My mother is guilting me about being a working parent.

OP, some people just need other people to make the same choices they did and to want and like the same things that they did, and they seem to take it very personally when others don't. I'm getting the impression that 50 years ago plus, the culture here tended to be that men were expected to (and themselves were prepared to) financially support the women in the family. This is absolutely not the case today. Today, women in relationships who choose not to work outside the home (unless they have trusts/savings and or property) are taking a massive risk, we see this day in, day out on here. We all have to do the best for ourselves and our families in the time and place and circumstances we live in.

How old is your mum? My mum married in the 50s and had me in the early 60s, and while she didn't go back to work until I started school, she always worked. Your mum's views seem off even by 50s/60s standards.

I agree in that she has her valid reasons, is justifying her decisions and maybe deep down a little jealous of her amazing daughter doing things she couldn't fathom.

She's witnessed a difficult morning (yay) and commented on that - she won't say well done for the 99% of normal drop offs as that would be odd
But you need to work on you - are you sure you're happy with your decisions and if so then smile and thank her for her comments but then say I need to pop off and work now.

It sounds like you need her tot support you - and good luck with that - 3 lots of therapy and 20 years of having conversations and it's still in-fathomable to my mum to say what I need and I'd say my daughter would say the same about our relationship.

Her views are valid as our yours - I was a sahm Mum as my Mum pulled me to shreds over my decisions and I wish I had the guts to say no - when I did I was told
I was cold / hard etc - it's a complex relationship but believe in you and your power to make good decisions for your family

Totally agree! My husband gets funny looks when he declines overtime at work after a 45 hour week. It’s assumed men will prioritise money > family (even if they have enough money to be comfortable) but women need to prioritise time with family even if it means a worse standard of living.

Working parents don’t spend 100% of their time at work, it isn’t either/or. If I didn’t work, my kids would get an extra 12 hours a week with me but they’d miss out on all the things my salary pays for - a house with a garden/big enough for a room each, trips out, swimming lessons, drama lessons, pets, holidays.

I wonder if all the people saying ‘you never get this time back’ homeschool their kids because they spend 30 hours a week at school instead of ‘making memories’ with their parents…

If your son is unwell, why did he go to nursery?

I know someone who gave up everything and was the most ridiculously devoted SAHM to her son. She literally organised her life around him. He’s an adult now, rarely makes time to see her because he’s a selfish arse and didn’t invite her to his wedding because it was in vegas with mates.

Kids won’t necessarily be grateful and it doesn’t necessarily mean you will have a close bond.

What I found interesting was that my parents really pushed me academically when I was young, expected great things from me. However they also held the traditional view that women should be at home with the children. So how does that work?
Anyway as for you OP I think your mum is mean to spout off like that. And does she really want you moving away so she won't see you? It's not even as if it's a childcare issue for them as you use nursery.

Your career was obviously high flying as was your lifestyle of new cars, fancy dinners etc. Most people can't afford those things even as a two income family. You must have had substantial savings put by or your DH was a really high earner to be able to stay at home with your children.

The majority of families with children where both parents are working are doing this to put food on the table and pay the mortgage and bills. How often do we read posts on here where the OP is a fairly high earner but feels unable to leave her abusive DH as she wouldn't be able to afford the mortage, bills etc on her own?

I think that you are commenting from your ivory castle.

My relationship with my children has been ongoing for the last 35 years and with luck has another 30 odd to go. There is no way on my deathbed I'll be looking back over 6 decades of mutual love and care and shared experiences and be lamenting a handful of years when I spent time at work when I could have been cooking lunch and watching Peppa Pig. Outsourcing some day care so you can work, either from desire or necessity is neither here nor there in terms of the big parenting picture.

I voted YABU as this just sounds like you had an ordinary conversation. I don't read anything judgemental in your mum's responses, but perhaps it came across in her tone. You work from your parents house and YOU started a conversation with her about how hard it was being a parent and how most households now need two incomes. Your mum has a different point of view. If you don't want to hear her point of view, don't start this type of conversation!

I agree. Pp probably is incapable of seeing what fulfils and interests others beyond career or paycheck though so there’s little point in engaging.

Nah she just chose differently herself and believes she would have regretted what dd is doing. All of which is perfectly normal for a mum to say to her child. It’s also fine for dd to be sad they’re not in agreement and carry on doing as she sees fit.

My mum and I disagree on lots of things.

How dismissive of parents who actually just want to spend time with their children!

I know women who left high paying/well established careers to be stay at home mums because they believe it is in their child’s best interest. Just because you don’t know any doesn’t mean they don’t exist.

Haven’t RTFT because these debates depress me but I watched a really interesting TikTok recently about this sort of thinking.

Essentially the relative price of essentials vs luxuries have completely flipped hence why certain generations have the “you’d afford a house if you didn’t buy coffees out” mentality. Coffees are much more affordable as a percentage of household income, mortgages and rent much less so. Also what is essential and what is luxury has changed. A phone for example is actually now a necessity for most of us but cited as a frivolous expense by older generations who still see them as a luxury.

And even if some expenses are luxurious what’s even wrong with that anyway! We only get one time we might as well go on holiday!

She does make some valid points which is why I think you are conflicted.
Lifestyle expectations were lower in the 50s and 60s and most women were ‘homemakers’ However, back then women lacked financial freedom but the financial freedom women have today has come at a cost as we are still dealing with a generation of men who were brought up under the legacy of women being homemakers . Women are struggling to fulfill all the roles society places upon them.
To add to that, we are now bombarded with advertising/ social media that encourages us to compare ourselves to ‘perfect’ images of how our lives should look which encourages us to become more and more aspirational and to have unrealistic expectations - we want to consume more and more to achieve what we perceive to be a ‘ normal’ life.
In short you are both right and there is no succinct resolution to this conflict. It about assessing what has value for you and trying to achieve a balance that works for you.

I didn't 'have' to work I suppose, but I did. The benefits for my family were that the extra income meant I could give them more experiences such as travel and other activities. That they didn't grow up thinking women were the default child carers and domestic labourers. That they have never felt pressure to be 'my whole world' because they knew I was a person with interests outside of the home. That I have work related knowledge and experience to share with them and connections that helped them. They enjoyed spending time with grandparents and liked nursery. They are proud of the work I do. As adults none of them want to have a family with a SAHP themselves, which I guess is a sign they felt it worked well for them.

@toomuchfaff I agree with you! The 'deathbed' comment gets trotted out on these threads ALLLLLL the time and it's bullshit.

Childhood is short and the benefits associated with giving your child / children time will far outweigh the kudos of a nice house car or holiday or career you can always revive after the hard slog of mothering.

Nobody ever tells men they are working for luxuries do they? Why are working dad's providing for their families but working mums doing it for holidays and nice cars??
Also, not all careers can be 'revived' after a significant break.

So because your experience is that you wished youd spent more time with your kids, you think every single woman should be spending more time with their kids...

I don't think my eyes can roll any more.

Do you realise there are many different characters, women are more than incubators now. They have options, they are individuals, some people don't like their kids, some wish they'd never had them, some hate their Husbands and wish they could kill them and get away with it (after reading munsnet). How very patronising to say, on your death bed you'll wish you would have given up your career and devoted your life to your children...

There will be some on their deathbed who wish they would have travelled the world, perhaps not settled for the incompetent, moody, shithead, cheating, narcissist husband and gone for the rich job and lived in a penthouse apartment in New York... Your experience isn't the be all and end all for everyone.

I've seen a lot of deathbed situations, and a lot of near death experiences, being an ex nurse. Not even half of them wish they had spent their life dedicated to their kids.

Why cant she see the main point about the housing costs? This is the main problem

Maybe she thought you were moaning or perhaps even guilt tripping her tho? Maybe she thought you where hitting for money

Oh, another "avocado and Netfilx" argument. Why the assumption that we all have 3 bed semis which we want to exchange for the 4-bed with a cinema room? Why the assumption that we only book 5 start hotels for a holiday?
Have you actually been outside and seen how people live? Maybe your previous experiences of luxury travel clouded your judgement but the vast majority of people are stuck renting pokey flats or are in a houseshare well into their late 30s and their holiday of choice is a crappy hotel in Lanzarote or "Betty-the-caravan" in Devon for £60 a night. And that's if they are able to afford holidays at all.
I currently have no house. None. And I am not looking to buy one, although, hopefully I am able to afford a little shared ownership flat. I am forced to live with my ex and two lodgers just so I can save a little bit of money to accomplish that. For context, I am a highly specialist clinician with 7 years of higher education behind me.
I don't know what I will be thinking on my deathbed but hopefully it will be about my life being meaningful and fulfilling and a large part of that life will include a job, hobbies, travel and other experiences. I am certain a lot of people are on their deathbed worrying that their children are now homeless because the house was sold to pay care fees or because a pokey LA flat you moved into after your husband left you old, penniless and without career prospects is now being taken back by the housing association and your kids are scouring spareroom.com to save some money for a deposit despite being in their 40s and working full time.

My mum is exactly the same, throwing jabs and digs at me for sending my kids to nursery.

She was a housewife, but when my dad left when I was 10, she was a single mum to 4 children and we were screwed.

I'm not sure why she is talking about the 1950s. Surely that is when she was a child not when you were a child? I am a grandmother and my children were born in the 1980s when most women I knew, including myself, worked after they had children.

Unless one partner is a very high earner, it would be very difficult to manage financially on only one income. I don't know why your mum is trying to question your choices and undermine you. Didn't she ever go out to work?

I'm probably the same generation as your Mum OP and she is talking mostly a load of old clapp.

I left home and rented a three bed house from a farmer. I had the choice of five properties and rented for almost two years, went away to college and rented a different house from the same farmer afterwards for a further seven years. My rent was £50 a month (without changing over that entire time). At the start my weekly wage was basic £86 but with overtime it regularly went to £140. It cost £11 to fill the tank in my car and that would last for weeks.

It is far harder to get along now, both financially and in ever other way.