 12:37

Nobody ever lay on their death bed wishing they had bought that 4 bedroom with a cinema room but they sure as hell wish they had spent longer with their children

You can't say that, people are all different and have different wants and needs in life.

Ceecee2422 · 10/01/2025 12:35

MinorGodhead · 10/01/2025 12:27

I lived in London for a decade very happily before moving for work when DS was a small baby to a lively, prosperous, chocolate-box pretty village in the midlands. I can honestly say that the space, quiet, cheaper property and better air in no way compensated for the insularity and xenophobia. My rabbit-hutch zone 2 flat and rush hour on the tube were the tax I happily paid for living somewhere endlessly interesting.

(Ironically, I think I encountered more crime in eight years in the village than in ten in London — there was a longterm scam where cards used at the local petrol station were used for fraudulent payments overseas, a big drug dealer’s house was raided in the village, and there was a spate of car thefts after a halfway house for young offenders was opened nearby. In London, the worst I experienced was the theft of a plant pot from outside my front door.)

Show quote history

Yes I’m sure drug dealers houses are never raided in London………. Plus I can be in any of 4 major UK cities in just over half an hour if I need more as you describe interest; where people still behave a lot better than most I have come across in London……a boy has literally just been stabbed on a bus a few days ago there, it’s nearly a daily occurrence there so how can any child be safe?

dynamiccactus · 10/01/2025 12:35

Ask her how she expects you to eat and keep a roof over your head if you don't work.

And when she says the inevitable, you say "relying on a man is the wrong answer, try again".

Too many people think that mothers only work for the luxuries. That is way off the mark but even if we were, why is that wrong? Why can't we have kids AND luxuries?

Bagpussnotbothered · 10/01/2025 12:35
  1. For every year out of work (on average), a woman's wage drops by 10%. This is specifically related to childcare/maternity leave. It's no surprise that the sex wage gap shows up after people have kids as the women is usually the one who is penalised/downshifting goes part time. Your husband has no guilt in maintaining his career and financial health; why should you?
  2. Don't work from your parents house. If you are in therapy due to them, you need to enforce some space & boundaries.
  3. London is expensive, but the trade-off (from what you say) is worth it. Good transport links, job opportunities and schools. You could move, but the invisible burden (lack of friends/family/built environment issues)would increase.
  4. Keep going. The nursery stage does not last forever. Having a job of your own builds your family's resilience if anything ever happens to your husband. That's a good thing.
Startinganew32 · 10/01/2025 12:35

Nobody ever lay on their death bed wishing they had bought that 4 bedroom with a cinema room but they sure as hell wish they had spent longer with their children.

Ha! You’ve never met my FIL. He’s an the end of his life (he’s old and has terminal cancer) and actually his days are filled with regret about properties he didn’t buy, millions he didn’t make, investments he should have done. Quite tiring to listen to but nothing in there about wishing he’d spent more time with family 😂

Also it’s only middle class or rich people who say that sort of shit about money being irrelevant. It’s only irrelevant because they have it. Ask someone who can’t afford to feed their kids properly whether money and a nice house matter and they will say yes they fucking do.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 10/01/2025 12:31

It's tough because things have changed so much that anyone who isn't dealing with it now has a hazy idea of how things add up.

My parents are shocked and concerned any time I refer to dropping my son off at 8am or picking him up at 5:50pm. Every time, they do the maths and are horrified that it comes to nearly 10 hours. But at the same time they would be equally horrified if I didn't work, and they know how long a working day is... it's as if the reality just doesn't filter through until they are confronted with it, and then it fades and they are surprised again next time.

Tubetrain · 10/01/2025 12:31

And in the 1950s women often had no agency or control over their life, marital rape was legal, divorce was difficult to access, and many women were unhappy. Is that what she wants for her daughter?

Tisthedamnseason · 10/01/2025 12:31

Ohthatsabitshit · 10/01/2025 10:18

Well she’s right you could prioritise being a sahm and do all the things she says to achieve it. You are right in that you don’t feel what you would lose is a reasonable exchange for what you would gain. Surprise surprise you are different people at different stages in your life and have different priorities.

Why do you need her to agree with you?

I don't get the feeling it's just that she disagrees with her. It's more the element of judgement that it sounds like is behind her mum's comments, that OP is choosing frivolous luxuries over her child.

RedOrangeSky · 10/01/2025 12:31

MinorGodhead · 10/01/2025 10:07

Staying at home with your child in 2024 is (leaving aside illness, additional needs, circumstances that enforce it like being a trailing spouse temporarily without a work visa) a sign you’ve never found sufficiently interesting, rewarding and/or well-paid work. Tell her you feel sad for her lack of choice back in the day.

Staying at home with your child can be a positive choice that some people make. I enjoy my work but I wish I could be at home more with my children and that society valued parents who choose to look after their children.

Everyone should have a choice.

Startinganew32 · 10/01/2025 12:30

Hwi · 10/01/2025 12:19

Honestly? Of course your mother is right. I have always worked, plus I work away from home a lot, but it was not a choice, as dh who worked when we married and before we had dc, had an operation and was unable to work afterwards. I worked and outsourced education to an inexpensive day school. Dh was dropping off/picking up and ferrying dc to extra curriculars. I have always been stressed with work, distant, absent, travelling. Missed out a lot on my dc growing up, never had my hand 'on the pulse', etc. Compared to me, my ex SIL was a sahm. Financially obviously worse off, but my goodness, how her dc have benefited! She is French, so the children are bilingual (mine had to be ferried to Alliance Francaise and are nowhere near their linguistic ability). She, because sahm, supervised and helped them with maths, physics, chemistry (loads of free time and YouTube videos), they studied together in a measured way - and I spent a fortune on private tutors on top of private school, where education was sub-standard, to put it mildly. She never rushed them, it took as much time as it took to learn things. She taught them to play the piano, herself, I play the piano as well and could have taught, but I was never home properly, just come hope and drop off to sleep after commuting. I also had to be available on the phone at all times, so quiet, proper 'chill' time was not an option. Bottom line, her dc did a lot better than mine because she was a sahm. Her bond with her dc is much better too, it pains me to say this, but it is true.

There’s a giant variation between SAHMs though. Fair enough if someone is musical, bilingual, endlessly patient and absolutely dedicated to making sure their child has the best start in life. Most people are nothing like that and children of SAHMs don’t necessarily turn out better than those who go to childcare. Often the opposite- they see their mum working hard in a good career and it motivates them to do well. And someone who doesn’t enjoy being a SAHM is going to be miserable and that will rub off on the kids.

JackJarvisEsq · 10/01/2025 12:30

How old is your mother for her to experience being a 1950s housewife?

my granny (who would have turned 100 this year) was married in 1947 so would have been a 1950s housewife. Except she wasn’t.

she had to work 2 jobs just to make ends meet so it definitely wasn’t a given households did just fine on one salary

jacksonlambsregulardisorder · 10/01/2025 12:29

The only thing that emerges from these threads is a disdain for women's labour whether that's in the home or a more formal workplace.

Peskydahlias · 10/01/2025 12:29

My mum is in her 70s and always worked full time when I was a child, less common in the 90s than it is now. She wasn't low paid, but was in the public sector so never earnt Megabucks. They absolutely could have survived on my dad's salary. I'm very proud of her. She also has an excellent pension. Your mum should really keep her opinions to herself, especially in the context of how you were feeling.

MrsJoanDanvers · 10/01/2025 12:29

It sounds as if she thinks you’re still a child to be lectured rather than a fully functioning adult with your own choices. It’s hard, I get it to butt out when your child moves from being a teenager to an independent adult. I stop myself giving unwanted advice because my children live in a different time and things which are important to them may seem unimportant to me. But even I, as a sixty something can see that you need 2 incomes to be able to afford a house in most areas. Nothing to do with wanting everything. And culturally, things have changed-who wants to be clinging to your husband’s wages, pension and status in 2025? Maybe push back a little bit and state that you want to earn your own money, build your own pension and be a good role model to your dc and show them the values important to you. It might not be her choice-fine-you’re not asking her to do that but it’s the choice you’re making for yourself and for your family. If she doesn’t like that it’s her problem-don’t make it your problem.

TellsTheTruth · 10/01/2025 12:28

MinorGodhead · 10/01/2025 10:07

Staying at home with your child in 2024 is (leaving aside illness, additional needs, circumstances that enforce it like being a trailing spouse temporarily without a work visa) a sign you’ve never found sufficiently interesting, rewarding and/or well-paid work. Tell her you feel sad for her lack of choice back in the day.

never mind.

Wigtopia · 10/01/2025 12:27

Sevendayhigher · 10/01/2025 10:15

Thanks - we actually don't both work from home, my husband can't, he's 5 days a week in the office haha! :)

Thanks so much for your measured perspective x

Show quote history

Him being 5 days a week I the office does t sound like you could up and move to the cheapest place in the UK! He’d surely have to leave the London job and London wage!

MinorGodhead · 10/01/2025 12:27

Ceecee2422 · 10/01/2025 12:15

Yes but what do you pay for that privilege? If you walk down a London street no one speaks to you, as a child I had people barging past me on high streets in London. Here I know my neighbours by name, can knock on for anything needed, look out my windows at fields and a few houses, everyone knows each other, our kids play out until whatever time on the street together as they actually behave like children, no one has ever been stabbed here, the most exciting thing that happens is probably a drug raid once in a blue moon because someone tried to do a grow in their loft. I have a house you’d probably have to pay at least 3 times the price for down there, I currently don’t have to work as I’m raising my young kids, my partner works and we have horses, I’d have to pay at least a million for the same lifestyle in London……

Show quote history

I lived in London for a decade very happily before moving for work when DS was a small baby to a lively, prosperous, chocolate-box pretty village in the midlands. I can honestly say that the space, quiet, cheaper property and better air in no way compensated for the insularity and xenophobia. My rabbit-hutch zone 2 flat and rush hour on the tube were the tax I happily paid for living somewhere endlessly interesting.

(Ironically, I think I encountered more crime in eight years in the village than in ten in London — there was a longterm scam where cards used at the local petrol station were used for fraudulent payments overseas, a big drug dealer’s house was raided in the village, and there was a spate of car thefts after a halfway house for young offenders was opened nearby. In London, the worst I experienced was the theft of a plant pot from outside my front door.)

LoftyCrow · 10/01/2025 12:26

This could be me - had exactly the same conversations / 'advice' when my kids were small. I have also had a lot of therapy to try to care less what my parents think / say. My kids are now teens - i am so glad I have had work throughout their childhood and particularly now as they are about to leave home, and so are they. Everyone makes their own choice and it is always a balance but experience has taught me that your mum may well be almost jealous (without realising it). And of course you are right about the financial picture - it's a different world even from the 80s.

the7Vabo · 10/01/2025 12:24

ChristmasKelpie · 10/01/2025 11:53

Who would be jealous of a mother that can't stay at home with her child? I have had the career, had the chance to live and work abroad, i have had the brand new cars, fancy dinners etc but nothing absolutely nothing compares to my time at home with my children. Lying in hospital after having had a heart attack that nearly ended my life i wasn't thinking about my job or the money and new cars it was my children i thought about. The many months recuperating gave me plenty of time to think and look back. Nothing matters other than your children.
Kid yourself all you please but those days at home raising them are the be all and end all. Your children benefit from your presence, always. Nobody ever lay on their death bed wishing they had bought that 4 bedroom with a cinema room but they sure as hell wish they had spent longer with their children.
Now i understand that these days in many cases 2 wages are needed to put food on the table but at least be honest do you need to earn as much as you do or is it a case that a 3 bed semi is not good enough for you and only 5 star is acceptable when you holiday.

Show quote history

My husband has a job that pays above the average industrial wage and there is absolutely no way we could afford a 3 bed semi in any decent area where we’d want to educate our children on it.

OP you & your mother had conversation I’ve had many times with my mother. She goes on about high interest rates in the 1980s while completely overlooking that the capital was much lower relative to salary,

But she’s also right in that there are a lot more frills now - takeaway coffees, brunches etc

I don’t personally think that a child needs a SAHM to be happy. So if I were you I’d keep working and accept that you will have bad days.

Being a SAHM especially to school aged children seems v lonely to me, I would struggle.

Dweetfidilove · 10/01/2025 12:24

MinorGodhead · 10/01/2025 10:07

Staying at home with your child in 2024 is (leaving aside illness, additional needs, circumstances that enforce it like being a trailing spouse temporarily without a work visa) a sign you’ve never found sufficiently interesting, rewarding and/or well-paid work. Tell her you feel sad for her lack of choice back in the day.

This sounds like the inverse of the what the OP's mom is doing. How narrow-minded.

jhar · 10/01/2025 12:23

@Sevendayhigher why were you dropping your child off if unwell.

InvisibilityCloakActivated · 10/01/2025 12:23

Swanleek · 10/01/2025 10:15

Your mum sounds a right bitch 😭

That's unkind. People should be allowed to moan about their family without strangers calling them names.

Dweetfidilove · 10/01/2025 12:22

Some of what she says makes sense, but the rest is just terrible. It was completely unnecessary to just drop a big dollop of mom guilt on the day you're struggling.
I also can't believe she'd want you to give up so much to stay home.

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 10/01/2025 12:21

MinorGodhead · 10/01/2025 10:07

Staying at home with your child in 2024 is (leaving aside illness, additional needs, circumstances that enforce it like being a trailing spouse temporarily without a work visa) a sign you’ve never found sufficiently interesting, rewarding and/or well-paid work. Tell her you feel sad for her lack of choice back in the day.

Hmm, I don't think pitching it as a dichotomy helps.

I've done really interesting work (in child development, oddly enough). I've got technical skills and new qualifications. I've delivered big projects that have made a provable difference to the lives of thousands. I've earned an income that allows a nice lifestyle and the ability to save for the future.

I still wish I could be a SAHM. I only don't because I know I need to provide long term financial security for my son - we could easily afford me to be off for a few years, but not the long term knock of career damage.

And I don't think it's nice or true that women can't earn well, be intelligent and capable AND still want to spend their time with their children when young.